A Shot of Arrogance (Chapter Eight ~ Part One)

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A Shot of Arrogance ~ Chapter Eight ~ Part One

The official page thingy for A Shot of Arrogance. Join and you get a monkey. :smt001


I’d always hated hospitals. The bland colours, the hushed voices, the hard, plastic waiting room chairs and the people with blank faces. What I hated the most was the smell. It made my stomach turn. The smell was like a mix of bleach and disinfectant. The smell wafted into my nostrils and I let any air that I needed enter through my mouth, but not even that could block out the heinous smell around me.
It felt as though I’d forgotten how to think. Everything within the past few hours had sped by without giving me a chance to digest anything. After failing to wake him up, I’d taken Oliver’s phone out of his pocket and managed to call for an ambulance. I wasn’t sure how I did so because I could hardly breathe, let alone speak. While I was sitting on the cold balcony floor, I continued shaking Oliver, begging for him to wake up. Nothing worked though. His eyes simply remained shut. The air around me was so cold, it felt as though it was piercing into my skin.
Trying to remove the memories from my mind, I stared at the bland wall in front of me. I didn’t know what was happening. The doctors hadn’t told me anything and, to be honest, I was too scared to ask. Chewing on the sleeve of my jacket, I turned my attention to the small clock that hung on the wall. It was almost half past ten by now but it felt as though it had been for the past hour. Right now, I wished time would speed up again.
The police had spoken to me earlier. They’d asked me about what had happened. I hardly told them anything though, I couldn’t bring myself to. No matter how hard I tried to explain, after a few words, my mouth would run dry and I’d forget what I was about to say. The police gave up on me eventually. They had to because they knew that I wouldn't - couldn't - bring myself to tell them what had happened. I knew they'd be back though.
I had no idea why, but I swore they were trying to get me to tell them that it was all Oliver’s fault. They knew who I was: Victoria Kingston, daughter of one of the richest men in England. Whether that had anything to do with it, I didn’t know. It really got on my nerves. If it wasn’t for Oliver, I’d be in a much worse state right now.
No matter how hard I tried to forget, my mind kept tracing back to the pale boy who’d grabbed me. I didn’t know who he was, how old he was, what his name was. I didn’t know anything about him. I couldn’t stop thinking about what would have happened if Oliver hadn’t heard me calling. It made me feel sick.
Shutting my eyes, I felt them watering up. I bit my lip as I forced the tears to run dry. Soon, it felt as though there was a golf ball growing in my throat. I couldn’t let myself cry, not now. My throat was sore enough from crying already. Pushing every thought of tonight out of my head, I tried my hardest to think about absolutely nothing.
When I opened my eyes again, I noticed a blonde haired woman who was sitting a few chairs away from me, staring in my direction. I realised that I must have looked a complete mess in my dirty white skirt and my tight black top that had been ripped. For the first time ever, I didn’t give a crap.
“Victoria?” I heard a voice beside me.
Spinning around, I saw a small woman who’s discoloured hair was tied back into a perfect bun at the top of her head. My heart jumped as I looked at her.
“Ella!” I cried, leaping out of my seat.
For the first time in hours, a feeling of comfort grew inside of me as I collapsed into Ella’s arms. Without even trying to hide it this time, I let myself burst into tears, not giving a damn about who saw.
Ella gently rubbed my arm as I sobbed, hushing me quietly. It felt impossibly good to be held in her arms like I used to when I was a child. Recently, I hadn’t seen Ella as much as I’d liked to and I hadn’t realised how much she actually meant to me. She simply wasn’t working as often as she used to. Why that was, I didn’t know, but I didn’t like it either.
After I’d finally managed to calm down, I sat back down as Ella sat in the seat next to mine. I couldn’t help but move as closely as possible to her. A weak smile grew on my face as the sweet smell of Ella’s perfume began to drown out the smell of bleach and disinfectant.
“How... how did you know what happened?” I lifted my eyes up to Ella’s face as a few sniffles escaped my nose. “ I know they rung my parents but I didn’t think they’d rung you?”
“They couldn’t get hold of Ollie’s mother so they called me instead,” Ella replied, placing her arm around me. “What were you thinking, Victoria?” I could tell that Ella was trying to sound harsh, but it wasn’t working.
I didn’t answer her. I just shrugged, mainly because I didn’t even know the answer. Thinking back, I realised that going to Oliver’s flat was the stupidest idea I’d ever had.
Ella sighed as she continued rubbing my arm. I was so glad that she was here, it almost hurt. Shutting my eyes for a few seconds, I could feel that blonde woman’s eyes on me again, but I still managed to ignore her.
“Have the doctors said anything to you about Ollie?” Ella asked me.
I shook my head as a sharp pain stung in my throat. I found the fact that the doctors hadn’t said anything unnerving. There must have been a reason I wasn’t told. To be honest, I really wasn’t sure if I wanted to find out.
As every person walked past, Ella glanced at their chest, clearly searching for a staff tag to reveal that they were a doctor. When a tall dark haired man dressed in a shirt and tie walked past, Ella stopped him before turning back to me.
“Are you okay to wait here for five minutes?” she spoke softly.
I nodded my head, rather unsure about my reply. What if I broke down again? I bit my nails, realising that I was being stupid. I’d be fine. Besides, Ella would only need to talk to the doctor for a couple of minutes and although I was terrified to ask, I wanted to know if Oliver was okay.
Ella gave me a weak, obviously nervous smile as she stood up. The doctor Ella had stopped led her to the wall opposite me as the both of them stood outside one of the doors. When their lips began to move, I attempted to hear what they were saying. I could make out a few words, but nothing that gave much away.
I gave up on trying to hear the words that left their mouths and turned my attention to Ella’s face. Maybe I could tell what they were saying by Ella's expressions? I began fidgeting in my seat as I noticed a strained expression on her face. She nodded her head a few times, bit her lip every few seconds and often lifted her fingers to her mouth like she always did when she was nervous or worried.
What if Oliver wasn’t okay? What if I’d spent too much time pointlessly crying on the floor instead of calling for help? If I hadn’t been so stupid and actually listened to Oliver when he told me to leave, none of this would have happened. I felt the same hard lump growing in my throat again. Please be okay, I thought, keeping my eyes on Ella’s face. Please.

*****


I stared at Ella, my lip quivering. The second the words processed in my mind, my head rapidly began spinning. I held my breath, making sure that I’d heard every word right. I almost had to pinch myself to believe in what I was hearing. After hours of feeling as though my entire heart was weighing me down, wondering if he was going to be all right, I finally knew. A small tear slowly ran down my cheek.
“Thank God!”
The sound of my voice made me jump. It came out an awful lot louder than I’d expected and I got the odd strange stare. I didn’t care though. He was going to be okay. Oliver was going to be perfectly fine. I let another tear fall down my cheek along with a bucket load of relief. The hours of worrying were over, at last.
Ella laughed at my reaction as I wiped the warm tears from my cheeks. It was so strange. It seemed as though knowing that Oliver was okay made absolutely everything else perfect. I couldn’t believe that I was admitting it, but I thought that I was actually beginning to somewhat care about Oliver to an extent. He may have been the most annoying eighteen year old I’d ever met, but if he was willing to get himself stabbed for me, he couldn’t have been such a bad person.
Although the stab wound was deep, the knife hadn’t pierced through any vital organs, so the damage wasn’t all too bad. Oliver had lost quite a lot of blood, but it wasn't a problem that couldn’t be solved. He also had quite a few bad bruises from when he was fighting with Kenzie. There was nothing too serious though.
Ella was still laughing slightly when I heard a phone ringing. Jumping slightly, she reached down into the pocket of her trousers and pulled out a chunk of a mobile phone.
“Nearly gave me a heart attack!” Ella smiled, flicking open her phone. Reading the screen, her expression changed slightly. “Gosh, it’s your father... can you excuse me for a second?”
“Sure, go ahead. I hope he isn’t too angry at me...” I muttered.
Ella mouthed a thank you as she pattered down the corridor, pressing her phone against her ear.
“Excuse me?” a voice made me spin around. I saw the doctor who Ella had been talking to earlier. “Victoria, isn’t it?”
I nodded, smiling as I shook his hand. I glanced at his name tag that read Dr. Sulley. He was a rather handsome man and he kind of reminded me of Richard. He had the similar facial features.
“Do you want to see Oliver?” Dr. Sulley asked.
“He’s awake?” I replied, wide eyed.
I must have had a strange expression on my face because Dr. Sulley chuckled slightly. He replied with a simple yes, still grinning.
“Is he your friend? Boyfriend...?” Dr. Sulley asked as he led me down the corridor.
I may have started somewhat liking Oliver, but the thought of having him as a boyfriend was plain scary. Admittedly, he was a nice looking boy, but I wouldn’t ever get a word in edgeways if he was my boyfriend.
“Uh... just friends,” I said as we stopped by one of the doors.
Dr. Sulley reached into his pocket and brought out a pager before scanning the screen quickly. He pressed something on it before putting it back into the pocket of his black trousers.
“Are you okay to go in now? I’ve just been called to theater, so I need to be off,” he said.
“Yeah, I’m good.” I smiled back at him.
I thanked Dr. Sulley before he headed back down the way we came. I was about to reach for the handle when I hesitated slightly. What if Oliver was really angry? I mean, I wouldn’t have blamed him for it. I did act a bit... stupidly earlier on, I supposed.
Annoyed at myself for worrying so much, I grabbed the silver door handle and quickly pulled it down. Before I had the chance to reconsider, I pushed the door forward. The moment I stepped into the room, I let out a long breath that I didn’t even know I’d taken in. My lips curved upwards slightly as my eyes turned to Oliver who, unsurprisingly, had his hand in a bowl full of round, white mints.
Last edited by Sins on Sun Sep 26, 2010 3:29 pm, edited 10 times in total.
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.




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'Ello Skinsy!! You give me some epic pictures, you know that?? That banana rocked my socks!

Anyways..You probably know this but Imma say it anyways.
Corrections/all that junk inred!
Epic stuff inpurple!
My comments in bold!

Skins wrote:

I stared in front of me, unsure of what to do. Oliver and I were standing side by side as the group of teenagers strutted closer towards us. I felt Oliver grab me for what felt like the hundredth time.
“Tori! There’s another flight of stairs behind us, go down them.”
What was wrong with him? What did he think those kids were going to do? They just looked like the rest of the bad mannered teenagers around this block of flats.
“No.” I sniffed at him, leaning back against the balcony.
“Victoria!” Oliver was shouting at me now. “Just go!”
As he raised his voice at me, it was more or less drained out by the group of people This could quite possibly just be me and my crazy antics, but something about that didn't sound quite right. Maybe it was the "As he"? that were now yards away from us. They were still shouting extremely rudely, if I may say so myself, at Oliver.
“Wouldn’t it make a lot more sense if we just went into your flat?” I tried knocking some sense into him as I myself began feeling slightly agitated.
“No, we... we can’t.” He said.
It was too late now anyway. The next thing I knew, there was a harsh looking face almost pressed against my own. In front of me was a girl who's hair was tied back into a tight, greasy ponytail. She was smirking as she constantly chewed on the piece of gum that was in her mouth.
“Who are you ‘en, babe?” She laughed in my face. “The Queen’s kid or somethin’?”
She clearly wasn’t well educated enough to realise that I was not, in fact, Princess Anne. I was about to correct her when I was interrupted by Oliver. Ahahaha! I loved that little bit. Made me giggle.
Suddenly, his arm was forced in between the girl and I, followed by Oliver’s body. Now in front of me, he pushed the girl away as she smiled at him before winking. I couldn’t help but notice him cursing under his breath.
“She’s a bit classy for you, kid.” The boy with a baseball cap on snickered, looking at Oliver. “You payin’ for her services, is it?” The group began laughing as he spoke.
The second I realised what he meant, I felt an ounce of rage burning in my veins. I gritted my teeth harshly as the boy continued speaking.
“Do they have posh prostitute’s nowadays?” he said, now looking at me.
Them thinking that I would do anything of the kind with Oliver was bad enough, but calling me some kind of disgusting slut? Practically grinding my teeth together, I nudged Oliver out of my way and turned to the boy who'd just spoken.
“Do you know who I am?” I spat at him. “If I told my dad about you and what you just said to me, you would be in a hell of a lot of trouble!”
The group responded by simply laughing loudly, obviously amused with me. I was about to get horribly angry at them when Oliver, once again, pulled me back.
Keeping hold of me, Oliver kept me behind him as he stepped towards the boy in the baseball cap. “What do you want?” he asked seriously.
The boy turned to him, still laughing. As the last chuckle escaped his lips, his grin slowly turned into a weary looking smirk. “I’ve been hearin’ stuff about you, Poynter.”
The cockiness in the boy’s voice had now been replaced by a hint of annoyance. I swallowed hard, trying to clear my dry throat. I was beginning to wish that I had left when Oliver had told me to.
I could feel myself breathing heavily and slowly, trying to do so as quietly as possible. I didn’t want to miss out on a word that was being said. I didn’t really want to irritate this boy either; I really didn’t like him. He was almost like a nastier, cockier, more aggressive version of Oliver. I could feel my palms sweating as the boy continued talking.
“You been messin’ around with my sister?” the boy’s face was right in front of Oliver’s now.
By messing around, I was pretty certain that he didn’t mean cheating in a game of Monopoly.
The boy was narrowing his eyes as he grabbed one of Oliver’s arms. Oliver mimicked his expression, but it didn’t last long. After a few seconds, I couldn’t help but notice his lips curve upwards slightly.
“There’s more chance of me screwin’ you than your sister, Kenzie. She looks like a dog.” Oliver grinned. “Smells like one too. Tell her to try Sure, it works a charm.”
To think I’d been beginning to wonder why I thought he was such an idiot. Who in their right mind said something like that to someone who was bigger, and certainly scarier, than themselves? Mind you, what kind of name was Kenzie? Before anyone could say anything else, Kenzie pulled his arm back before thrusting it forward again, knocking Oliver hard in the face.
From then on, it felt as though everything happened within the next ten seconds. As Oliver fell backwards and Kenzie spat at him, cursing, I simply stared. Everyone was shouting by now. Everyone except for me. Why wasn’t anyone coming out of their flats? Surely, someone must have heard all of the shouting? We were right outside Oliver’s flat; where were his parents?
As quickly as he’d fallen, Oliver jumped back up, scarlet-red liquid slowly dripping down his left eye. He then did the most sensible thing he could have possibly done by repeating Kenzie’s actions and swinging his fist towards him. The shouting became louder as the group egged on the fight.
While everyone else seemed to be having the times of their lives watching the boys fight, my entire body was frozen in horror. I could hear my heart beating out of time as my breathing quickened. Had Oliver completely forgotten that I was here? Why was I here? I knew this wasn’t a good idea, so why did I have to be so stupid and come to this mess of a place?
Finally regaining myself, I quickly turned away. I had no idea who was winning the fight, and I didn’t really care either. I just had to get out of here. The screaming of voices The 'of' in this sentence didn't really seem to match very well...other than that it's fine xD shattered my eardrums as I hurriedly tried to push past the gang of youths. All of a sudden, I felt a cold hand grasp my sweating arms.
“Where do you think you’re going, babes?” one of the kids' pale faces was in front of mine.
Without giving me a chance to protest, he pulled me back towards the gang, instantly making me yelp and kick at him.
I was shocked when instead of pulling me back towards the fight, he kept on pulling me until we passed the group and continued walking. Aggressively kicking my legs and waving my arms, I tried to break free of his grasp but it was useless. Snickering, he shoved me against the wall. I hadn’t realised how far away from the others we were until the pale boy had me pinned against the rough wall.



Aghhh!! I didn't have enough to nitpick here!! D8
*sighs*

Anyways.....

I must say that you have a heck of a lot more talent than I do. xD
There was hardly anything here for me to complain about, which made me sad. =( But I'll live.
Oh...and I STILL haven't read the rest of this, and I'm interested in it.

I still love your characters, and your form flows well. Blahblahblah, praise, praise, praise.
*Is sooo not jealous*

Ahem...well, I really like this story, and that's saying something. You know, since I haven't read hardly any of it. Yeah.

Thank you for the read and I want to know when you post the next chapter!

Peace out sucka!
Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl.

got trans?




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'Ello, luv!

So, this is another entertaining chapter.You pretty much make us like Oliver and then pretty much off him in the same sequence. It's like alittle emotional rollercoaster. Very nice.

So, this chapter was a nice break from Tori's usual "I'm the best person in the world, I'm gonna go put on makeup now" attitude. She actually broke down, and for once, her shallow threats bounced. We discovered some intersting feeelings that she has deep down, and that she secretly does care for Oliver.

You use some interesting descriptions, and your dialouges are very good. We get a good idea in our heads of what the people sound like.

My one problem is- why does Tori stick out so much? Is she wearing a dress and heels, or something? I could have sworn you mentioned she was just wearing street clothes- maybe I'm wrong. I get that she doesn't exactly carry herself the way slummers do, and she probably has a weird expression on her face- but It's hard to understand why these people notice that so much. I dunno. Maybe it's obvious, and I'm just too sheltered or something. But unless she's dressed nicely and somehow drawing a lot of attention to herself, I just don't see how she can get spotted from a mile away. I've walked through slums before. Nobody really gives a thought to my being there, unless I have a purse or something. Is she exceptionally pretty?

Hm. I dunno. It's just a sort of... pet peeve of mine. I like everything to be explained.

Other than that, I thought this was a very good chapter. I can't wait for you to post more!

I think my favourite part was when Oliver got stabbed. I thought you wrote that part quite nicely. It's more of a shock when we think, at first, that he's going to be alright.

Lovely work, m'dear!

-Tori (oh, the irony)
Honey, you should see me in a crown.




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You might not even really need the bribes any more to get me to come read this. I'm addicted. Really addicted. So, you can keep the bribes. Really, I mean it. You absolutely can! :D

This chapter was epic. You didn't shy away from going there, and lots of insult and injury always make for gripping fiction. But, I think you can really, really make this even more epic and gripping with some changes, some big and some small.

The main thing, I'd love to see you go through this and remove every single instance of the verb "to feel." And I mean every single one. So, instead of I felt the boy’s hand on my leg you write The boy's hand [insert appropriately sleazy verb here][preposition of choice] my leg.

Using "to feel" adds a layer of distance, of narrative comfort, between Tori and the reader. You don't want that distance, especially not in an action scene. You don't want your reader to be comfortable. You want your reader to be Tori in all but reality, and telling us what she's feeling destroys that effect.

Plus, removing variations of 'to feel' (as well as variations of 'to see' and 'to hear' and similar sensing verbs) gives you the chance to employ the army of interesting and intriguing and delightfully rich English verbs. A hand on a leg can mean anything. But a hand creeping or snaking on a leg is entirely different. Verbs are everything, especially in action scenes.

The second thing I'd love to see is shorter, abrupter sentences. Same information, but delivered breathlessly. In other words, you make the sentence structure replicate the emotions of the character, the character's thought pattens at the time, and with this action scene, short and abrupt sentences will serve you really well. The reader'll forgive any repetition because the effect far outweighs any negatives of writing, say,

The boy kneed me in the stomach. I gasped for breath. Every part of my body shook. He shoved me against the wall again. This time, I didn't fight back. I just wanted to go home. It was dark. Cold. I was going to be sick.

instead of

Suddenly, the boy kneed me in the stomach, winding me and leaving me gasping for breath. Every part of my body was shaking as the boy shoved me against the wall again, this time, without me even trying to fight back. I just wanted to go home. It was dark, cold, and I felt like I was going to be sick.


That example above is just how I would edit to my own personal style, of course, but that's the gist of it. Short, simple sentences. Abruptness. Reflects action. Makes it seem hectic, scattered. Suddenly the reader doesn't know what's going to come next. Everything's so fast. Faster, faster, faster! Then, boom.

So, that's two things right there that deal with the writing itself. One removes the safety belt between the reader and the action. The other intensifies the action, making it seem like a wooden rollercoaster instead of a fancy-pants steel one.

My next comment is that Tori's reaction seemed... not quite panicked and scared enough to me. Her reaction to the attempted rape, I mean. Her reaction to Oliver getting stabbed was good, even if I'm sitting here trying to yell, "CALL AN AMBULANCE YOU DUMB GIRL, CAN'T YOU SEE HE NEEDS YOUR HELP!" complete with all-caps yelling.

But, she was almost raped! That's serious business. And, she was already on edge in the situation, and she was thrown around and fought against and I don't think her composure's so refined that she'd handle an experience like that so calmly. I'm very glad that you took the story's realism to rape, that you went to that topic. But now that you went there, you have to bring it back to the reader. All of that emotional recoil, possibly made worse by the fact that it didn't happen. And the imagining of what could have happened, but didn't... that's got to be almost worst. To top it all off, for Tori I imagine that 'rape' isn't something she's ever had to think about in her entire life. It was obvious she wasn't thinking about it when she stepped into the bad side of town.

If you can make that sort of fear, and revulsion, and intensity, all that adrenaline, come off, combined with just the desperate comfort she finds with Oliver being there? Forgive the language, but damn. That's heavy stuff. That's stuff worth reading. That's incredible material.

And then, of course, you break up that perfect moment with Kenzie putting in his two cents about the mess, and that's awesome too, because suddenly you've got all that emotion in Tori, combined with her concern for Oliver... and again, heavy stuff, but awesome literature.

Now, if Tori really is so oblivious that she doesn't even know what the guy intended to do... all I can say is, "Wow." I almost laughed when I got to the line about him reaching for the zipper of his stained jeans, because who else would notice something like that in a situation like that but Tori? I don't know if that's what you intended or not, but the opportunity is most certainly there.

I'm rambling now... hm...

Oh, one other thing on the technical side. Eradicate passive voice as if it's everything you hate in life. Passive voice does have its place in fiction, and in any writing--but that place is not in an action scene. You want verbs in active voice that aren't forms of 'to be', 'to feel', 'to hear', 'to see', 'to notice.' And... I can't remember what else I wanted to say, so I guess I'll just sum up:

1. No more of 'to feel', 'to hear', 'to see', 'to notice.'!
2. No passive voice!
3. Short, clipped, abrupt, simple sentences! Possibly even fragments!
4. Go for it with Tori's reaction. Really go for. That's what takes the entire story to another notch.

And, with all that said, I think it's a good idea to remind you that a) I love this and that b) I heart this and that c) I want to read more real bad.

Oh, and that you can keep the bribes. :D

Per usual, let me know if you have any questions, comments, concerns, etc.! I be only a PM away.

Rach
I don't fangirl. I fandragon.

Have you thanked a teacher lately? You should. Their bladder control alone is legend.




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Because everyone has already critiqued this, I have to say one last thing.

I FREAKING LOVE THIS!

I started reading these chapters one at a time this morning, but was rudely interrupted by my mom who had to "go somewhere"! And the whole time we were out I kept thinking about what was going to happen next. So now I've read all of the chapters out so far, and I've been trying to wait patiently until the next one comes, for about five minutes... yeah, it's not working. I'm oober excited to read more, and after this, I don't really think you can just stop... Yepp, so that's it.

Thanks,

-iheartbooks♥

P.S. I'm following you! I know, stalker (he he he)
"As the hungry are deprived of food, I am deprived of sympathy for those who deprive me of my sanity." ~Anonymous




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Oh My Peanut Butter. That was amazing. :) The flow was good and you kept me excited but I think you put Oliver's name way to much in the dialogue. It's 2 am and I'm really sleepy but I saw this and had to review/praise you. Thank God you continued this.

So I don't understand why Oliver has this enormous cut in his stomach area. If "Kenzie" cut him, he wouldn't have been able to pull the creepy pale boy off Tori then stand the pain as she shook and wept into his chest. It just doesn't make sense. I like the "you can't go into my house" thing you've got going on. It's mysterious. So hmm, I really loved this chapter and I can't wait for more. :D


~Jas

P.S. Another thing, where did his shirt go? I think that taking off his shirt was unnecessary. :D
I am nothing
but a mouthful of 'sorry's, half-hearted
apologies that roll of my tongue, smoothquick, like 'r's
or maybe like pocket candy
that's just a bit too sweet.

~*~




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Heys Skins! I am here again, and needless to say, I am again late. Gone are the days when I used to respond immediately to people's requests and updates, and I think you know why. Right?
So here I go. Apparently, I had done a small kind of grammar review, but when my laptop froze, I lost it. That's why they say to save your work. :D So I don't think there was much anyways, so what about a general review?
“No.” I sniffed at him, leaning back against the balcony.
Don't you think 'sniffed' would be more appropriate when you're sniffing something or smelling someone? But I don't think it's either of the case. Maybe it's a way of saying things, which I am unaware of, probably. Or the other thing you can use can be 'spat'.

Every part of me froze as the move of his hand revealed a stain of warm blood on his stomach.
You've already said froze once somewhere and saying and using the same thing again here would look like a repetition. I know it's tough avoiding repetition, but you can definitely try and I am sure you'd succeed.

Well, I agree with Isha that you're a bucket full of talent. But I disagree with one thing she said, she's equally talented. Well, now I am frustrated. I get after Rachael comes and I don't have much to say.

This chapter was definitely a grill and it was well-written. As for the time where she is almost raped, I like how she is saved by Ollie and I feel the gentle him saving the heroine. It was splendid. Now I don't know much more adjectives so I don't know what to say. This was good but there's some problem wit your prepositions and adverbs for sure, as you yourself agreed to. So here's a short tip for the thing which I find in almost every chapter of yours.
Suddenly, his arm was forced in between the girl and I, followed by Oliver’s body.
When you're doing sentences like these, there's one thing you can take care of. Like if the second person hadn't been there, like the girl for example from this. So you would have written : Suddenly, his arm was forced between me and something...... So here you wrote me because that is appropriate, but then later on you add the girl. This avoids the confusion and you're able to find your way out. Then everytime for a sentence like this write it down with the first person and then add the third one, so it would be easier. I hope I didn't confuse you.


I don't have much to say so I would gently shut up before you plaster my mouth with a tape.
P.S. Sorry this review sucked.
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore




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Thank you all for the reviews :D

@Isha - I'm glad you enjoyed reading this. Isha -I must say that you have a heck of a lot more talent than I do. Skins - You lie, woman! Lying is a diseaaseeee. Basically, you're an awesome writer. :)

@Dreamy - Tori's supposed to be dressed way too fancy for where she is. I'm glad that you pointed out that you didn't know why she stuck out so much though. I'm going to have to go back to the previous chapter and mention what she's wearing, I think. Hopefully, it will make it more obvious why Tori does in fact stick out as much as she does.

@Rachael - Thanks for the advice and suggestions, Rachael. You always seem to point out things thta I don't notice at first, but when I look back, I realise what you're talking about. I've tried to edit this a bit so that I'm doing what you suggested. I wasn't really sure what to do where and how to do it, so it's still a bit dodgy, to be honest. I used the part that you edited and put it in this, if that's okay? I tried shortening a few sentences here and there. Hopefully, it's a bit better now. As for the passive voice thing... I'm working on it. :lol:

@iheartbooks - I'm really happy that you like the story. I've set up a page for this now, so you can check it out if you want. There's practically nothing on it... but, oh well. As for the stalker thing, don't worry. I'm a stalker myself!

@jasminebells - Kenzie actually stabbed Oliver after he pulled the boy off Tori. You know when he grabbed him and "punched" Oliver in the stomach? Kenzie actually had a knife in his hand, therefore, stabbing Oliver. If you read it over, you might understand. As for the shirt thing? Meh, I don't know why I did it... :P

@Shubhi - Thanks for being so dedicated to reviewing my stuff! I know that you've got a lot of work at the moment and I appreciate you making time to review my writing. Thanks a lot!
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Jai here, one of the Four Musketeers, reviewing as requested.

I stared in front of me, unsure of what to do. Oliver and I were standing side by side as the group of teenagers strutted closer towards us.

How did the teenagers manage to get up to that floor so fast? Also, why would they risk that?

“Who are you ‘en, babe?” She laughed in my face. “The Queen’s kid or somethin’?”

lol, perhaps you should explain what Victoria was wearing.

She clearly wasn’t well educated enough to realise that I was not, in fact, Princess Anne.

This is probably my most favourite line in the whole novel so far :P

Still with a firm grasp on me, the boy reached his hands down towards the zipper on his jeans.

Um, wow... sexual harassment/assault is a serious crime. I don't see a teenager doing this and getting away with it.

"Tor, what did he do to you?" Oliver asked, his eyes locked onto me.

What happened to the rest of the teenagers?

Just wow. Your story has suddenly picked up by miles. You definitely need to rewrite the beginning chapters. My expectations of the story have completely turned around, and I find that I am enjoying reading this now. But that's a problem. If I didn't like reading until chapter eight, perhaps that is the case with other people too. I kept on reading because you had requested so of me. But what about all those other people who don't have to read this through an obligation? They would give up after chapter two, and that's not what you want.

This is the best chapter yet! It was very well described, and the action was good. I think you have to work on the fight scenes though. They seem to happen in slow motion and don't sound exactly right. You were too busy explaining the actions when you could have just said, "Oliver punched Kenzie square in the face" as opposed to whatever it was that you wrote.

Onto the next chapter :)

- Jai, one of the Four Musketeers, one for all, and all for one!
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Hey, there sorry I took so long to review the rest. I've got assignments and stuff to deal with. *dies* So, it's me again. Azrael here reviewing for the Four Musketeers. :D Let's get down to it.

I’d always hated hospitals. The bland colours, the hushed voices, the hard, plastic waiting room chairs and the people with blank faces. What I hated the most was the smell. It made my stomach turn. The smell was like a mix of bleach and disinfectant. The smell wafted into my nostrils and I let any air that I needed enter through my mouth, but not even that could block out the heinous smell around me.


Beautiful! I feel as if this was written by someone completely else. You have definitely gotten better! :D

While I was had been sitting on the cold balcony floor, I had continued shaking Oliver, begging for him to wake up. Nothing worked though. His eyes simply had remained shut. The air around me was had been so cold, it felt as though it was were burning my skin.


Seeing as she's thinking back on this, I would advise you put in the extra "hads" (and stuff) I've mentioned.

Shutting my eyes, I felt them watering up.


Possibly this sentence should be reversed, "I felt my eyes watering up and I closed them."

“Vicotria?”


Typo. :P

What if Oliver wasn’t okay? What if I’d spent too much time pointlessley crying on the floor instead of calling for help?


Typo. :P

A small tear slowly ran down my cheek.


I believe an "I felt" would be more appropriate at the start of this sentence. Seeing as she can't actually see the tear...

I couldn’t believe that I was admitting it, but I actually cared about Oliver.


Woah, was that a bolt out of the blue! I don't know what to say... just that this is a little too early/unexpected for her to be "caring" about him.

My lips curved upwards slightly as my eyes turned to Oliver who, unsurprisingly, had his hand in a bowl full of round, white mints.


Cute. :D


Overall:
This was your best chapter yet. However, Victoria is acting a little weirdly. I know at this point in the story she is starting to realise she's actually a total brat, but still it came a little to fast. Like instead of little droplets you just switched the tap on full blast. :D No Oliver in this chapter made me sad, but oh well. You've got me interested into the mystery that is Ella and all that jazz. Make sure you run a spelling check before you submit and you should be fine with all the nitpicks I saw. :D

Have A Nice Day,
Azrael.
Dynamic Duo AWAY!!!

A computer once beat me at chess. It was no match for me at kick boxing.

"I wish Homer was my father," - Ned's son.
"And I wish you didn't have Satan's curly red hair," - Ned Flanders.




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Bonjour, Skins! C'est moi, Pink ;)
Allez!
His eyes simply remained shut. The air around me was so cold, it felt as though it was burning my skin.

Cold air cannot burn your skin, although I think I understand the concept that you're going for. Hmm, something like frostbite maybe? I'm not so sure...ugh.
They gave up on me eventually, telling me that they’d be back in an hour or so.

Why would they give up on her? This is quite serious, I mean shouldn't they get someone to help in these types of cases? But then again, you need drama and she can't be smothered with this little things right now. So I guess you're just trying to shoo them, right? XD
They gave up on me eventually, telling me that they’d be back in an hour or so.

lol, I think it's impossible for girls not to think about anything. I've tried and I can't, I always end up thinking about how I'm not thinking about nothing and then I tell myself I'm still thinking and then..well you get the point XD

Also by this point, where are her parents? I mean, she is Victoria, right? The police must have contacted her parents right now so I keep waiting for her dad to burst in with a red angry face.
“Are you okay to go in now? I’ve just been called to theater(?), so I need to be off.” He said.

Comma instead of period. I'm sure you know this by now but just haven't gotten around to actually editing the chapter. I know how that can be ;)

Overall, this was a sweet chapter. It brought out Victoria's emotions towards Oliver and I'm glad that they were still simple, not yet, like, "Oh my gawd, you saved my life! Now I freaking love you! :D"
Ugh...
Anyways, not much happened in this part, kind of slow paced and draggy, in all honesty. But it can't all be fun and games, right? haha :D
Since I have nothing to really point out in this part, I'm going to go straight to the next part and hopefully my review won't be as terrible as this one. This one was really bad...argh XD
See you,

~Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
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Haha, you are getting more and more 'likes', have you realised that?

I have -once again- nothing to add. My arms and fingers are praying for release but I refuse to give in.

Must....continue....Only....two...chapters...left. *gasps*

On to the next!
Tanya



Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood.
— George Orwell, 1984