A Little Lie. (Chapter Two)

CHAPTER TWO



"Hey Ives." He smiled

"Hey Tristan." I laughed

"What?"

"You're the only person that has ever called me Ives, and I just think its funny." I said trying to hold back a smile

"Well, would you rather me call you Ivy?" he asked

"No, I like Ives. You sound to serious when you call me Ivy."

"Oh, so now I’m not serious?" he said joking around

"Nope. Your to happy to be serious."

"Really? Well. How about this?" He stood up straight and started talking in a British-accent, "Is this serious enough, young ivy?" he stroked his fake beard, "Pip-Pip Cheerio!"

I started laughing really hard.

"Tristan. Tristan... please. Your not British!" I said laughing hysterically.

"Fineeee." he sighed, "I won't be serious..."

"Good" I smiled

"But do you really think I can't be serious?"

"It's not that you can't. Its just that, you aren't. You could be extremely serious, but you just don't. You kid around, and make people laugh." I smiled

"Good." he smiled back.

We decided we'd better sit down on the bleachers.

"So what are we doing for practice today? Cause coach said he wasn't going to make it tonight." I asked

"Umm... what ever you want. All the other guys are at a party."

"Why aren't we at a party?"

"Because we're to cool for parties."

"We didn't get invited, did we?"

"Sorry...." he sighed

"It's okay." I smiled "Just a party."

"Well, since we have no coach.... do you want to skip dry land? I mean we don't have to, but I just thought that...-"

"Sure."

"Okay." he smiled "So... umm... we should probably get in the water..."

"Probably, y'know. Since were not doing dry land." I laughed

"Alright... well... umm... one second."

Tristan got up and walked up the stairs into the coaches office.

I heard all the guys leaving for their party, and they said their goodbyes. It was kind of lonely without Tristan. I knew he was only upstairs, but I couldn't help but think that I was alone.

All the lies came crashing down on me. I started thinking of the day I got engaged. Truthfully. How happy I was, how he bent down on one knee and told me he loved me.

That was a long time ago. A couple months... I thought I’d get over it, but I didn't. I was still heartbroken... and no guy was there with a hot glue gun. Me and food didn't get along either to cope with the pain. I wasn't like Paul Blart. Peanut Butter didn't feel the cracks of my heart.

Sleeping didn't help either. I had flashbacks. Dreams of what happened, right down to the very detail.

I felt bad about lying to my mom, but at the same time I didn't. My mom was rude, and inconsiderate. She didn't give a damn about how I felt. As long as I lived the fairy tale she didn't have. She was terrified when I told her I was going to Loras and not her beautiful Harvard.

It wasn't me. I didn't want to be in Harvard Law. I was not a lawyer.

Just the thought of her being so rude made me feel great and revengeful about not telling her what had happened. I felt horrible about not telling my sister, Hero though. After all she had done for me. Wiping up tears after prom night, telling me everything would be okay.

I felt bad for lying, and one day... I would tell her the truth.

I heard Tristan walking back down the steps, and tried to erase my mind from nothing, but him and swimming.

"Sorry it took so long, I had to get my suit on." he laughed

"Nice Tristan, Nice." I smiled

"Alright. Lets go."

He pulled off his shirt revealing his tan chest. He was normal compared to Gregory, but he had it all. Pecks, Abs... wow. I saw little moles spackled across his chest and back just like the ones on his cheek.

As he pulled off his pants I saw his Black and pink suit. I was glad he wasn't wearing his Speedo, and that he was wearing his long suit. It just looked better on him. His legs looked thicker, and he just looked better.

"Come on Ives!" he smiled

"Alright, Alright. I’m coming!" I started laughing.

I pulled off my iSWiM t-shirt and Adidas shorts revealing my multi-colored suit. To tell you the truth, it was pretty random. There was White and black checkers with random streaks of colors along the whole suit.

It was my drag suit, so of course it was stretched out, the only part that wasn't was the inside layer.

Under my drag suit I had gotten a new endurance one for competition.

"o0o0o New suit?" He said pulling out the corner of my under suit.

"Yeah..." I blushed, "Endurance and everything." I smiled

"ha-ha Nice."

"What about you? I thought you loved your little Speedo!"

"I did, but... y'know. Just wasn't working out."

I started laughing, "Nice Tristan. Come on." I said tugging on his arm. "Lets go!!"

We started walking over to the diving blocks.

"Is the cap really necessary?" he asked as I pushed my cap into the water to make it easier to put on.

"No, I just thought that...-"

"We don't have a coach. We could go off the diving board. You don't need your cap." he smiled

His hand reached down to mine and slowly pulled the cap out from in between my fingers. His hand was warm.

I looked down.

"I’m... I'm..." he stuttered. "I’m sorry"

"Its fine." I blushed

Like I’m some Barbie that some freak decided to dress up.



I sighed, grabbed my purse and walked out of the stores front doors.

First sentence: repetition of "some". Second: 'stores" should be "store's".

"Tristan. Tristan... please. Your not British!" I said laughing hysterically.

I noticed this in a couple of places. "Your" should be "you're" which is the contraction of "you are." "Your" is possessive, eg. "this towel is yours."

Ok... At this point, I've been scrolling down a bit and have to say that, IMO, this is WAAAAAAYYYY too long to be posted on YWS, especially in only one chunk. This is probably why you don't have any reviews left. I was going to go through and do a thorough nitpick, but now I don't think I'll have time. If you break it up a bit, into segments that are only one or two chapters long at most, then it will be easier for people to comment on.

Overall, I like this piece. Tristen is well-characterized, and I like Ivy. You did a good job with that. Some things I would watch out for:

1) Telling. You're doing a pretty good job, but the descriptions of some things, especially her mother, are a little flat. Couldn't you just show her being rude without Ivy telling us? I'm assuming she's a bit biased as well, because I find it hard to believe that her mother is THAT bad.

2) Going too far into detail. One thing you've been doing very well is keeping the reader's attention. The plot is very engaging, and I'd like to read more. HOWEVER, you spend a lot of time telling us exactly what she does every time she gets dressed, takes a shower, etc. These are entire paragraphs that could be summed up in a few sentences, eg. "I changed into my suit and put on a pair of adidas and a t-shirt" vs. "I pulled on my checked, randomly colored shirt, then picked up my t-shirt and pulled it on. My shorts were next..." See what I mean? If it isn't strictly relevant to the story, then leave it out.

3) Mechanics. Please do a very careful check for grammar, spelling, punctuation, etc. It will make it so much easier for people to read, since they can focus on the story.

Ok--that said, I hope this helps you a little bit. If you decide to spread this out, please feel free to send me a PM. I'll be happy to review again.

See you around!

Lupis

ah!! first review!! thank you so much!!! i'll try to fix it!! thank you thoo :]

ill put it into shorter chunkies and tell ya when its up and running. because im already on like ch. 20 right now.

Ill go over and do some editing-- fixing up Ivy, summarizing, fixing her mom up a lil bit.

Thanks a ton on saying that its "engaging" YAY!!!!

-Fazoliiiii

Hi there.

I'll begin with the nitpicks, and then I'll go on with the overall impression.

"Hey Ives," He smiled.

"Hey Tristan," I laughed.

"What?"

"You're the only person that has ever called me Ives, and I just think its funny," I said trying to hold back a smile.

Okay, so first off, there's the matter or punctuation. Put a comma after dialogue, and a point when you end your sentences... This is because he's saying something, and smiles, it's in one sentences not too, right? Or I guess it makes it less choppy. I did the first three, but you should probably look for other ones. It would be too long for me to do them all.

"Is this serious enough, young Ivy?" he stroked his fake beard, "Pip-Pip Cheerio!"

"Fine." he sighed, "I won't be serious..."

One "e" is more than enough. If you want to show emotions, or attitude, put it in italics.

"o0o0o New suit?" He said pulling out the corner of my under suit.

This is not gramatically correct... I would recommend you just write: Oh. And maybe you want to precise that he drew out the sound out of his mouth.

"ha-ha Nice."

Again... Laughing would be a better word for it.

I'm done now. On with the overall impression!
I think this is a great plot. You leave us in suspence about what happened to the "real" Gregory, and that's good. You don't want your readers to get bored. I want to know what happened. The only thing that was disappointing was the writing. Write the full words, and don't use onomatopiea because, seriously, saying it with words is normally way better.
Okay, hope it helped!

-Other One