Elle (Chapter 11- Part 1)

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Hey everyone! I managed to type half of chapter 11 in my spare time, so I figured I should post it since I won't be posting much soon.(: Enjoy.


Chapter 11:

Everything that I have known. Gone. Nothing. My life taken by a single blade of a knife. How is that possible?

“The poison did too much damage. Especially to your Mark. There is a chance that you can still Move, but you will have to relearn everything,” Lyra babbled.

“There is a possibility that she will be able to Move again?” asks Trenton.

“Yes, there is.”

“I don’t have enough time to do that! It took years to get as far as I did! I can’t relearn everything in a few months!” My voice rises at every word from the panic that is ever growing. This is impossible! I can’t teach myself! Years of work, gone.

“You will have to-”

“I can’t, don’t you see? I will be unable to defeat the King. It’s nearly impossible to defeat him now!” Tears stream down my cheeks.

“ Elle, just calm down...” Lyra says soothingly.

“I can’t calm down! This is the end, I can’t do it.” My head falls back against the headboard.

“Elle, let me explain,” Lyra begs.

“Just listen to her, Elle.” Trenton’s voice breaks through to me, and I remember that he is sitting next to me. I try to control my breathing.

Lyra waits until I am fully calm, then says, “Since your mind and body remember the specific techniques of Moving, it will be easier to relearn. It will only take a few weeks to relearn one element.”

“I didn’t study fire,” I say, thinking more rational and collectively.

“It will be alright for now. There is no need to worry about that at the moment.” Lyra wipes away the last of
her tears.

Beside me, Trenton was gazing out a window, lost in thought. I look back at my life, all the techniques I practiced, each individual drill that my grandmother forced me to do. Can I do this alone?

“When can I begin?” I ask, my hands shaking from the mixture of emotions boiling up inside me, ranging from confusion, anger, and disbelief. Even if I didn't show it, inside I was doubting my own abilities.

“In a week or so. We have to wait for your Mark to heal.” Lyra sits on the end of my bed.

“What do you propose that I do in the mean time?” I question, adding frustration to the emotions.

How do they not realize that it is important for me to kill the King?

“Rest. Let your body recuperate.” Lyra brushes back some hair from her face.
"No, I can start now. I feel fine," I say. Sitting up awkwardly, I try to force my limp legs over the bed. Lyra is at my side in seconds, telling me to lay back down. I ignore her. I am fine. My feet on the cold wood, I attempt to stand upright. I grip on the bed for balance until I feel ready to stand on my own. Lyra has let me be. She knows that she couldn't stop me.

Feeling steady, I let go, ready for my knees to hold up my upper body. As if I were made of weak branches, my legs give out, my body is on the floor. My vision spun, blurring the room. Trenton rushes over, Lyra as well. They both held me up from my elbows, setting me back on my bed. I felt foolish. Weak. Vulnerable. Nothing. A horrible feeling.

Lyra checks my skin for any sign of bruises, taking extra time on my wrist. She sighed a relief, then told me to never try again, that I could damage my wrist further. I nodded.

"I will go get you something to eat. Help you gain more strength." Lyra exited the room.


“I can’t do this,” I whisper to myself, forgetting that Trenton was here. He managed to move to another stool along the wall, completely focused on his hands. I have to convince him he is not at fault.

“Are you alright, Trenton?” I ask cautiously.

His head shoots up to look me in the eyes, then says, “No. But I’ll survive.”

Trenton’s answer grabbed hold of my heart and began to choke it, my breath caught. Why is he acting like this?

“Trenton, please listen...” I beg.

“Just leave it be, Elle. Your only making it worse.” Trenton went back to his hands, forgetting about me.

Right then, I felt completely alone. Trenton’s hurtful answers skewered me in the heart. He was the only person I had left, now he was slowly going because he believed in something that was false.

A slight knock on the door announced Lyra’s arrival. In her hands was a wooden tray filled with bread, little purple berry-like things, raspberries, a orange colored fruit, and a green apple. She set the tray of fruit on the left side of my bed, making sure it wouldn’t tip over.

“Thank you,” I say.

Lyra nods her head and leaves again.

With my left hand, I take one of the purple fruit and plop it in my mouth. My teeth break the thin, but strong skin, reaching the juicy middle. Once I was done with the purple fruit, I had a slice of bread then some raspberries. No matter what I tried to think though, each thought led to my predicament and Trenton.

“Do you want some?” I ask Trenton, trying to sound cheerful.

Without a word, Trenton reaches over and picks up the orange fruit. He uses his finger nails to tear off the outer layer to reach a citrusy insides. Carefully, he picks out slices, popping them in his mouth.

We continue to eat in silence, my mouth filled with explosions of flavor. I wish that Trenton would at least talk to me. It's more painful for him to say nothing than for him to say hurtful things. My body ached for his voice, anything. Response to that was nothing. Just silence.

“Why are you angry at me?” I confront. I couldn’t take it.

Trenton looks up, disbelief filling his eyes. He says, “Elle, it doesn’t involve you, alright?”

“It does if you are angry at me.”

“No, it doesn’t. It's my problem, stop trying to fix it.” Trenton stands up sternly from his stool and walks out of the room.



Thanks for reading. I hope to post the rest of the chapter sometime soon.(:
Last edited by kr1117 on Sat Sep 25, 2010 12:19 am, edited 2 times in total.
Katie ^-^




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Hey there, my name is Cait and I have the pleasure to review your story. Overall I thought that it was very good and the story itself is very captivating. I think that it has come a long way from where you started on chapter one and now I feel like you are doing an excellent job at showing the emotions ofbyour main character.

I didn't see much having to do with grammar but I am not really that good at catching that kind of stuff so I will let someone else get that. :)

There is one part in particular that I feel you should change, though.

Without a word, Trenton reaches over and picks up and orange fruit. He uses his fingernails to tear off the the outer layer of the fruit to reach a citrus fruit. Carefully, he picks out slices of the fruit.


Here I think that you have written the word 'fruit' to many times. It throws off the whole flow to the sentence making it wordy. I think that if you just reword it or cut the sentence totally it would help you story.

Other than that there are probably only a few mistakes which you can probably get just by reading through it. I can't wait to find out more so shoot me a message when you post the next part.

-Cait




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Hey!

Yet another great chapter! There isn't much for me to say other than a few nitpicks of grammar. You seem to be doing a great job of following a believable plot, so I won't waste your time by going too much into that.

Grammar:
The poison did #FF0000 ">to much damage

Should be "too".
You will have #FF0000 ">too-”

Haha. Opposite problem. Should be "to" in the context I was reading it in.
“ Elle, just calm down...” Lyra #FF0000 ">coos.

This is more of a technical issue than grammatical. Babies coo. Doves coo. People coo at babies, and so forth. I don't think Lyra would be cooing at Elle when Elle is having a panic attack. She would probably either shriek or soothe, depending on what type of personality you were going for, but I think soothe would fit best with Lyra's personality. (Coo has now ceased to be a word to me now that I've typed it so many times. Haha!)
Beside#FF0000 ">s me, Trenton was gazing

Take off the 's'. It should be singular.
Until it is mentioned, I realize that I am famished.

This sentence is odd, and needs to be reworked. I get the idea you are trying to get across, but it doesn't work the way it is right now. Perhaps "Now that food was mentioned, I realized that I am famished" or something along those lines.

One last comment: I kept being distracted by your verb tenses. I don't know why, but since you are writing it in the present tense it just reads weird sometimes, and I have to stop and think about it. At the beginning you had Lyra babble something using the past tense "babbled" but then you switched to present tense with Trenton asking a question with "asks". So I'm just a tinsy bit confused as to which tense you want to use. Other than that, I think the chapter was great and it clarified the "not being able to Move again" comments that left us hanging in the last chapter. Yay for that!

Happy Writing!
Bailey
After all, it is the pen that gives power to the mythical sword.

"For an Assistant Pig-Keeper, I think you're quite remarkable." Eilonwy

"You also shall be Psyche."

"My only regret
all the Butterflies
that I have killed with my car" Martin Lanaux




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Hey Kaaaaaaaatie! haha

Well, two people have actually commented before me. Bailey caught the mistakes, same as I did. Not much happened in this chapter but it feels a little ...mechanical to me. She dreads, she cries, she's angry, she's hurt...She panicks for her Mark, then the King, then...Nothing. She's hungry. But for the most part, you are telling us this. Have us follow her thought pattern. Have her watch Trenton beneath her lashes.

Trenton bugs me right now. I don't know what's wrong with him. I can get him being upset but his reaction, I find, is a little exaggerated. Is it just because of his guilt that he's so curt to her?

That being said, this story is great, keeps getting better and I'm glad you were able to post a bit of it. Can't wait to read the next part!!

Tanya :D




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Thanks for the reviews! I will edit it soon when I manage to find time!(:
Katie ^-^



"Peace sells, but who's buying?"
— Megadeth