Influence

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This is an essay I had to write for my english class the assignment was to write a an essay to apply for college. The prompt I wrote on was who has influenced you the most and how. How do you guys think I did? Also, it's suppose to be 500 words max. It's 613, Anyway I could cut it down a hundred and so word?

The fuchsia icing dripped from her graying hair, and her shirt was matted with chocolate cake. Labor day was coming to an end; the war was over, and she had won. My aunt, forty- seven years my senior, has influenced me beyond ways she could have imagined. She is a solo warrior battling for love.
Her age is just a number, living life to the fullest, she never gives up a chance for a good cake fight. With laughter coming from the core of who I am, I stand in front of her with icing sliding down my clothes. Competitive, crazy, and completely in love with having fun, my aunt has instilled in me many life lessons that I will carry with me for the rest of my life: never let something sour your day, cherish the people around you, and live life to the fullest.
Living through six decades would bring some tragedy, but still my aunt seems to always be happy, or at least content with life. Through my small sum of seventeen years I haven’t seen as much as one sixth of what life can throw at you, but I have cried over spilled milk way more than she has. Bad drivers, rude customer servers, and lousy neighbors would be enough for my temper to rise, but she takes everything in stride, blessing those who mistreated her that day. This has influenced me to take a step back and look at things differently. If I catch every red light on Main Street what good would it do me to get angry? It wouldn’t do me any good, but it does give me time to finish the song on the radio and to count my many blessings I was fortunate to receive that day.
To be normal these days is to be dysfunctional. My family, a highly dysfunctional family, is sure to have arguments along the way. A little insecure and sensitive, I always took these arguments personal. I would tote myself to my aunt’s loving home and spew about my awful happenings. She would always turn to me and say, “Sure they may upset you at times, but they are your family; you will always love them.” I always dismissed this idea, but she rarely preached something without using it in practice. When her brothers or sisters discourage her, made her angry, or disappointed her she prayed for them, wanting the best for them. This influenced me to use it in practice with coping with my twin brother, never allowing him to get the best of me.
I fill as though I get caught up with all the small things, instead of looking at the big picture. My aunt has taught me that when it’s midnight and you have a carving for something sweet, it’s okay to go out and buy cake and ice cream. Then watch a movie, and stuff yourself full only to go to bed with the rest of the neighborhood fast asleep in crazy dreams. This has influenced me to live my life to the fullest because you only have one life to live, so why not make the best of it.
My aunt, now going on sixty-five, has taught me that there are things that matter and things that don’t. This has influenced me to be a better person, to help someone I don’t know, to strive for perfection, but to not be upset when I tried my hardest and didn’t achieve such a goal, and to someday have a cake fight with someone I love just because today and tomorrow aren’t promised to us, and yesterday are our memories to have and to cherish.
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

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awwww your essay brings up a beautiful relationship with your aunt. You have described what really makes her an interesting person, and that has contributed in making her seem special to the reader him/herself. It is a very influencing piece and I really liked it.

Write on, it's your thing.




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Thank you :)
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

Who needs a review? :) http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic38078.html




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You do a good job of starting this out. You moved straight from a scene to a detailed description of what your aunt means to you. However, there are two things you should consider doing.

First, remove the second to last paragraph in total. It's a redundant paragraph, and doesn't share anything new. If space wasn't an issue, then you could probably fix it up some so that it fit in better. But as space is an issue, I suggest just removing it. That'll go a long way in getting the word count down.

Secondly, the very last sentence is a run-on. You need to go into it with a butcher's knife and totally re-work it.

Overall, I think you did do a nice job with this. Just needs some editing.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 368
Reviews 456
Thanks :)
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

Who needs a review? :) http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic38078.html




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Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 1
Wow.I wish i had an aunt like that (:
Very good, I thing the college people will agree.
I give you 4 1/2 out of 5 stars.
=>Sarai:.13<=



Should we not walk? On our feet? The ones I now have again? I do like my feet. They are befittingly perambulatory.
— Pattern (Rhythm of War by Brandon Sanderson)