Guilty.

Author's note: This poem was inspired by several scenes from ABC's series LOST; namely, the relationship between Ben and Locke.

I saw the lie
Squirm in your eyes
Their blue betrayed you

You swore your hate
Was only fate
Though none believed you

Now you're crying,
"I'm done with lying"
Your sorrow fills me

I swear I'll try
To rectify
The day you killed me.

Hi! So, I've never seen LOST, but this poem is simple and vague enough that it can apply to a lot of people. I like the short, sweet stanzas, how they carry emotion even though they're so small.

"I'm done with lying"

This could just be me, but I think adding in the dialogue makes this choppy, brings the reader to a halt because they have to think, realize that this isn't just another line but that the person is saying this. If it were me I'd change this, but you may want to get a second opinion.

Other than that line, I felt this flowed fairly well. It was a little iffy at first (I think my mind was trying to use punctuation to guide it but you have none, which is fine) but once I got into it the flow really... flowed. Good job.

loveness, ultraviolet <3

Rhyming is always very difficult to do, and it's something I've never been able to pull off successfully. Neither have most authors, or even published poets for that matter.

Here, the rhyming almost works. I like how the first two lines of each stanza rhyme, and then the third line has the same ending as the third line in the previous stanza. You also have the meter down, and the rhythm.

However, I think it falls apart with the fourth stanza. It should be a powerful stanza as it reveals a fact of crucial importance to the narrator, but instead it just feels flat. I think that's due to the rhyme scheme for two reasons: (1) you're forcing yourself into a specific form, and (2) I found myself paying more attention to the rhymes than the subject matter.

If you re-do this, I'd advise ditching the rhyme scheme and instead just write free-style. You obviously have talent, so I think you'll write a better poem if you're not forcing yourself to rhyme every line.

I like it!

This poem is a little short, but it works. I can't think of anything to be critical about, and I think if I were to list my favourite lines I would just recite the poem. I think every line is brilliant, each one carries its own weight, but still adds its piece to the poem as a whole.

I watched the first few seasons of Lost, but for reasons (mostly involving the lack of illegal streaming) I couldn't watch the rest, so I'm not really sure what this character relationship actually is. Still, I've got a really strong sense of that relationship from this poem.

I would say this is one of my favourite poems on YWS, and I thank you for posting it

Hey Hawkie,

The irregular punctuation in this bothers me. You start off with no punctuation at all, which would be perfectly fine had you not then decided to punctuate halfway in. Try choosing one or the other and stick with it: switching midway is only distracting and makes it look as though you weren't paying attention.

You swore your hate
Was only fate

This sounds forced to me, as well as well, unbelievable. If you could somehow expand on the idea, make it easier to get, because right now it's just a statement that sounds rather ridiculous and therefore takes away all the importance of the following line.

To rectify
The day you killed me.

How would you go about rectifying a day? Wording seems awkward. I think there are other words you could find that would fit better. I can't say much more, as I haven't watched any Lost and the deeper implications/references are lost on me (pun not intended :P). Nice start, keep going.

You rhyme.
Mad props just for that!

Now, I dont watch lost, becuase it confused me, but just readin your poem, I can guess that the relationship is full of lies and betrayal.
Am I right?
This was a tense poem, but with strong emotions.
I really liked it
Keep Writing
~WickedWonder

Hi there!

So, I agree that the rhyme didn't totally work, but you were really, really close. Good on you for that! I've never watched lost, so I can't quite get the references, but this was vague enough to fit anything. I personally think you should ditch the punctuation for stylistic purposes, because the pauses are really, really easy to pick up on. Other than that, I don't really have any nitpicks.

Good job!

--Sporks

Hey there Hawkie! Flower here, and I will be your reviewer for the evening. One thing I noticed is that this is really short. I don't feel that the last line of each stanza really flows well either. I think that you need to add a bit of description to this, and then it would be really good.

I saw the lie Just put a comma here, and the capitol letter in the next line won't be nessecary.
Squirm in your eyes
Their blue betrayed you I would describe the blue more, and then put a period at the end.

You swore your hate
Was only fate I think your rhyming was a bit forced here. I think you should consider just making this poem a non rhyming one. The first and second line always rhymes, and the last line never does.
Though none believed you Period.

Now you're crying,
"I'm done with lying"
Your sorrow fills me Period, and the line above wouldn't need a capitol letter.

I swear I'll try
To rectify
The day you killed me.[/quote] This is a bit random. I think you should tell more of a story in this poem. Give us a reason that all of this is happening. You leave us in the dark, and it is so short we just don't get it.

I think this has great potential, it just needs a bit of work. If you don't understand why I said something above, or just need me for something, feel free to pm me.

-Flower-