beside your open morale (another poem for andrew)

I can't remember if I posted this or not...and if I did, just tell me and I'll delete it.

Strong critiquing--PLEASE.

you speak paradoxical phenomenons
and your heart is an aura of arrogance

my friend, where are you going?

the wind that you cry to is sheer
so it appears as nothing is there

only i can see the rain that
makes the blue-ish stripes on your shirt
look like rainbows
and only i can see the pain that
stands beside your open morale

Sunday morning i look into the sky to find you
and only i can see you coming right back down
gravity
never
fails
and it will always
leave
you
on the

ground.

you speak paradoxical phenomenons
and your heart is an aura of arrogance

Sounds cool, but overdone, and it challenges the reader too immediately.

my friend, where are you going?

The moon, Alice, straight to the moon! Um, where did this come from? Again, having a hard time easing into this poem. It's choppy.

the wind that you cry to is sheer
so it appears as nothing is there

I had to read this twice to understand it. Also, the image is weak. You could do without it.

only i can see the rain that
makes the blue-ish stripes on your shirt
look like rainbows
and only i can see the pain that
stands beside your open morale

Blue-ish? Nothing should ever be "ish". If you have to use that, you're not describing it well enough. Azure. Cerulean. Corn flower. Navy. Cadet. What color is it? For lack of words, use comparisons. "Blue like... (insert description here)"
Stands beside your open morale? This poem seems hopeless... that phrase is out of place or needs more description/ build-up.

Sunday morning i look into the sky to find you
and only i can see you coming right back down

Why can only you see these things? Coming back down? Is that a convulted way to say "falling"? Coming back down is passive - use active verbs. Also, why was this person "up there" in the first place?

gravity
never
fails
and it will always
leave
you
on the

ground

Your stylistic attempt isn't working. Combine into one or two lines. However, the last line/ stanza is a powerful truth. Way to be.
I would recommend you completely redo this piece. Use more descriptions. Poetry can be great as a stark creation - but you are not conveying your point in that fashion. Don't be afraid of lengthy poetry. But make sure it's only as long as it needs to be. Good luck!

Read "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" by T.S. Eliot - great long poem. Then read "Red Wheelbarrow" by William Carlos Williams - great stark, short poem.

Well, thanks so much for the critique...I asked for strong critiquing and that's what I got.

But to tell you the truth, I'm not a poet...if anything, a lyricist...this was just a pathetic shot at trying to write poetry again. Not to mention about a boy I've grown up with that I can't stand (and that's always hard). All of it was mostly right except I liked the "ish" and I could never remove that.

Thanks for taking all that time though.

you speak paradoxical phenomenons
and your heart is an aura of arrogance

I loved the literaries here. Or whatever their called - hence the "paradoxical phenomenons" and the "aura of arrogance."

my friend, where are you going?

At first this seemed random but I actually came to enjoy it.

only i can see the rain that
makes the blue-ish stripes on your shirt
look like rainbows
and only i can see the pain that
stands beside your open morale

This is good, too, and I liked how you used "blue-ish" instead of just plain blue. I'm unsure if I caught the whole meaning of "open morale", but I got the gist and I loved how it sounded.

Sunday morning i look into the sky to find you
and only i can see you coming right back down
gravity
never
fails
and it will always
leave
you
on the

ground.

While the above was the perfect poetic ending, it came a bit soon. Are you sure you couldn't have fit more in there to make your point? All in all, Good job. I tried for a stong critique but I didn't have much to say but a handful of compliments. I hope you'll forgive me.

I only give strong crits. For future reference - it's nothing personal. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Killing poems, however...

Blegh. Trash it, burn it, start over.

The whole poem seems rushed and forced. I do like one line, "my friend, where are you going?" because it slows down the piece. It is simply stated and it caught my eye at once. Perhaps because it was on its own line. Perhaps the question mark did it. Whatever it was, I liked that line. Mind you, I don't think it really connects well with the poem, but I like line.

I think you're afraid that the reader "won't get it." Many poets are under the impression that to effectively communicate their message to the reader, they have to force it on. Actually, the reverse is usually true. Don't force it on the reader. When it is forced, the reader will perceive it as awkward, and may even see it as meaningless. Why? Who knows. All I know is the more meaning you try to cram into a piece of writing, the less meaning it ends up having. That is, unless you're clever about it.

What does that mean? Think about it. When was the last time a poem absolutely hit you in the face and made you feel an emotion? Why? Look at good poetry and figure out what you like and don't like about the poem.

You'll notice that poets use symbolism quite frequently. They do this through color, metaphors, and more. There's really a lot to it, and I can't explain it all at once. But I see that you tried to imitate it. Look at this:

only i can see the rain that
makes the blue-ish stripes on your shirt
look like rainbows

This is my second favorite part of the poem.

You almost pulled off the symbolism. What do rainbows mean? Most people see it as something happy. So in the third line of this, you mention that there are rainbows on this guy's shirt. He seems to be happy. But in the first line, you also notice that with rainbows, there always is rain. Bingo! So right now you're basically saying, he appears to be happy, but he's not really.

Now, in this case, I think the ordering is a little funky. I would rather have rainbows on his shirt and then have the rain falling down. It seems a little more connected to me, plus it would be more clear.

But then, you decided that the above lines didn't do enough. What if people didn't understand you? After all, writing is about being understood. So, instead of fixing up the order (I really think that the only thing at fault for that is how it's sequenced) you decided to go even further:

and only i can see the pain that
stands beside your open morale

You're repeating yourself, and because of the repetition, the imagery becomes less strong.

Don't worry about explaining yourself. This is poetry. It's supposed to be enigmatic. Just make sure that your images are stated clearly.

I'm sorry everyone for wasting your time.

I'm never writing a poem...ever again.

does not make much sence

nice. i like it. expecially how you broke down the words towards the end i somehow felt the emotion there, kinding dropping down, and the first two lines is a fantastic hook.
do';t ever say you'll never write a poem again, crituiqing makes you better. i reckon it was good anway, keep up the good work please.

AstrangedbeaR: First off, thank you for liking it...but my main reason for saying I won't continue to write poetry is because, at one point and time I was actually okay at writing poetry, and if 7 people read the poem, 6 people liked it. Now, if 7 people read it, maybe 1 person likes it. Basically, if the readers aren't interested, then why should I be? Sure, I can write for myself but no need putting them on here anymore.

I like your writing, it's really powerful. It's pure and free and I don't know what I'm talking about, but I really liked it. It was really good.

"I do not write for such dull elves, as have not a great deal of ingenuity themselves." Frill farfel farcel

To say what I should say... I like the words you used..I know that you know this but I just have to say this: capitalize the letter ‘i’ meaning I, yourself.
I don’t understand…

About never writing poems again.. I’d say: just need practice… You’re far a better poet then I am.

I can't remember if I posted this or not...and if I did, just tell me and I'll delete it.

Does this sound like having doubts?