Alone into the Night

This is another one-shot, written in between playing my new glee app and doing some homework. Thoughts?


I clutched the glass of whiskey in my hand, not wanting to drop it and loose the sweet nectar of life. I sat at the hazy, smoky bar, alone and lonely. My fiancée, James, always refused to come to the bar with me. He said I got moody when I got drunk. I was drunk almost all the time.
I took a sip of the whiskey, felt it slide down my throat, no longer letting it burn. Now I was just May, numb to the world. I could hear the beautiful, iridescent chimes of the piano near me, but I didn’t listen. I was currently engaged on finishing the glass so I could have another.
I twisted my engagement ring on my finger, felt a tear roll down my cheek. God, how I despised that ring. It weighed down my finger, a constant reminder of who I should be, or at least, who I should be.
I didn’t even think James loved me. He just asked me to marry me to save me from the downward spiral I was bound to hit.
Twenty-seven. I was only twenty-seven. I didn’t need this, I didn’t need James. I placed the empty glass on the counter in front of me and the bartender slid me a new, full glass. I took a gulp and pulled out my phone to check the time. James would be there to pick me up in half an hour. It was only eight-thirty, though it felt like I had spent my life, sitting in that same spot.
I pulled a pen from my purse and grabbed a napkin. I wasn’t sure if this would kill him. Hell, I wasn’t even sure what I was really doing. I slipped my engagement ring off, and scrawled a quick note on the napkin-I’m sorry. I just can’t do this.
I left the diamond-encrusted ring on the napkin, next to my decrypt cell phone. Then, I paid the barman and walked alone into the night.

Hello wickedwonder! This story was nice and casual. Short but good. If you wanted to make it great you could have thrown in some anecdotes about the MC's life and her relationship with James. I like where the story is going.

A few nit-picks:

alone and lonely

Saying you are alone and lonely is redundant

James would be there to pick me up in half an hour.

Where is "there"? Did you mean the bar? If so, you should change it to "here".

When I read this through the first time I was confused as to why she left her, no doubt expensive, ring in a bar with her cell phone. What is someone ran off with it?

Just my opinion, take it or leave it. Overall I like your writing style. It flows so nicely and your voice is soothing .

Good Luck! -Lauren

Nice, short and simple story. It reminds me of something I read in a short story anthology somewhere.

It weighed down my finger, a constant reminder of who I should be, or at least, who I should be.

Did you mean: a constant reminder of who I was, or at least, who I should be. And the last line:

I left the diamond-encrusted ring on the napkin, next to my decrypt cell phone. Then, I paid the barman and walked alone into the night.

One: Diamond-encrusted sort of implies that the ring has a diamond coating. In that case, you could have left out the encrusted. Or is it a diamond-embroidered ring?
Two: The very last sentence, I felt would have been better written as: Then I paid the barman, and I walked alone into the night. Then again that's just my personal opinion.

TIGERSPRITE

Hi Wicked! Pink here
Here to do a quick review for this short piece, hope you don't mind

My fiancée, James, always refused to come to the bar with me. He said I got moody when I got drunk. I was drunk almost all the time.

Why would she have a fiancee if she's always drunk? I mean, who would want her then? Just a thought.

I could hear the beautiful, iridescent chimes of the piano near me, but I didn’t listen

Sorry ahead of time, I'm a bit nitpicky sometimes
But, here, you say she wasn't listening to the piano yet she was able to describe the tone?

God, how I despised that ring.

I think this part should be in italics. Like, her thoughts...I don't know if you get what I mean.

He just asked me to marry me to save me from the downward spiral I was bound to hit.

Why? Why would he do that? I mean, that's still sacrificing freedom for her, therefore he should have some sort of feeling for him, right? Correct me if I'm wrong.

Overall, I liked the idea here. But I think it was too short and it seriously needed something to expand it a little. What was the main problem here? What kind of relationship did they have? You have yet to let us know the main conflict here. Your descriptions were nice but I still think you could have used more emotion here. This is a pretty dramatic piece here, and I'd to know of the MC's background so I could connect with her. I know that's hard to do, since this is a short story haha, but do try. Other than that, I don't have much else to say. Keep writing,

~Pink

this is good but to short for any real reading. is this a preview?I have seen your other work and this is my least fav.

Hey Wicked! here's my review, sorry if it's short!
I liked it, i mean it was simple and easy to understand. But i also got to agree with pink in this one, why would he want a drunk fiancee? my opinion. But i like the way you mentioned her age, but was that saying that she was still young? and she wanted to live life to the fullest? or is it because she didn't actually love her fiancee?
Besides all that,i really did like your story!
Keep writing!
~Book Person~

Hello there
Since you're relatively new to YWS, I will welcome you...welcome.
I think I've seen you around doing your part with reviews so I thought I'd pay you a visit.I think that a lot has been said though. This story was very straight forward. I loved the way you set the mood, the way you described everything to detail and engaged the reader. You used had great imagery and suspense too. Your major problem would have to be your grammar, it needs some work. There were also some spelling errors in there as well. But it's an enjoyable story. Keep up the good work!

Good job