"Emily" (Dickinson)

So, I wrote a poem last year, lemme guys know what you think.

(and yeah, one thing...I put melody to it...so, yeah...you can listen to it while reading. )
HEre's the link to youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WPapmaxn5R0 )

Hope you like it. )
====================

Oh, Emily
In your reclusive way of life
Did anyone see?
The woman behind your seclusive smile
Oh, Emily
You had peace in your isolated world
And sanity
Though your loneliness depth was untold



Would he have been caught off guard?
To know you gave him your precious heart?



Oh, Emily
Were four moments enough?
To make you feel
A score of years of purest love
Oh, Emily
You said you envied the seas he rode on
Well, that's Emily Dickinson



Oh, Emily
A simple life within a shell
Serenity
And tranquil days have been never felled
Oh, Emily
Your pen had been your solitary company
Solemnity touched your intrinsic profundity



He never knew the intensity
Of your concealed fidelity



Oh, Emily
Were four moments enough?
To make you feel
A score of years of purest love
Oh, Emily
You said you envied the seas he rode on
Well, that's Emily Dickinson



You believed he was still out there
Somewhere in silence
You tended flowers
For his blessed absence



Oh, Emily...



Apparently,
Four moments were enough
To make you feel
A score of years of purest love
Oh, Emily
You said you envied the seas he rode on
Well, you're Emily Dickinson



Oh, Emily
You didn't have to feel that way
Destiny of love does need to wait
But you should have just forgotten the face he left amid your loneliness
And decked your heart with joy and gladness
Instead you envied the seas he rode on
Well that's just you, Emily Dickinson...



(c) 2009

First of all, I just want to say you have a Great voice and I loved the video of you playing it

Nit-picks:

jashbagabaldo wrote:In your reclusive way of life
...
The woman behind your seclusive smile

The rhyme of reclusive and seclusive bothers me. I think it's too rhymey. I think reclusive should stay because I know Emily Dickinson was a recluse but I think you could think of other words than "seclusive" that would still work and sound good.

jashbagabaldo wrote:And sanity
Though your loneliness depth was untold

I thought she was sort of insane because she was alone all the time. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know.
I like the second line even though I'm not completely sure what it's saying

jashbagabaldo wrote:Were four moments enough?

Is this significant in some way? Why four moments?

jashbagabaldo wrote:A score of years of purest love

I would try and rephrase this and get ride of one of the "of"s

jashbagabaldo wrote:Oh, Emily
You said you envied the seas he rode on
Well, that's Emily Dickinson

Who is he?
I don't really care for the last line. It just seems kind of unnecessary to me. We know you're talking about Emily Dickinson because of the repetition of "Oh Emily". I kind of feel like you didn't know what else to put there so you just threw that line in.

jashbagabaldo wrote:Solemnity touched your intrinsic profundity

Whoa! So many big words. Listeners may not understand what you're saying here.

jashbagabaldo wrote:You believed he was still out there
Somewhere in silence
You tended flowers
For his blessed absence

This stanza doesn't really make sense to me. Again, I don't know who "he" is. Is he dead? Is that why she's tending flowers for his absence?

jashbagabaldo wrote:But you should have just forgotten the face he left amid your loneliness

I feel like this should be two lines instead of one big long one. None of your other lines are this long.

Overall I thought it was pretty good. I've never heard a song about Emily Dickinson before. I didn't understand everything you said but that could be because I'm not super familiar with all the events in her life, but if you are, that's awesome. Make sure when you're writing lyrics that each word and each line has a purpose and you're not just putting them there for the sake of having words there, you know?
PM me if you have any questions or need anything!

-Carly

Carlito wrote:Overall I thought it was pretty good. I've never heard a song about Emily Dickinson before. I didn't understand everything you said but that could be because I'm not super familiar with all the events in her life, but if you are, that's awesome. Make sure when you're writing lyrics that each word and each line has a purpose and you're not just putting them there for the sake of having words there, you know?
PM me if you have any questions or need anything!

-Carly

Hello, Carly,

It is seldom known that Emily Dickinson loved a certain man for twenty years! (The man is a mystery though.)
And it's quite weird for Emily to love a man she saw for four times.
And yes, I made sure that none of the lines in the song is irrelevant.

BTW, thank you very much for posting a review. And thanks for the compliments.

Hey, I thought this was really well done. The melody you put to the words was really pretty and worked very well. The word choices were powerful and I think the repetition of Emily/Emily Dickinson was fine.