Ferris wheel

Fairground rides make broken hearts,
or so I have come to believe.
Toffee apples and candyfloss
and the smell of autumn in the breeze.

I sat by the entrance,
my converse beating against the brick.
The sky was flush with orange
and faint tunes caught in the wind.

I turned to see the Ferris wheel,
turning in its sleep.
I walked through the fairground,
breaking fallen leaves.

I find my way to Ferris wheel,
it's now wide awake.
I ride it to the top
and gently fall to sleep.

When I woke I wanted,
you to be there.
But you weren't.
I was just broken hearted
at the fair.

I like your poem.. it was easy to read and it was fun. Even though the last 5 lines were different from the others it still was a match. I could picture the story of your poem into my head which is a good thing, so very well written!

Hi Retrodisco666! I love this poem! The only things you really need to fix up are the technical mistakes.

retrodisco666 wrote:Fairground rides make broken hearts,
or so I have come to believe.
Toffee apples and candyfloss
and the smell of autumn in the breeze.

I think this is the best stanza in the whole poem. It is so beautiful, and falls off the tongue, too.

retrodisco666 wrote:I was sat by the entrance,
my converse beating against the brick.
The sky was flush with orange
and faint tunes caught in the wind.

You may wonder why I changed the first line here to, "I sat by the entrance," rather than, "I was sitting by the entrace." This is because "was sitting" is in the passive tense, and is generally something writers and poets try to avoid.

retrodisco666 wrote:I turned to see the Ferris wheel,
turning in it's its sleep.
I walked through the fairground,
breaking fallen leaves.

I changed "it's" to "its" because the word "it" is an exception to the rule about putting an apostrophe before the "s" in a possessive noun. It's because there are two of them: "its" possessive and "it's" as a contraction. For some unknown reason, we keep the apostrophe in the contraction and not in the possessive form. Go figure.

retrodisco666 wrote:When I wake I wanted,
you to be there.
But you weren't.
I was just broken hearted
at the fair.

You change tenses a lot in this poem. I've decided not to correct the first line for you, because I can't tell whether the poem was intended to be in the present tense or the past tense. Either is acceptable, but you must be consistent in your decision.

Remember, you don't even need to take my suggestions into consideration, so I hope I haven't been too hard. Keep writing, and this could be a really fantastic poem!

well done ;D I really like the imagery here. It made me feel like i was in a carnival.
My only advice would be to make the purpose or meaning behind the poem clearer. it's really nice, but I'm confused! Is it about missing someone, wanting to be with someone, or just something you simply wrote just to write ( which is understandable, I do it all the time ) ?

retrodisco666 wrote:






I turned to see the Ferris wheel,
turning in it's sleep.
I walked through the fair ground,
breaking fallen leaves.

I find my way to Ferris wheel,
it's now wide awake.
I ride it to the top
and gently fall to sleep.

these were both also very very nice (: but the word "sleep" is in both stanza's, and that's the first thing I seemed to notice. Maybe you could say,
" Turning in it's slumber" rather than sleep, so it will sound better.

welp. Nice job! I really loved this. Please keep writing, you are very talented.

beautiful job right here!

you always have the most amazing poems.

I really like this one.

keep me posted!

~ Adeera

Awww.... such a pretty poem... I loved it!!!

I really liked this poem, I didn't really expect that by reading the title.

Fairground rides make broken hearts,
or so I have come to believe.
Toffee apples and candyfloss
and the smell of autumn in the breeze.

I like this, it is a very good first stanza...

I turned to see the Ferris wheel,
turning in its sleep.
I walked through the fairground,
breaking fallen leaves.

This is one of my favorite stanzas...

I find my way to Ferris wheel,
it's now wide awake. << I think that you might consider changing this to "and now its wide awake" I don't know, I think it makes it sound better...
I ride it to the top
and gently fall to sleep.

When I woke I wanted << You really need to take out that comma, it messes up the flow and it causes an unneeded pause,,,
you to be there; but you weren't.
I was just broken hearted
at the fair.

Overall, I thought this was a very well written poem, it had a pretty good flow, and I liked the theme...

Hope this helps,

~Rain~