Dead Nyte- Dead Dream (Chap. 1)

“No! Go Back! I didn’t mean to!” I screamed as a rotting corpse drug it’s almost decomposed body towards me, the reason it was out of the ground in the first place. I backed up to try and stay out of reach of it’s crumbling fingers but tripped over a rock or log, that was conveniently placed in this graveyard, and fell. I started to scoot backwards, almost crab crawling but that would take to long. I needed to get out of their-now. “Please!” I pleaded with the monster who was once a person. I kept backing up and the beast kept coming. It was making awful grunts and groans, stuff straight out of a 1985 zombie horror flick. I backed into something solid and realized my surroundings had changed, I was in a basement now, my basement and I was against the wall with this thing still coming at me. I started to shake so much my arms could barley hold me up. I was trapped. P-Please ! S-Stop!” I stuttered out, the thing wasn’t letting off. I curled my legs up as best as I could but I was shaking so bad my legs kept slipping on the concrete floor. I could feel hot tears roll down my cheeks as the monster got closer, just out of reach. He stretched his deteriorating arm out to my leg. It only had a few fingers left and there was no meat on the whole arm, just bits of skin mixed in with whatever clothing he was buried in, It was to rotted and faded to tell what it was though. I closed my eyes and muttered a few last pleads with him before his bone wrapped around my ankle, and I knew I had just felt the icy cold grasp of death.

********


“AH!” I screamed and reached out to grab my pillow and clutch it against me, I needed something to hold onto after that night mare. I reached my hand out as far as I dared but came up with nothing but sand and dust. Sand and dust? Why was there sand and dust on my bed? I quickly raised myself up on my arms and took a look around, quickly realizing this was not my bedroom. I gasped in a breath as realization dawned on me. I started shaking and could feel hives bubbling up on my forearms, neck and face. It felt like the room was pressing in on me, like I was inside a bottle of soda and someone was shaking me. Getting tighter and tighter until I eventually burst. I was torn between yelling for mom and just sucking it up and running up the stairs alone….
“Mo-” I stopped short, Mom wasn’t home. She was at the hospital was Sky, my sister, again. I sucked in a big gulp of damp, musty air and stood up, praying the light would turn on. I fast walked to the base of the stairs and crawled my way up them, feeling out every step with my hand before taking it. The rough and rotting wood was splintering under my hands and feet. I stood and cautiously reached for the cold metal knob that would secure my escape. I turned it and thankfully, it turned easily and I was able to open the door and leave my nightmare. I walked into the kitchen and grabbed my medicine, Xanax, an anti-anxiety, taking two and swallowing them with a glass of water. The pills were chalky and pieces of them flaked off in my mouth and throat, leaving an unpleasant taste. I chugged the rest of my water, trying to wash the metallic taste down. I put my cup in the sink and turned to the clock. 6:20 AM, there was no way I was going to school after a night like that. I went to my room and threw on some clothes, grabbed my bag and headed out the door, taking my set of keys with me.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
This is my first novel, ever. So, just tell me how I could make it better. And what you would like to see happen next I have plans but hearing what you guys would like would be cool too, they may come into play some where along the line.

Hi there! I'm Esther. Pleased to meet you. So this is your first novel, huh? It's a great undertaking, but it is totally worth it by the end. Let's get on with the review.

Okay, let's start with the title! I like it okay but you should change "nyte" to "night". You probably did it on purpose to add some originality, but truthfully it just looks kind of cheesy; something you would find on a cheap zombie game. I don't think you are going for that.

Second, your dream sequence is great. I should tell you right now that whenever a character starts to talk about a new subject, create a new paragraph. It makes the story look a lot better and professional. While I'm on dialogue, I'm also going to tell you that you should avoid writing in all caps and keep your hyphen use as little as possible. Not only does this make it look better, it will become easier to read.

Let's see your opening sentence..

“No! Go Back! I didn’t mean to!” I screamed as a rotting corpse drug it’s almost decomposed body towards me, the reason it was out of the ground in the first place.

"Didn't mean to" what? Explain. Also, the bolded fragment there doesn't make much sense to me. Change it so it is more grammatically correct. You should not that you used "it's" instead of "its". "Its" is possesive, "It's" is just short for "it is".

Also, take a few moments, just a few, to describe the setting. If you delve the reader into the action immediately, they will lose interest.

Next off, we have the rest of the story..

I needed something to hold onto after that night mare. I reached my hand out as far as I dared but came up with nothing but sand and dust. Sand and dust?

You say she is surrounded by sand and dust, but later in the story she is just in her house. There are some detail issues here. Did she only imagine the dust? If so, elaborate and tell us. Is the dust really there? Make it more prominent in the story. If it doesn't matter then get rid of it.

OVERALL: Good job. The only issue I have with this really is that I've read the whole "dream opening" before, and I would like to see it spiced up a bit. I don't think you know where you are going with this story, because you have some inconsenstantces here and there. Take the time to sit down and make a small map of how YOU think the story should work out. This will be a valuble reference and will help you along when you have writers block.

I really, really liked this. I know that you can go somewhere with this so go for it, dude! (I call everyone dude, dude.) Keep writing.

So far, it's quite interesting. There's just a few mistakes, which I picked up, but so far from that it's pretty good in terms of grammar and such.

“No! Go Back! I didn’t mean to!” I screamed as a rotting corpse drug it’s almost decomposed body towards me, the reason it was out of the ground in the first place.

I think you meant dragged its body towards you? Also, the second half of the sentence doesn't fit - it's too long.

I backed up to try and stay out of reach of it’s crumbling fingers but tripped over a rock or log, that was conveniently placed in this graveyard, and fell.

Just say rock, or log. Pick one

I started to scoot backwards, almost crab crawling but that would take to long. I needed to get out of their-now.

There*

“Please!” I pleaded with the monster who was once a person.

How are you pleading with it? are you subbing uncontrollably, hyperventilating?

I kept backing up and the beast kept coming. It was making awful grunts and groans, stuff straight out of a 1985 zombie horror flick.

I liked that movie reference, nicely done.

I backed into something solid and realized my surroundings had changed, I was in a basement now, my basement and I was against the wall with this thing still coming at me.

Expand. I ran my fingers along the cold, hard surface, wondering where I could possibly be. It dawned on me - I was in my basement!

I did like this change though, you make it quite clear at this point that it's a dream, which is sometimes hard to do so well done

********

“AH!” I screamed and reached out to grab my pillow and clutch it against me, I needed something to hold onto after that night mare.

I don't really like how you've started this off, maybe try something like: With a scream, I awoke and sat bold upright. Fumbling, I instinctly reached for my pillow, craving to touch anything other than the undead's clammy hand.

I fast walked to the base of the stairs and crawled my way up them, feeling out every step with my hand before taking it.

fast walked - jogged, rushed, ran?

The rough and rotting wood was splintering under my hands and feet. I stood and cautiously reached for the cold metal knob that would secure my escape.

Nice imagery.

I walked into the kitchen and grabbed my medicine, Xanax, an anti-anxiety, taking two and swallowing them with a glass of water.

You change the tense here. Walked -> taking -> swallowing.

The pills were chalky and pieces of them flaked off in my mouth and throat, leaving an unpleasant taste. I chugged the rest of my water, trying to wash the metallic taste down.

Once again, nice imagery.

You did quite well in parts of this story - but I would suggest formatting it a little, just to break up the huge wall of text.
If you keep working on this, you could have something really nice to work with so if you post more, I'll definately be looking out for it!

Have a nice day

Okay First off, Nyte is her name Second, she really is in the basement. And not knowing if her dream was really a dream or if it was actually happening is kinda the point Oh and here,

How are you pleading with it? are you subbing uncontrollably, hyperventilating?

I think you meant sobbing?
And I agree, I could go through and do a little nip/tuck to make it perfect
Thanks so much girls!
There will definitely be more to this story!

XO Change

Okay, that reply to ya'll's reviews sounded kind of rude. I really didn't mean for it to be and I'm soooo happy that you both took time to review some of my work. So I' sorry if you got the same snotty vibe of my reply like I did And thank you for the reviews You girls are awesome!

XO Change

Hey XchangeX!

Mmmm. First novels. I have to say, I already prefer this one to your other one, funnily enough. It's not so generic, and we already know a little more about the character, she's at home with her mom, she's on anxiety meds, and she has some really vivid dreams, which is what I like to see. =D

No! Go Back! I didn’t mean to!” I screamed as a rotting corpse drug it’s almost decomposed body towards me, the reason it was out of the ground in the first place.

First off, dialogue: pretty good. I can't say I've been chased by a zombie, but if I could talk, this may be something that I would say, so no complaints there.
Second: dialogue tags. You don't need it- it's obvious who is speaking, and that the narrator is screaming. So if you just shortened it to
"No, go back! I didn't mean to!" The rotting corpse dragged...
Drug is a substance that doctors and junkies use, by the way
I think I sent you a link on apostrophes, so I won't go into that...
Third: The thing with this sentence is I had to read it a few times to get what you meant. There's nothing wrong with the content, but if you change the format a little, all of a sudden it reads a lot clearer

"No, go back! I didn't mean to!" The rotting corpse dragged its almost decomposed body towards me. I was the reason it was out of the ground in the first place.

I dunno, splitting it seems clearer to me, and I couldn't see a way to make it into one sentence- experiment and see what you come up with ^_^

Looking over the rest of your dream sequence, I would recommend you read it out loud, and every time you stumble, try rewording, or altering the place of the comma. There are a few awkward sentences in there, and I think you can do it without me holding your hand, to be honest- you obviously show potential. So read it out loud, see what happens.
The other thing is that the narrator is panicked, and it's an action scene- so experiment with shorter sentences. Shorter sentences speed up the reader, and gives a more choppy feel- and when you're panicked, that's kind of how life feels. So just play around with it, and keep it in mind when you're writing action scenes.

“AH!” I screamed and reached out to grab my pillow and clutch it against me, I needed something to hold onto after that night mare.

Because this is the opening to reality, this sentence is just as important as an opening one. I think it would benifit again from being split into two sentences, it's a bit like being thrown into the middle of a marathon race at the moment. Try putting a fullstop where the comma is, maybe?

Where exactly is she when she woke up? I'm a little confused. I thought she may be outside until I saw "It felt like the room was pressing against me" so is she in the basement? And if so, why? I hope to see it explained later. ^^

I can't see any other glaring faults in the narration, but I would just say again try and mix your sentence structure and length up a bit. Short sentences work. They give impact. Or small bits of information. However if you use them too much it gets a little jerky, so longer sentences are great for giving more details, a longer action sequence, describing or explaining something. ^_^

Overall, the dream sequence opening a novel is something we've all seen before, but I'll forgive that for now. Your content shows promise for something interesting, and the we are already seeing peeks of the character coming through, which is great. I'm intrigued to why she is seeing zombies in her..basement?.. and why she was down there in the first place. I would love to see some more descriptive detail outside of the story, you describe the zombie but not so much the surroundings, and the emotions could have been 'shown' more. When you're excited your heart starts beating fast and your cheeks flush, when you think you're in trouble and panic all the blood runs from your face and you feel sick, when you're cold your teetch chatter- so use physical signs to portray emotion as well as telling, or instead of, if you're feeling brave.

Anyway, I enjoyed this, and don't hesitate to PM me again if you need anything!

-Nutty

Thanks Nutty The Dream thing, where she is, the point is for the reader to almost be as confused as she is.
she doesn't know if it was a dream or reality. She woke up in her basement, where her dream ended. Nhyte, is a necromancer, someone who has the ability to speak, raise and control the dead. Nhyte doesn't know that yet, that will come into play more-so in the following chapters. I plan to post the second one within the week
Thanks for all of the reviews!
XOChange