Purple - Chapter 2, Part 4

-deleted-

Hey!First, I want to say I really like the story you are telling, I'm curious of what's going to happen next! Now, on to the review

Some things I noticed:

People in jazz band were slowly starting to trickle into the band room wearing their nice clothes, when I spotted Archer.

Don't separate these two with a period, put them together so it's less choppier.

I tried to pass it off like “oh, I’m sitting by Archer, no big deal” even though inner Cora was screaming and jumping up and down(even though/ but...), this bus ride was going to be ten minutes tops. Really, it shouldn't be that big of a deal that he was sitting by me

Your jumping from 'she's excited' to 'it's not that big of a deal', I've made some suggestions to keep the 'excited mood' vs 'what really should be' in green.

They have very similar personality wise so they get into a lot of heated disagreements.

They "are" not personalities, they have personalities.

The second jazz band began to warm up on stage.

This should be past tense, like everything else.

“We just need some time apart until we can go see our family therapist in, like, a week. She gave me a key to the house in case I needed anything and told me she loved me and stuff.”

Same here

Right now, I think he thinks I’m a nice person and I think we’re friends. Which I think is good. I’m glad he thinks I’m nice and I’m glad that we’re friends.

Too much 'think's'?

The second jazz band’s performance went well

Third time you say 'second jazz band'... is it the same all this time? If so, I don't think you need to say it, you can probably just say 'the performance went well'.

Archer was texting me.
“How’s Miyah doing?”
“I’m not really sure. She’s at her house right now talking with her parents. I’m waiting in the car.”
“Probably a good call.”
“Yeah.”
“So is she staying with you?”
“If things with her parents don’t get worked out right now, yes.”
“That’s really kind of you. You’re a good friend.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”

Here, Archer's texting her but it looks just like a conversation. Maybe try to write it in different font or something between the texts so we understand that she is texting and so we don't think he magically appeared beside her, in the car.

Now, overall, I think you need to air out your paragraphs. This whole chapter is 3 paragraph with no spaces between the dialogue and all that. It makes it a bit harder for us, your readers to read. Try to double space it, please so it makes it more easy for us to read Also, I just wanted to point out that it was very rushed.
I've piked out parts and added some examples or recommendations like here:
red are the sentences that jumped too much when I first read it
green are suggestions or examples on how you can elaborate and add more descriptions

“Thank you,” she said. The tears were flowing pretty freely now.
“Not a problem. That’s what friends are for.”

I smiled sadly and turned around,Someone showed up from the college so we were finally allowed to move our stuff inside. Once inside, after everything had been lugged to our waiting room by the guys and we could get warmed, I turned back to Miyah, a question on my lips.
“Do you want me to keep this quiet or do you want me to help you tell people?” I asked
“I think I want to keep it quiet for now. I’ll tell people eventually.” She answered, looking nervously around her.
“Alright. I’m here if you want me to help you.”
I understood how a situation like this could be hard for her. I certainly wouldn't want everyone to know I was technically homeless.
“Thank you, Cora.”
We put all of our stuff in a room and relaxed as the second jazz band got ready to play.

That's just an example of what you can do.
You're switching subjects really fast without any explanations really and staying in the same paragraph. It's a bit confusing to read. Try to put a bit more descriptions and emotions into your writing to make it flow more, it'll make it go slower and we will be able to see exactly what is happening.

This has a lot of potential. The story is great and very suspenseful, which keeps us hooked I want to read more! It's really good.
Keep writing more! You can PM me if you have any questions

-Truth-

Hey Carlito,

TheTruthLiesWithin pretty much covered the grammar errors of the story so here's my response. The story is coming out
very nicely. There is a lot of suspense and character development between Cora and Archer. A couple things I wanted to point out was that you need more emotion in your story. You need to show not tell and give more depth to the characters. Instead of saying I really like say something like my heart was beating for him and the picture of his face was constantly in my mind. Also when they are texting each other you don't have to have their texts as full words. When I read them texting I really can't imagine them spelling out Thank You and Your Welcome because these days people are constantly shortening words when they text. For example Thank You could be Thanks, or Thx or You're a Good Friend could be ur a good friend. Lastly I wanted to say that Miyah being kicked out of her house could be pretty realistic but her going back to her house and her mom saying she loves her and giving her a key isn't really realistic. If her mom is giving her a key and telling her she loves her then I don't think she would still be kicking Miyah out of the house. Overall this was a great story and it definitely made me want to know what was going to happen next.

-lilgreendots

Hey Carly! Pink here

So, I've noticed that you're still making some mistakes regarding punctuation. I meant to mention it before and I think I did in one of the early chapters but you're still committing the same crime! I will send you to jail. Haha.
But it's a simple one, actually. Most of your story is dialogue so I want you to be able to really let the words shine out and with that, comes proper punctuation.

“That would be so awesome! I’m going to do that! I can put them all in my room and people will be so impressed that I have all of these big trophies.” He grinned.

See the period you put there? It's supposed to be a comma. Well, technically, it can be a period but then the quote is separate from the action.
"Follow me to the store," she said. ->This tells us that the quote is being said and it flows. Compare this to:
"Follow me to the store." She said. ->The 'she said' part becomes independent but makes no sense because it's not connected to anything. I'm not the greatest teacher in the world so I'll give you this link instead. Whenever you have time, I suggest you go and take a look, as well as applying that to your writing. Don't worry, this site is pretty basic...
Link: http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/quotes.asp
Also, I know this is your preferred style of writing and I have nothing against it, but I do advise you to start using some new, fresh vocabulary. Give us some more description so you story come to life. Other than that, I'm still liking the slow growth between Archer and Cora. Hopefully everything goes well. Pm me if you need anything!

~Pink