Dead Man's Death Excerpt

I felt panic overwhelm me, yet I knew I was dreaming. Nevertheless my mind froze as it came towards me. Silent, hooded, the black cloaked figure approached with a glistening dagger, almost drifting across the ground. I couldn’t move, and soon I was pinned against the wall, watching in silent terror as the dagger traced almost lovingly along my face, up to my eye. A pale hand locked onto my throat, and all the time I was desperately trying to wake myself up from this absurd nightmare. My mouth opened, attempting to breathe, but I was surely choking. Wake up! I prayed as the shining blade drew closer to my left eye. WAKE UP! And the pain was insufferable, red flowing in great gushes down my face, filling my open mouth with the taste of one’s own blood, while slowly, the eye was being gouged out of its socket by a man who’s face-

With a sudden twitch I awoke. Frozen, lying awkwardly on the bed, I was staring blindly into the darkness. My heart was pounding, loud and clear, and I could feel the beat throbbing throughout my body. Relief flooded through me, immediately followed by annoyance. Was that pure panic I felt? Never in my life had I felt panic at such levels – at least, not in any life that I remember. A reminder to myself that I was, just like everyone else in this damned place, a human, no matter how much I would like to believe that I was different. I lay back down, staring at the ghostly ceiling. Once again I drifted off, wondering, as I did so, whether it was possible to die in your dreams.

~~~~~~~~~~

Hey guys, if you're reading this, you've either skipped down and read this first, read the whole excerpt ( ) or some other randomness. Just to say this is from a story I wrote that's really short and crap so I'm going to fix it up and hopefully it'll be better and post-without-dying-of-shame-able.
Oh yeah, and I wasn't sure what to rate it... so I did 12+...?

This was very short, and because of how short it was, I'm not sure what to make of it. Also, since this is just an excerpt, it's difficult to critique anything since we readers have no grounding provided by the rest of the story. How does this dream sequence relate to the rest of the story? How does the narrator know it's a dream? Is it a recurring dream? Was it supposed to be scary to read?

If it's a recurring dream, and this is the reason why the narrator knows its a dream in the first place, mention it. Since this is just an excerpt, you may have mentioned it earlier in the story, but it isn't mentioned here.

If the dream sequence was supposed to be scary, it wasn't for me. Personally, I found it quite predictable and lacking in important details. Why does the narrator find the dream scary? Describe to us just how scared the narrator is. Right now, the narration feels too detached and matter-of-fact, no hint of the panic or terror they felt. "Show, don't tell" is something that should almost always be applied to emotions; all you did was tell, and telling is nowhere near as effective as showing.

Nitpicks:

I felt panic overwhelm me, yet I knew I was dreaming. Nevertheless my mind froze as it came towards me.

These two sentences are a bit repetitive. I'd suggest combining them.

Silent, hooded, the black cloaked figure approached with a glistening dagger, almost drifting across the ground.

Cliche description much?

I couldn’t move, and soon I was pinned against the wall, watching in silent terror as the dagger traced almost lovingly along my face, up to my eye.

You've already used "silent" in the sentence just before. Also, the "almost lovingly" bit is extremely cliche.

My mouth opened, attempting to breathe, but I was surely choking.

Does your mouth breathe? The way you have this written, it seems as if your mouth breathes on its own. Also, the adverb is both unneeded and inappropriate. You don't say "I was certainly being choked," as if someone wrapping their hand around your throat could lead to anything but choking, do you?

Wake up! I prayed as the shining blade drew closer to my left eye. WAKE UP!

Thoughts should be italicized. I realize that posting this here probably ate all your formatting, but you should still go back through and reformat things. It's much kinder on your readers.

And the pain was insufferable, red flowing in great gushes down my face, filling my open mouth with the taste of one’s my own blood, while slowly, the eye was being gouged out of its socket by a man who’s whose face-

How was the pain insufferable? What kind of pain was it? Also "who's" means "who is" while "whose" is the possessive form of "who".

With a sudden twitch I awoke. Frozen, lying awkwardly on the bed, I was staring blindly into the darkness.

Tense shift. Are you using past tense or past participle (was verb-ing)?

Never in my life had I felt panic at such levels – at least, not in any life that I remember. A reminder to myself that I was, just like everyone else in this damned place, a human, no matter how much I would like to believe that I was different.

This could be incorporated much more subtly into your story. As is, however, it just screams "I'M SPESHUL!" because it is so blatantly unsubtle and comes out of apparently nowhere.

By the way, I was wondering, why post just an excerpt? In the future I'd suggest waiting until you have at least a fair part of the story written out before posting anything for critique. It makes it much easier for the critquers to give useful critiques.

I thought this was very, very good. The descriptions were wonderful! I could almost see it myself. I liked the idea that he knew he was dreaming - one thing bothered me though, didn't he wonder what or who killed him? I liked the forshadowing too. I have no real critisism except that I loved it. Write more! Ofir

This was very well written. You could be a horror novelist easy. And ignore those others who say your words are cliched. Cliches are good. Cliches are FRIENDS.