Happiness

(So, one note, I don't like the title of this poem. I couldn't think or anything else, so I just slapped this on, because it needed a title. If anyone has any other suggestions, feel free to say so. ^~^)

It would be like the coffee cake
he would make on a weekend morning,
or just like her fingers combing
your damp but drying hair.
It would resemble that afternoon nap
that you finally got to take.
The evening run that made you
feel awake and ready.
It would remind you of a
game of charades outside at night,
and the oreos that somehow had vanished
by the time the game had ended.
It would feel just like your body
sliding into a cold pool to out-swim the heat.
A fudge bar in your best friend’s bedroom,
while trying not to let it drip.
It would taste like a cherry icee
from the gas station you stopped at on the road,
or sound like a guitar strumming
a static-filled radio.
It would be like trying something new
and finding out you like it,
or getting sunshine in your eyes.
And it would be just like waking up
to the buzzing of the fan in your window sill,
while burning beneath the covers,
because it would be a lot of things.

Hibi, I liked this! I loved the common-voice it had; I could relate to most of what you said.

A few things, though:

or getting sunshine in your eyes.

This doesn't make me happy, lol...maybe re-word it, but make it still pertain to sunshine? I dunno'.

because it would be a lot of things.

I would get rid of the "Because". I don't feel like it's supposed to be there, plus, the voice this poem has would be more fitting if it wasn't there.

All in all, I liked it!


-Jon

Hey, I enjoyed this poem, It was really nice, short sweet and simple. if I were you I would try and spice it up a bit using some more adjectives and the like but apart from that I can't really add anymore because I wouldn't want to detract from the simple, feel good feeling of the poem.

but I would remove this libe, it just doesn't really seem to fit. "while trying not to let it drip"

I liked this... I kinda like the title. If it weren't for the title I would have no clue what this was about. Or I would have to guess... There are a few things I would like to point out though...

It would be like the coffee cake
he would make on a weekend morning,<< Maybe say who "he" is?? I got it to be a Dad??
or just like her fingers combingSame here, who is the "she", I got a Mom??
your damp but drying hair.

Other than that I like this part...

It would resemble that afternoon nap,
that you finally got to take.
The evening run that made you
feel awake and ready.<< Here I think it would sound better to switch "ready" and "awake" around, makes it sound better, but then it would rhyme, so maybe not...

I like this part a lot. mainly about the nap...

It would remind you of
agame of charades outside at night,
and the oreos that somehow had vanished
by the time the game had ended.<< Maybe here you should put "was fineshed" instead of " had ended"... I don't know, it just sounds off the way it is now...

It would feel just like your body
sliding into a cold pool to out-swim the heat.
Like a fudge bar in your best friend’s bedroom,
while trying not to let it drip.

I like this to, makes me think of times with my best freind!

It would taste like a cherry icee
from the gas station you stopped at on the road,
or sound like a guitar strumming
froma static-filled radio.<< A guitar can't strum a radio...

Agian, this makes me think of going to the gas staision to get slerpees:)

It would be like trying something new
and finding out you like it,
or getting sunshine in your eyes,
While playing at the beach. << I think you should add something like this here, because getting sun in your eyes really isn't that pleasent, but add something like you were at the beach, and it seems better...

And it would be just like waking up
to the buzzing of the fan in your window sill,
while burning beneath the covers,
it would be a lot of things.Take out "because, it messes up this great ending...

Overall, I loved this poem!! It is great and made me think about all these things that make me happy! The title is good, but if you want to change it, you could try "It Would be Happiness" or "It Would Feel Like Happiness" or maybe "The Feel of Happiness". And also, I think you should put it in stanzas of four lines in each stanza... It would make it easier to read...

Hope this helps, and I hope I didn't offend you by my review,

~Rain~