The Goal of a Nation

Okay, short prelude to this thing. My Comp II teacher wanted us to write a paper about the American Dream and what it meant to us. The main purpose was to include quotes, but I want to see if anyone likes the actual paper. I got a very high grade (almost perfect!), but she didn't cover the topic with me. So please tell me what you think!






The American Dream has always been the goal of Americans, maybe not from the beginning, but it has always been there. It is what everyone is striving towards, the reason for them to live, but could it also be destroying them?

Our country has created the dream of living a lavish lifestyle with little to no effort involved. For some this is a possibility. Being born with “silver spoons” in their mouths, they were born into the glamorous world of the rich and famous, but-for most Americans- it requires long days, hard work, and stress levels that sky-rocket. They devote their lives and time to try to reach the impossible dream, eventually realizing that they will never reach it. For most, they will be able to bear it, but (for some) it will be the start of emptiness that will never go away. A few of those some will not be able to stand the fact that their whole life has been wasted, and will try to end it, and some will succeed. Others will resolve to end their lives, but talk themselves out of it, which is demonstrated with the poem Résumé that Dorothy Parker wrote, ending with the line “You might as well live” (line 8 ).

People have come to the conclusion that if things do not go their way, then their life is not worth living. Their level of satisfaction is not reached so they act like spoiled brats and try to prove the world a point by taking their life into their own hands, which does not end well for them. Everything has to go their way, and if it does not, then they think that they can never be satisfied, can never be happy again. Their life is not about their happiness, but about them striving towards the goal that every person is striving towards. In America, it is the American Dream, and it is different for everyone, changing with every new generation; getting bigger and even more impossible with every day. Everyone is responsible to further their lifestyle just a little bit to help their child be closer to the dream than they were; the next generation is always closer to the previous generations’ dream than they will ever be to the current dream. Although there are always exceptions to the rules, most will die never reaching the dream, but some will reach it, and they will create a new dream to achieve.

There are two types of people in the world, those that can cope, and those that cannot. The ones who cannot cope with the stress of life either take their life or try and fail. The ones that can cope with life either continue to try to achieve the American Dream, or they give up and just live the same routine life day after day; however, they miss the point of the American Dream, the whole reason that the dream was created was to give people hope for tomorrow; that their life will be better off than it was the day before, that their children will not suffer through the things that they had to. In today’s society people do not want to work to get to the end result. They want it handed to them on a silver platter, and so they miss out on the character building, and the gratitude for their success. They do not think about the challenges and hardships that they would have gone through, because they deserve to be where they are, without any effort.

Our society has been ruined by the American Dream, destroyed by the wants of every new generation. Although there are still people who hope for a better tomorrow and strive for it, they will be overrun by the impatience of the young and immature. America has decided for change, but will change destroy us even more? Our founding fathers wanted this country to be a safe haven for people to come to without persecution, and then it changed into the ‘get rich quick’ theme that it has become today. People from around the world come so they can make more money, and to live a better lifestyle than they did back in their own country. They can appreciate our country more than we do. They have been oppressed and taxed until there was nothing left for them to live for, so they come wanting a better life. But even for them, it may be changing.

Everyone has their own dream, apart from the central main idea that our country has created. One example is that demonstrated by Grace Paley, in her short story “A Man Told Me the Story of His Life.” A man named Vicente tells how he wanted to be a doctor with his whole heart, and that dream is taken away from him when his teacher tells him, that based on his test scores, he should be an engineer. Vicente lives his life and has a wife and kids and is content with how he lived, but he is glad that he had knowledge from his dream of being a doctor, because he saved the life of his wife with that knowledge. Our country has come to depend on test scores and statistic to determine our futures. Nothing is solely based on our dreams and aspirations, but on the expectations of what other people push onto us. With this happening, we get more people in jobs that they hate, who dread going to work; it creates an unhappy world.

Arnold Schwarzenegger used America to fuel his dream to be the biggest person in the world. And he gave a very superficial view of America and the people that live there, saying “California is to me a dreamland. You have beautiful people there. They all have a tan” (Terkel 1198). Has America been reduced to this superficial view, that all that matters is the way you look, and not the means that it takes to get there? Is everything an act, a mask that people put on when they go out, so that others will not see their faults and hardships? If so, then our country will not last for very long. Even with our new technology and fashion, it will not last and fuel this country forever.

The American Dream is the goal of nearly every American, but has it destroyed the people and the country with them? If this country continues to progress and make the dream even more unreachable, then the hope of the nation will diminish and this country will drop out of the running for the wealthiest country. The American Dream will disappear and there will be nothing to live for anymore. People will lose the drive to live and could catapult our country into chaos. The effects of losing the American Dream could destroy us, but it might also destroy us by itself.

Hello Teddybear! I'm SporkPunk and I'll be reviewing this today.

Grammar

It was mostly good. I couldn't find to much of anything to nitpick, though this might be something worth pointing out:

There are two types of people in the world, those that can cope, and those that cannot.

When referring to people, you wouldn't use "that," as "that," is reserved for inanimate objects. The proper phrasing would be "who can cope, and those who cannot."

Pedantic, yes, but I had to find something! : )

Subject Matter, how you presented it, etc.[/b

I think your piece is quite relevant to today, but I'm sure you already knew that. You support your stance well, though if you had more time you probably could have delved even deeper. The quotes you use were well chosen. And mentioning Dorothy Parker anytime is great!

[b]Overall
You definitely deserved the grade you got. xD

~SporkPunk

The American Dream has always been the goal of Americans, maybe not from the beginning, but it has always been there.

This sentence contradicts itself. You're saying the dream has always been, but wasn't, but back to has. If it developed over time, then say it developed over time; don't jump back and forth between it was and wasn't. Also, it might be a good idea to define what the American Dream is in the most general sense.

Being born with “silver spoons” in their mouths, they were born into the glamorous world of the rich and famous, but-for most Americans- it requires long days, hard work, and stress levels that sky-rocket.

Again, another contradictory sentence. I have no idea why "for most Americans" is offset by dashes; it makes the phrase read as an aside when it is actually an essential part of the sentence.

Others will resolve to end their lives, but talk themselves out of it, which is demonstrated with the poem Résumé that Dorothy Parker wrote, ending with the line “You might as well live” (line 8 ).

This quote was not incorporated smoothly into the essay at all. Try rewording it so that the quote and relevant information reads naturally. Something like "'You might as well live' (line 8), the ending line of Dorothy Parker's poem 'Résumé', sums up how yet others talk themselves out of ending their lives" reads much more smoothly.

Something I noticed in this paragraph was how you have a lot of pronouns without clear antecedents. For instance, who is the "they" in the fourth sentence? Most Americans or the silver spooners? Because you've already referred to the silver spooners as "they", it is unclear which group this "they" is referring to.

Another thing I noticed was how you make many opinionated claims without any concrete evidence to back it up. It may not have been part of the assignment, but I will tell you now that I found this a major turn-off, especially since I disagree with what you think is the American Dream. I suggest you get into the habit of supporting your opinions with credible outside sources; it will lend greater strength to your own views without risking a reader going "...where is she coming up with all of this?"

Third paragraph: just how many American Dreams are there? I thought there was only the one? That is what your introductory paragraphs led me to believe, after all.

The ones that can cope with life either continue to try to achieve the American Dream, or they give up and just live the same routine life day after day; however, they miss the point of the American Dream, the whole reason that the dream was created was to give people hope for tomorrow; that their life will be better off than it was the day before, that their children will not suffer through the things that they had to.

Take a good long look at this sentence. Do you spy the comma splice? What about the inappropriately used semicolons? I suggest that, rather than trying to dazzle us with the complexity of your sentences, you focus more on conveying your points as clearly as possible.

This essay made me want to punch something. Why? Because of all the unfounded claims. And here's the ticker: you have a number of points that I agree with. However, you did not present them as well as they could have been presented. Instead, you jumped around from one thing to another, pulling claims and opinions out from left and right, even in your conclusion paragraph, which should be a summary of everything you covered in the essay.

Honestly, I'm wondering if you even outlined this, what with all the claim dropping and idea hopping throughout. I suggest, in the future, that you be more thorough in your outlining. A good rule of thumb for an outline is that each paragraph has one main idea and around three supporting ideas that directly tie into the main idea and each other. Any more ideas, and you can't spend time developing each one; any fewer, and the main point is not as supported as it could be.

In short: the logic of this essay had a lot of flaws. A more thorough outline will help you keep track of the logic and prevent such logic flaws in the future.

Hi! First off, a little nitpick I found:

For most, they will be able to bear it, but (for some) it will be the start of emptiness that will never go away.

Try not to use parentheses for parenthetical statements in essays. Use parenthetical commas instead. If you're not sure what I mean, look it up in your favorite grammar book and you'll see!

Anyway! In my university, this would probably get a D. You don't answer the question, first of all. You keep asking questions and you never actually try to answer the question or prove your answer. It just runs around in circles. It has good English and the quotes are used adequately (although the engineer/doctor quote is not understandable for anyone who hasn't read that story) but it lacks really any point and it rambles.

Look at your conclusion paragraph... the very last paragraph that really doesn't conclude anything but introduces everything. That could easily be the first paragraph and the essay could have addressed all the points that you brought up there. That would have answered the question and kept you focused throughout your paper.

Also, when they say use quotes, this means that each of the points that you bring up in your essay must be proven by quotes that are taken in context. So, let's look at this topic sentence: "There are two types of people in the world, those that can cope, and those that cannot." Where is the proof? Who came up with this idea? You? How can you prove that this idea is indeed true? Did someone else come up with this idea? Quote or at least reference the research paper or textbook or scholarly paper that held this idea. But, the thing is you need to prove everything that you say in your paper with quotes and sources. Otherwise, you might as well be making stuff up.

Okay, so I'm disappointed in myself now. I thought it was a very good essay, but now that I think on it, I don't answer the question.

Kyllorac:
I see what you're saying, I need to rework my sentences and my references.
The dashes are there to separate the ideas, my professor actually went through it with me and said to use them.

Snoink:
The parentheses were put there because my professor wanted me to get rid of the commas that I had there previously. Same with the semi-colons. She said that comma after comma is tiresome and other uses of punctuation need to be used.

Okay, I guess I need to work on how I answer my essay questions from now on. I will continue to work on them. But for now, I will keep this essay the same, just because I got my grade and I'm being lazy right now. Thanks for everything guys!