Camping

You can hear the owls and the crickets
in the traces of the wind--the same cold wind
that swirls around your body and makes you
huddle closer to the fire. It’s pitch black; you can barely
see a thing. But everyone’s happily chatting, talking
about the world they got away from for the weekend.
Marshmallows are roasting; you can’t wait to have a bite.
Soon it’ll be time to go to sleep; you’ll retreat to your tent,
huddle in your sleeping bag. You’ll need your rest, because
there will be another exciting day tomorrow;
a day of swimming and hiking and thirty-minute car rides to
the camping store. Enjoy it all, because soon it will be over.

I'm not a huge fan of poetry because I think people over do it to the point where I can't really understand it. I like the type of poetry that's easily understandable but still has a good message.

I did like your poetry, but I'm having a hard time seeing the actual poetry. It kind of reminded me of a story because it didn't really flow or rymn. I'm not saying all poetry has to rymn, but it does have to flow even a little bit.

But I know I couldn't do any better. I really suck at poetry but I like to read it. Yours was very fun to read, so I hope you write more. Just make it flow a bit more.

Hey there Elinor!

Glad I got around to this! To begin with a disclaimer, you probably know that I don't really write or review poetry regularly anymore, so take my suggestions for what they are. All in all, I thought this was an interesting idea. I admire you for taking the risk of using second person; second person is tricky and often difficult to write in, so I like that you're dabbling in it.

So, I liked the idea here--I'm just having a hard time understanding why it's written in poetic form. It doesn't read as poetic--it reads as if this is a paragraph of prose. If someone were to read it aloud to me, I would not guess it was poetry. Part of this is due to the line breaks. The sentences do not seem to break in any coherent pattern, and the places where I would want to pause due to the line break sound awkward when I do. The line breaks sound awkward because the rhythm isn't flowing. As important as rhythm to prose, it is ten times more important to poetry. Right now, even if I were to take this out of poetic form, the rhythm feels a little choppy.

Elinor wrote:huddle closer to the fire. It’s pitch black; you can barely
see a thing. But everyone’s happily chatting, talking
about the world they got away from for the weekend.
Marshmallows are roasting; you can’t wait to have a bite.
Soon it’ll be time to go to sleep; you’ll retreat to your tent,
huddle in your sleeping bag. You’ll need your rest, because
there will be another exciting day tomorrow

An example. The first sentence here (beginning with 'it's pitch black') along with the sentence that comes before it (not shown here) are long and meandering; they have a nice beat and flow well into closure. After that, however, the pattern breaks. If it accelerated, it would be a different matter, but the flow of the poem just seems to break into these more matter-of-fact statements such as "marshmallows are roasting" and "you'll need your rest". When you revise this, try reading aloud what you are writing and paying close attention to the rhythm and where you want to pause and break the lines. When you're writing in poetic form, rhythm gets special attention.

Another thing that I think could be done to improve this piece is to rely less on the second person. I've always seen the point of second person as drawing the reader into the action by directly involving him/her. When I read good second person, I fill the actions of the character with my own emotions, but, even in second person, details are the powerhouse of the sentence. Here we get general actions that 'you' take, and perhaps some of us can supply our own experiences into that, but I've never gone camping and so I don't find myself being sucked into the second person right now. How to fix this? Details. Stuff like how the marshmallows smell, sensation, some body language on the part of 'you'; focus on getting the reader to sit in the middle of this situation and experience it. Right now, when I reach the last line, I don't feel any remorse, because I am not wrapped up in the experience that is ending. Get me to feel what is happening, trap me in the setting with details and get the reader's emotions to fill the scene and that last line will pack the intended punch.

When working with details, also consider that you are writing in poetic form... and that gives you lots of leeway when it comes to imagery and poetic device. Reading lots of poetry should help you with this, observing how descriptive poets paint scenes. It takes practice, but practice is the only way to improve.

So, in summary, I thought this piece was interesting, but I think when you revise, you can work on:

1. greater recognition and use of the poetic form in regards to rhythm and imagery
2. reading aloud to iron out some of the choppy rhythm and incoherent line breaks
3. using more details to make the reader really experience the scene at hand

Nice start here! I was glad I got to read this. When revising this, just remember that writing poetry is both different and similar to writing prose. Different in that poetic form emphasizes rhythm more and tends to be more particular about single words. Similar in that both rely heavily on detail to hook the attention of the reader and keep it. Keep writing! And if you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

I love camping!

Anyway.

I think you have limited yourself a great deal by using "you" as a subject. Because you don't have a defined subject, and must refer to all of your readers as a collective person, you are restricted to common, mundane tasks in order to make the poem feel believable. Thus, you leave us feeling a little let down. I would love to see you switch it up, and allow yourself to delve more deeply into a fictional character, rather than paint everything with such a broad brush.

That was my only real issue with the poem, aside from what Smorgishborg has already covered. I think if you allow yourself a little more wiggle room, the "safeness" that we get from this piece will be less evident. Overall, I like your rhythm and I think you have a good sense of physical description--you just need to give us a little something more!

Hmmmmm...
I can't seem to think where I wanna take this.
While reading your poem, it sounds very smooth and sorta 'homey' at best.
In a good way of course.
Then, when you near the end it kinda confuses me because of your approach.
"Enjoy it all, because soon it will be over."
It reminds me of a bad childhood of mine.
Nothing to mention really, but you know 'promises not kept.'
You got inside my head with this poem and it strikes me.
Thanks for a realization, however small it might have been to me.
Bravo!
*as only good Poetry can do my friend!*
-The Written Chef

Hi Elinor! SporkPunk here.

This poem doesn't quite convey much of anything poetic. It reads much like prose, and nothing is realized, or gained from it. It's very safe. You try to branch out and take a risk by using the second person, however, in doing so, I think you limit yourself further because you don't define a character to make it the narrative more personal. And as such, you only write about common camping occurrences. I think, by making some changes in subject, and looking at how you word the story you tell, you can make this a great poem.

Good job, otherwise.

Keep Writing!

Sporky

Pretty good!
I'm not really into poetry, but this was quite good.
The only thing i'd suggest doing would separating into stanzas. That way the reader has a chance to breathe and take everything in. Otherwise, the reader would be reading the whole thing in one breath.

Nice work though
~WickedWOnder