[September Contest] de profundis

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Your story is about a doctor at the bottom of the ocean forgetting names.


When the skies fell down the waters opened their arms to you, and so you went: into the deep and into the dark, where fish shone pallid and ethereal and men shuffled silent and skittish, and when you forgot how wind felt brushing over your face you told yourself it wasn’t so bad, because you were still alive.

Not everyone had been that lucky. They were your people, and you could not turn them away, not with the oath still fresh on your lips and heavy on your heart, but—you saw skin charred black and peeling back and eyes melting out of bloody sockets, voices broken and hoarse yet still rising over the shore as the stars blinked away and the sun seared the ground and made pyres of the last ships, the ones that left at dawn and were caught mid-dive, crumpling like sparrows shot in flight.

You saw that, as well, and the image burned like a brand in your sleep that night, and all those that came after. So you counted your blessings and went home to your wife, watched her sleep in the soft glow of bioluminescent algae and hatchetfish and loved her in that quiet, desperate way of yours; you touched her hair, her skin, enumerated scapula, clavicle, sternum, until you knew only her and could forget about the rest of the world.

The day she died you went out into the black waters and let her ashes rise to the surface, and that was when you realized you could not remember how the sun used to look like. You remembered the flashes and the fires but not the laughter or the lazy summer afternoons—knew only the cold neon lights and the fish, still the fish languid and careless through the thick windows. You missed her.

And yet time went on without her, and faces blurred into one another and the lights grew dimmer still, until you were all going bump in the night and talking to yourselves just to hear the echoes of your voices resounding against metal and space in empty attempts to fend off the solitude and the silence. Through your hands passed children with eyes too blue to see and skin so light they burned like rice paper every time the sun flared up and snaked its tentacles of light into your hidden homes under the sea. The few that still responded to visual stimuli were quiet little things that never spoke, though sometimes when the fish danced by they laughed, a sound that rattled and grated but was still better than the grave silence that settled the rest of the time, and that disappeared the moment the last luminescent dot faded away.

When the walls finally snapped and yielded to the ocean’s whispering tides, you were not so afraid as resigned. And yet you reached out for the things that were still precious—you thought of your wife, of the green that was all you remembered of the surface—and you discovered then that you had lost her name to the silence, and that with it had gone the names you had set aside, like so many precious little things, for the boys you could have had—blind perhaps, and silent, yes, but that still would have been yours, to touch and whisper and hide away.

With the last lights out and the waters rising black and loud around you you still could not find your love’s name, and those might have been tears once upon a time, but you could not be sure now: the fish stole them too.
Last edited by Jagged on Mon Sep 20, 2010 12:52 am, edited 6 times in total.
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Wow, what a deep story. You did a tremendous job managing to write about a doctor living under the sea and forgetting names. Many people would have taken the easy way out; a mermaid or intelligent sea creature, but you went all the way. From what I gathered (though I'm sure other people will perceive it differently), the sun turned on earth in such a way that required humans to live under the surface of the water. And slowly the children born to in this new lifestyle became blind. And after the death of his wife, he slowly started to forget the names of the things above the water, and that of his wife.

It was an absolutely chilling and fantastic story. I noticed little to no mistakes.

When the skies fell down, the waters opened their arms to you, and so you went: into the deep and into the dark, where fish shone pallid and ethereal and men shuffled silent and skittish, and when you forgot how the wind felt brushing over your face you told yourself it wasn’t so bad, because you were still alive.

I feel as if the first sentence and paragraph is a tad too long, but I don't see anyway you can shorten it without impacting on the beautiful image you've created.

So you counted your blessings and went home to your wife, watched her sleep in the soft glow of bioluminescent algae and hatchetfish and loved her in that quiet, desperate way of yours; you touched her hair, her skin, enumerated scapula, clavicle, sternum, until you knew only her and could forget about the rest of the world.

I love how you've included the name of the bones here, it really ties the doctor side of the character into the story.

You remembered the flashes and the fires but not the laughter or the lazy summer afternoons—knew only the cold neon lights and the fish, still the fish languid and careless through the thick windows. You missed her.

I feel as if you should add something like, "You missed that life." At the end. But that's not necessary.

Through your hands passed children with eyes too blue to see and skin so light they burnt like rice paper every time the sun flared up and snaked its tentacles of light into your hidden homes under the sea, and the few that still responded to visual stimuli were quiet little things that never speak.

This sentence is a tad too long, and the meaning is lost halfway through. I think it would read smoother if broken up into two or more sentences.

Sometimes when the fish dances danced by they laughed, a sound that rattled and grated but was still better than the grave silence that settled the rest of the time, and disappeared the moment the last luminescent dot faded away.


When the walls finally snapped and yielded to the ocean’s whispering tides, you were not so afraid as resigned. Still, you reached out for the things that were still precious

Careful of repetition.

With the last lights out and the waters rising black and loud around you you still could not find your love’s name, and those might have been tears once upon a time, but you could not be sure now: the fish stole them too.

I don't know why "the fish stole them too" sounds wrong, but it does. I feel as if you should say something like, "nature had won again." As the sun forced them down there, and then the waters forced them back up.

All in all this is a tremendously well written story. Every single time I read back over this I am struck by something else I have previously missed that enhances the entire story a little bit more. Absolutely loved it, and I hope you win/get some sort of consolation prize, as this is such a good story to read. A little hard to understand and intimidating to approach, for sure, but once that apprehension is overcome, awe quickly replaces it.

Great story! Keep on writing :)

- Jai
I have an approximate knowledge of many things.




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What is it with the story generator and doctors (or some otherwise highfalutin technical occupation)?

Anyway. Spectacular.

First paragraph: beautiful. It sets the mood instantly. The tone is so forlorn and so spiritless.

Not everyone had been that lucky. You were a doctor then—you saw skin charred black and peeling back and eyes melting out of bloody sockets, voices broken and hoarse yet still rising over the shore as the stars blinked away and the sun seared the ground and made pyres of the last ships, the ones that left at dawn and that were caught mid-dive and crumpled like sparrows shot in flight.

I think you come out a little too blatant with the doctor part. Everything else is languid and chilling like a blind man telling such horrors, but the "you were a doctor" just screams exposition. Perhaps it could be woven in more subtly in a manner that describes the way you could not help them, couldn't do your duty, couldn't bear to touch these fleshless corpses despite the years and sleepless nights you'd already given.

the few that still responded to visual stimuli were quiet little things that never speak.

Mixing of tenses. They still responded...were things that never speak. (past past present)

Sometimes when the fish dances by they laughed,

More present tense in the midst of past tense. I imagine I missed a few, so you might wanna double check.

you discovered then that you had lost her name to the silence, and that with it had gone the names you had set aside, like so many precious little things, for the boys you could have had

Love it. Love it.

Great ending. I love the visual you get with it. You've got my vote so far.




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Fixed flow in the longer sentences and tenses, and made the 'being a doctor' less in-your-face obvious.
Thank you both for the reviews!
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Gorgeous.

I love the way you clued us in on the fact that he is a doctor. The imagery is wonderful. Your use of second person is genius. Most people would botch it and you managed to make it work the way it was intended to work. I feel like I'm there, like I'm experiencing living underwater.

The idea that the fish are mean-spirited entertains me xD

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