The Tears I Couldn't Shed

I know it's not that great, but I thought I had to post it.

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You asked me why I never cried,
when I saw her lying there.
You thought that I was so cruel
to not have cared at all.
But I will always care.
more than you know.

You asked me why I was closed inside,
but it was because I'd opened too far.
You would never understand,
how much it burns inside.
For each tear that I didn't cry,
just burnt me even more.

I didn't cry at all for her,
because I was out of tears.
It made it's mark inside of me,
because of the the tears I couldn't shed.

Hello,
You provided an interesting perspective and I found it very captivating. The only thing I didn't really understand was the line:

But I care but I will always care.

as it didn't make much sense or flow properly. Overall it was a pretty good.

-Yours sincerely, Blossom



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Well hello there, my name is Flower, and I will be your reviewer for the evening. Before I begin I just want to let you know that I really like the perspective that you've given. I understand where you are coming from, and what you mean exactly. That is a very hard concept to achieve in a poem, but you have.

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You asked me why I never cried,
when I saw her lying there. I think I would describe more of what you saw after this line. I think it would add to the poem.
You thought that I was so cruel I think I would omit the word "so" here, it doesn't add to the poem.
to not have cared at all. Because I didn't care, would sound better here.
But I will always care. But I have always cared and always will, would sound better here, to me that is.
more than you know.

You asked me why I was closed inside, I would describe the closed thing more. I would tell why you are closed, but in a mental to yourself way.
but it was because I'd opened too far.
You would never understand, You change tenses several times during this poem. I think you should stick with present/future tense.
how much it burns inside. The next three lines don't flow very well. I would suggest revising them.
For each tear that I didn't cry,
just burnt me even more.

I didn't cry at all for her,
because I was out of tears.
It made it's mark inside of me, These two lines don't really flow well. It is also an awkward ending. I think it could be easily fixed with a couple of word revisions, but it's up to you.

Other than those things this was a beautiful poem. I understand what you were getting at. The only other comment I have is that you didn't really tell us a story. You didn't tell us what happened to this "her" you speak of. You also didn't tell us why you and the girl were so close. I guess you are suggesting that she died, but you don't really say. Do you see what I mean? Tell more of a story and this will be perfect.

Best of luck, and if you need anything feel free to pm me.

-Flower-
because of the the tears I couldn't shed.[/quote]

Its a good poem but I do agree with Flower~Child with some of the lines of the poem. I felt this two lines flowed nicely:
For each tear that I didn't cry,
just burnt me even more.

I really liked them.

Hello, so, I like the theme. The poem isn't that bad but there are some things you should work on...

You asked me why I never cried,
when I saw her lying there. << I like this, but I think you should elaborate on it more. Why is she lying there? Who is she to you? Somethink like that...
You thought that I was so cruel << I agree with flower, take out the 'so', and maybe change the word 'thought' to 'said'. I think it sounds better and makes the rhyme better...
to not have cared at all.
But I will always care. << This should be a comma, not a period...
more than you know.

You asked me why I was closed inside, << You should tell more about this, maybe add a metophor having to do with being closed up...
but it was because I'd opened too far.<< Here I don't get, what were you opening up to far for?
<<You would never understand,
how much it burns inside.
For each tear that I didn't cry, << 'for' would sound better as 'because', and 'that' can be removed...
just burnt me even more.>> I really like this part

I didn't cry at all for her, << I don't know, maybe adding a line after this like " While she__________ " what it is that she was going through to make you want to cry...
because I was out of tears.<< Why were you all out of tears? What made you cry them all away?
It made it's mark inside of me, << Maybe get ride of 'of'
because of the the tears I couldn't shed.<< This line is too long, shorten it up a bit and this last stanza would flow better...

Sorry for all the red, overall, I liked the poem and think that if you edit it and add on some things it can be a very great poem!

Hope this helps,

~Rain~

My first impression of the poem was good. I know this poem has a greater meaning to it than just the words you've displayed and because I know its meaning, when I read I have a greater depth of understanding for it. But, I think you should keep the poem in past tense - not present like some people are saying. The poem feels very much like a personal reflection, you looking back on a past event, it should all be written in past tense.
I agree with flower~child's edits at line 5 of the poem:
But I will always care. But I have always cared and always will, would sound better here, to me that is.

- it sounds better and is a bit more expressive. Even though it is somewhat a dark poem, make it just that bit more expressive so people understand the greater depth to it. People have asked you to describe her, but I think this poem focuses more on you and your feelings because its a reflection of the event and how you felt then. I also agree with flower~child that the story could have a smoother ending, it gets a bit awkward towards the end. This is a poem that should have a nice soft ending, that'll make people think after they've read it.

Other than all that, I really thought it was good. I still feel there is some depth to the poem - a greater meaning that needs to be released. I feel that'll it will turn out to be a great poem. Best wishes!

Wow. This is awesome.
It can be applied to so many things that people go through, so it's universally applied.

"You asked me why I was closed inside,
but it was because I'd opened too far."

Just amazing. All I can say.
(:

Hi kingolions, I thought this great! Its very deep and powerful which makes a good poem.

"You asked me why I was closed inside, but it was because I'd opened too far. You would never understand, how much it burns inside."- This is my favorite part of the poem. It really means something. Maybe expand on this point to make it even better!

While this poem is very good I don't think it is your best work. I can't put my finger on but there is just something about it that does not make it as good as your others. Having said that it is still at a very high standard.
Keep up the great poems!!

Thanx,
watchmeburn