HeartBeat

Deep, deep, deep inside,
I feel a beat I try to hide.
It takes over me.

Catch me a white dove,
one glance and I fell in love.
Haunted I will be.

The sun is bright,
the moon is full.
My heart is longing,
to feel your pull.

A tiny thud,
A lifeless beat.
Counting to when,
it falls asleep.

Weak, it calls out.
Shallow, it cries.
I look into,
his brilliant blue eyes.

Can you hear it?
That sound so weak?
Can you hear
that lifeless beat?

In my effort to be better at reviewing poetry, here I am! Don't you feel so loved?

LukanRinta wrote:Deep, deep, deep inside,
I feel a beat I try to hide.
It takes over me.

Catch me a white dove, The rhythm of this feels off. I'd add a syllable to this, maybe add "pleacse" to the beginning, unless you don't think it works with your poem. But it needs another syllable, otherwise the following line comes out awkwardly.
one glance and I fell in love.
Haunted I will be.

The sun is bright,
the moon is full.
My heart is longing, This has an awkward rhythm. I'd change "is longing" to "longs." I think it will sound better, though this is just my opinion.
to feel your pull.

A tiny thud,
A lifeless beat.
Counting to when, This has too many syllables. It's hard to read, and breaks the flow. I'd change "to when" to "till" or some other one syllable word.
it falls asleep.

Weak, it calls out.
Shallow, it cries. <- I like these lines.
I look into,
his blue-green eyes.

Can you hear it?
That sound so weak?
Can you hear
that lifeless beat? You may be going for an effect, but repeating "lifeless beat" seems a bit tedious, at least to me. This could just be me, though.

Overall, I really like this. I'm not really that good at poetry, but I hope that this review has helped, if nothing else, to show you never to take poetry advice from me.

loveness, ultraviolet <3

This was a nice piece, but I think it could be improved in several ways: the rhythm was a bit off in the first half of the piece, as the last reviewer pointed out. I would also try to change your word choice to make it a bit more interesting (not meaning that the piece wasn't interesting, but that the words could be more varied). It would allow a larger depth in your piece. It might also be helpful to try incorporating some more imagery into your piece. It allows the reader to visualize what's going on, and join the writing on a deeper level, as they experience the emotions you talk about. These are, of course, my simple opinions.. one person, who isn't the writer of this piece.

Overall, nice piece.


-Coral-

Hi LukanRinta, I liked your poem! It was very heart filled and packed with emotion but it that made it even better. It is a good length for a poem. Not too long but maybe slightly so short.
Otherwise it was very good!! There are really no flaws that someone else did not pick out already.
Thanx,
watchmeburn

Let me first say that poetry in its most basic definiton is any writing that evokes a deep emotional response within the reader, and as far as that is concerned, you have done quite well. I was very impressed in how you got the reader interested in the very first stanza, which is a difficult feat at best in terms of poetry. Wording is above average, no doubt, but still work on it and perfect it.
The most prominent problem I saw was lack of a preconventionalized meter system. Now, this is an art that few can even understand, but I can tell you have a handle on it. Just watch your syllable count and keep track of your accents and unaccents so that it flows more naturally. Also, try using longer stanzas, as anything under a quatrain is usually awkward to read. With your rhyme scheme, I would suggest trying sonnets or ottava rima.
In all, your poetry is amazing and fun to read. Just work on your rhythm scheme and stanza length and you should be fine.