Death By Chess June 24, 2091 Part Four

I Can't Believe This Happened...

A man comes striding into the building, with a group of about six others following him.

"Oh, gentelman, who's this?" He asks Anotnio and Mark with a dark laugh.

"Says her name's Riley." Antonio tells the man. When he steps into the light, I can see he has tattoos running around his arms. He is muscular, and huge. Looking at the men behind him, I realized they all were. the man standing before me had a long scar running down his cheek, and another on his leg.

"Please, just let me leave." I beg, tears running down my cheeks. I just wanted to go home now. I didn't care if my parents grounded me forever, I just wanted to be anywhere but here.

"She's a northerner, American, it looks like. You can hear it in her voice. That, and she's pale as sheet." One of the six says.

"Screw the lot of 'em." Another adds with a few profanities tacked on the end.

"The Americans and their blasted government have put enough trouble our way. Kill 'er now, Jerro." Anotonio says, a bit cheer erupts from the onlooking group.

"You know, sometimes, I get feelin's about people." Jerro turns to the onlookers, "I don't think I should kill this one. She might be tougher than she looks."

Maybe I would live through this, maybe there was hope for me. Or maybe not. Jerro's hand slides towards his gun.

"I get to live?" I ask. The words feel weird, even in context.

"Welcome to the Foxes. If you last more than a week, more power to you." Jerro responds. I start shaking a little again.

First, to the nitpicks!

I Can't Believe This Happened...

A man comes striding into the building, with a group of about six others following him.

"Oh, gentelman,(gentleman) who's this?" He asks Anotnio and Mark with a dark laugh.

"Says her name's Riley." (comma instead of period) Antonio tells the man. When he steps into the light, I can see he has tattoos running around his arms. He is muscular, (maybe take out that comma?) and huge. Looking at the men behind him, I realized they all were.(capitalized T) the man standing before me had a long scar running down his cheek, and another on his leg.

"Please, just let me leave." (comma instead of period) I beg, tears running down my cheeks. I just wanted to go home now. I didn't care if my parents grounded me forever, I just wanted to be anywhere but here.

"She's a northerner, American, it looks like. You can hear it in her voice. That, and she's pale as sheet." (comma again) One of the six says.

"Screw the lot of 'em." (comma again) Another adds with a few profanities tacked on the end.

"The Americans and their blasted government have put enough trouble our way. Kill 'er now, Jerro." (comma again) Anotonio says, a bit cheer erupts from the onlooking group.

"You know, sometimes, I get feelin's about people." (comma again) Jerro turns to the onlookers, "I don't think I should kill this one. She might be tougher than she looks."

Maybe I would live through this, maybe there was hope for me. Or maybe not. Jerro's hand slides towards his gun.

"I get to live?" I ask. The words feel weird, even in context.

"Welcome to the Foxes. If you last more than a week, more power to you." (comma again) Jerro responds. I start shaking a little again.

I noticed you switched from present to past many times. For example some verbs were in the past (tacked) and some not (start) Overall, I thought this piece had caught my attention, but I would have liked to see more descriptive details about the characters and where they are so the reader can have a better image of what's going on. Good luck!

Hey! Once again, I loved this one but there are a few things that I figured out in this part.

"Oh, gentelman, who's this?" He asks Anotnio and Mark with a dark laugh.

Use "Gentlemen", it is plural and here are number of people standing here.

In this part, you just displayed that the Jerro let her live thinking that she can be of use to Foxes. But I think that it seems a little weird for a person like him to accept someone. And I don't thinks groups like Foxes, as you mentioned will accept a girl crying at them and especially when they are hatred of Americans.
Show some secret conversation between Jerro and his group and make them decide it for the Riley. And you should make a little change in her character too, as I told you above a girl who cries can't be a part of something like Foxes.

About the dialogs, they seem a lot better than in previous chapters and it seems that you are improving as you go.

Overall, I have to say that it was very much better than before.
Keep Writing.

-Chetan