Blood- Red Moon

Blood- Red Moon

I’ve cut out my heart,
With you in its inside.
All your face, and my dreams, and your eyes and our fears
Went away, never will come back to me.

And I’ve cut in more deep-
The hole in my chest's increasing
And the moon has turned red, he laughed cruelly, when
My sun had died that very moment.

And I looked to the sky,
But I could see no stars
Blood- red moon, clouds so low,
My sun would never rise, this I knew now.

And I’ve buried my heart,
In the darkest hole, I could find.
No sound heard, between trees- they were older, than faith,
Shreds of my heart left was melting to silence.

So I’ve made myself go-
I thought I'm back on my Road.
But I’ve found it was black, curling downwards- I gasped:
"I must be heading straight into hell now!"

I’ve run back on the road,
To my heart, where I hoped,
I could still put it right, if I’d be there in time.
I rushed back, faster, than a lightning flash.

As I looked at the hole,
I have found Blood- Red Moon-
Kneeling there, soaking out each sweet drops, licked his mouth,
And he laughed as I fell: "Welcome to hell!"

One last look to the sky,
And I’ve seen falling stars
Blood- red moon, fading, when
Twilight came, back again.

I like this piece but it seemed kind of choppy to me. I'm not one to nit pick at grammar or punctuation but it's important in pieces like this. It makes the difference in a having a line sound meaningful or meaningless. Go through and read your work out loud, pausing at the commas and then read it how you want it to be read and every time you pause put a semi colon or a comma. It should help

XO Change

Hello.

As I was reading this, I kept having a very hard time following each line. The flow is very difficult to comprehend, mostly because you're using odd sentence patterns that don't flow off the tongue well. If you'll notice a lot of songs tend to have really flowing sentences, even a simplistic sentence structure, in order for the music to better come through with the lyrics.

I'd also take a good look at your punctuation. Punctuation in poetry and lyrics is important because of how much it can beam, as XChangeX pointed out. Right now, it feels like you're just putting in punctuation to show a pause or some music fluctuation. In the final lyrics, such notes should be removed.

If the poetry is meant to be punctuated that way, look at the punctuation you're using closely. Along with your sentence structure. A rough spot I noticed was "and I've cut in more deep'/the hole in my chest increasing/And the moon turning red, only laughed, seeing that;/While the sun had died that very moment."

This stanza has a few problems. The first being it makes no sense. The third line has no antecedent to connect it to (so we have no idea what "that" is referring to). Also, the punctuation doesn't seem to have all that much of a meaning to it, especially the apostrophe after "Deep" and the semicolon after "that." Technically, the semicolon should be a comma because "while" is a dependent word that would connect the two sentences anyway.

This article goes into more detail on why poetry should be punctuated properly. And this article is a guide to punctuation marks.

Hope this helps. PM me if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey

I agree with the others. I can see what you were trying to say, but the punctuation needs to be looked at some. In some ways this poem seems like it would be good as choppy (no pun intended), but the overall idea is hurt with the punctuation.

Ok, wow, I really hope I don't sound mean... So, first of, I found so many things wrong with this I didn't even finesh yet, I will read it as I go along and edit...

So here is what I have to say...

I’ve cut out my heart,
With you in its inside. "with you in its inside" is a horrid line, just saying, try "with you inside" its much better...
All your face, and my dreams, and your eyes and our fears << Take out "all" It doesn't make sence here and is unndeed...
It went away, and never will come back to me. << Just add those words to make the lines less akward...

And I’ve cut in more deep- << "more deep" used the way you did is incorrect... Try "I've cut in deeper"... and take out the "and at the beganning...
The hole in my chest's increasing<< I don't see how this leads into the line, your talking about the whole in you chest getting larger and then you go to how the moon is now red... I don't get it...
And the moon has turned red, he laughed cruelly,
when my sun had died that very moment.<< this is better...

And I looked to the sky, << Take out the "and"
But I could see no stars
Just the blood- red moon, and clouds so low;
My sun would never rise, this ,somehow, I knew now. Add some how to this to make it read better, it just doen't sound right the way it is now...

And I’ve buried my heart,
In the darkest hole, I could find. << Take out the comma, it doesn't go there...
No sound are heard, between trees- they were older, than faith, << This I dont get, I dont see how it relates to the poem...
The shreds of my heart left was melting to silence.

So I’ve made myself go Forward- << I think adding forward makes this sound better...
I thought "I'm back on my Road."
But I’ve found it was black, curling downwards- << I think you should just take this out... (What is in red)
I gasped: "I must be heading straight into hell now!"

I’ve run back on the road, Remove...
Back to my heart, where I hoped, << Remove both commas, they create a unnatrul pause...
I could still put it right, if I’d be there in time. << Remove that one also...
I rushed back, faster, than a lightning flash. I think that changing this to "strike would sound better here.

As I looked at the hole, << What hole? The one in your chect? I thought you were trying to get back to your heart???
I have found Blood- Red Moon- << Is Blood- Red Moon a person???
Kneeling there, soaking out each sweet drops, licked his mouth,
And he laughed as I fell: "Welcome to hell!" << I though you were running away and getting away from hell??

One last look to the sky,
And I’ve seen falling stars
Blood- red moon, fading, when
Twilight came, back again.

Ok, Im done... Theres still more I think can be fixed but I'm not sure how... I really don't mean to be mean, this can be a great poem with some work, read it aloud and ask yourself if this makes sence... To me, it doesn't... I may be missing the point in this so please, PM me if you have anything to comment about, if you do, please tell me what you were writing about, and if I helped you at all... If you do PM me I will try and help you with this is you would like...

~Rain~

Hello, Silent Rain!

First of all, I am no poet, and of course I know I have made mistakes, but I think there are some things that you may have misunderstood.
When you're suggesting taking out certain words, because they aren't so appropriate- well, it isn't just accidental how many syllables I was using- I was trying to make the verses smilier this way. Of course, doing so caused some strange lines this way, I know.
As for Blood- Red Moon, yes, he becomes a person the moment the girl or boy, who's telling us the story "cuts out" his heart- this is an old motive, from old stories, I think it's somewhat smilier to selling away your soul to the devil- which here is Blood- Red Moon, who, with the help of the wickedness of the girl's / boy's doing becomes stronger and stronger, and comes to earth, to finish up the Heart= soul.
As for the hole, it's not only in the girl's/ boy's chest, but later it's the hole - the " grave"- dug for the ripped- out heart in the darkest point of the forest, where the whole thing happens- so there must also be trees around.
Well, yeah, I know I still have a load of work with this one, but I hope I've made the story somewhat clearer.
And again, I am no poet, I've always preferred prose- writing, and this is really a song- where I think the lyrics are better explained by the music accompanying them.
But thanks a lot for your review!
xoxo: Lucy

Well, thatnks for telling me that, I think it did clear thing up a bit...

~Rain~