love

Playfully we smiled,
and flirted to our hearts content.
We pranced around in circles,
twisted and bent

We were so close,
We had lots of fun,
But now I cant hear you,
I think we might be done.

As I come up behind you,
you don't even stir.
But I will always love you,
now and ever more.

Hello there, Flower here, and I will be your reviewer for the evening! Welcome to YWS by the way. I hope that you are finding everything ok. If not them just send me a message and I will try and help you. Anyway onto the review.

cherbear567 wrote:Playfully we smiled,
and flirted to our hearts content. It would be really nice if you added some description to your poem. It seems bland without it, and the reader looses attention.
But now I cant hear you, Use some colorful vocabulary. Catch my attention and don't let it go.
and now you are silent. You are pretty much saying what you said in the line before. Repetition is good if you use it right, but this is to soon after saying it the first time. I would suggest just taking out this line.

As I come up behind you, You jumped subjects here. I don't know what you are talking about anymore. I think you should give more background behind what happened. Why does he not stir, why doesn't he pay attention. You have to answer these questions for the reader, or they won't understand.
you don't even stir.
But i will always love you, Capitalize your I's. I know this seems simple, but it is very distracting if you don't.
now and ever more.

I think this is awkward how you ended it. You just stop, and at the end of the poem you havn't really told us anything.

All in all I think this needs a bit of work. I think that you should make this longer, and add more detail. We don't really know what happened throughout the poem. It just kind of jumps around. Use colorful adjectives, and stuff like that, and you will be on the path to success.

I hope I helped, let me know if you need anything.

-Flower-

What a cute poem ^-^. Great style, great rhythm, great rhyming, Obviously Flower over there has never been in love before, teehee ^-^. This poem was styled very similarly to how I do my poems! And it was also the perfect length; just long enough to get your point across without dragging on.

Keep writing!
~RO

romance otaku wrote:What a cute poem ^-^. Great style, great rhythm, great rhyming, Obviously Flower over there has never been in love before, teehee ^-^. This poem was styled very similarly to how I do my poems! And it was also the perfect length; just long enough to get your point across without dragging on.

Keep writing!
~RO

thank you so so much!

Well, I like what has been write, but this just doesn't tell enough. You state that there was a relasionship, but thats it. You don't really tell about the relationship. You tell that you broke up, but not why. Like I said, I like what has been written,

As I come up behind you,
you don't even stir.
But I will always love you,
now and ever more.

This is really sweet and a good endinf to the poem, I think that if you added some more body to the poem, tell more, but some imagry in it, some similies and metophirs it would be good. Writing is about going all out and making something beautiful! This can be great with some work...

Oh, and

Playfully we smiled,
and flirted to our hearts content.
We pranced around in circles,
twisted and bent <<Here you might want to add something else or change this, I had troble reading this and it kinda mess up the flow...

Keep write!!

~Rain~