Hellbound Part I

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Pain exploded in the back Strykker’s head as he flew backwards into the wall, small glass jars and chalk coming down from the shelves onto him.
“Damn it” He spit blood to the floor from his bleeding mouth. He held his hand out in front of him, his knuckles where lathered in foreign blood and swollen.
A small ray of light shone in from a hole in the ceiling of the small closet casting a pale reflection on his attackers face.
“You’re the asshole, Carlisle” The attackers mouth widened to a smile.
“Don’t ever” Strykker pushed himself from the wall of shelves, wiping blood from his face “Call me Carlisle”. Strykker’s arm suddenly swung forward and making contact with the attacker’s cheekbone sent blood splattering across his leather jacket.


“What the hell did you do this time?” Larsen’s voice was slowly bringing Strykker from his black world of sleep.
Strykker moaned, whipping dried blood from his forehead.
“Why would you assume that I did anything?”
Larsen scoffed theatrically as he seated himself on Strykker’s bed. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s because nine out of ten times when you wake up covered in blood with cuts and bruises it means that you did do something.”
Strykker rolled over, bunching up the blankets under his chest as he stared at Larsen intently. His face was in his hands, curly brown hair hiding his expression.
“Larsen” Strykker took a deep breath “It wasn’t as stupid as last time”
Larsen perked up suddenly flicking his green eyes to match Strykker’s “Oh really? Not as ridiculous as starting a damn wrestling match over spilled ink in class?”
Strykker’s face twisted “That wasn’t just spilled ink. The bastard spilled the ink on my coat!”
Larsen laughed tightly “Oh yes that definitely makes it OK”
Strykker stared blankly at him, as if he had recently sprouted three extra arms “My favourite leather coat, Larsen” he said seriously.
Larsen rolled his eyes and rested his head in his hands again as if it was all that was left to do in this world. “Then what was it over?” He said murmured into his cupped hands.
“He called me an Asshole” Strykker admitted, taking a long breath as if it where the most devastating thing he had ever experienced “Multiple times and he called me…”he paused “He called me Carlisle.”
Larsen made a moaning noise from his throat. “We’re late for classes” He mumbled something barely audible into his hands again.
Strykker shot up “What!?”
Larsen lifted his head slowly “Late. Again”
“Holy Hell!” Strykker threw his blankets aside and jumped to his feet only wavering a minute.
“What now? Are you late for your date with the Devil? I might as well join you, we’re going to the same place anyways” Larsen whined again.
“Actually” Strykker said, gathering his black coat from his bed post “You’re not too far off”


“Aaradhak, you must understand-,”
“I don’t want to hear it” Aaradhak held his hand up to block his Mother’s consultation.
“This school is the last resort; you have to know that I would privately tutor you if we had the money”
“I know” Aaradhak leaned his head against the icy cold window and watched the thick snow fall on the mountain tops. “And really, it’s fine”
His Mother smiled as she craned her neck to watch the white roads ahead of them. The snow was falling so heavily now the windshield wipers could barely work fast enough to keep his Mother on the road.

“It’s damn cold, Strykker” Larsen was trying to keep up to Strykker as they trudged through the thick snow storm.
“It’s refreshing” Was all that Larsen could hear come from Strykker’s black figure in the distance ahead.
Larsen skipped a few steps ahead to get closer to Strykker but the wind kept wiping snow into his face forcing him to fall back again.
“Where are we going?” Larsen called into the wind as he buried his face deeper into his coat collar.
“I have to make a drop in...” he paused, or he was cut off by the wind, Larsen couldn’t tell “Someone I probably know too well”
“Orian?” Larsen yelled into the snowing sky again. “You’re going to see Orian!?”
Strykker didn’t answer; he only kept trudging faster ahead.

“If anything ever happens, Aaradhak, ever I need you to tell your authorities-,”
“Mum! Please stop telling me that” Aaradhak was starting to think that he actually would be happier once he was finally away from his Mother.
The snow had stopped falling in such thick portions but still stuck to the window sills and sent chilly streams of mountain air through the leaky old window panes, the abnormal amount of cold made Stark wish nothing more than to be home.

Larsen never did like the way Strykker only knew how to sustain himself. He always felt so unnecessary, like if one day he walked away and never talked to Strykker again he would simply learn to have a new person take Larsen’s place.
“Wait here” Strykker said as firmly and as unemotionally as he always did, once they finally reached the old shack on the hill.
It was a fairly unsuspecting old shack, cracked old shingles and boarded windows. Charms and herbs hung from the worn down awning, probably warding away some sort of hocus pocus. Larsen, himself, never believed in Strykker’s ways, the way he supported the idea of curses and magik, Larsen just couldn’t bring himself to think it was healthy to believe in such things.
“Yeah…sure…” Larsen trailed off as they approached closer to the shack. The little old building was starting to look less and less unsuspecting as they got closer. Red ooze dripped from the door handle and window sills, staining the snow patches on the rotting front deck and odd blue smoke rose from the chimney. No tracks led up to the shack, meaning that no one or nothing had been in or out of the building for at least two days.
Strykker held his hand out in front of him and let Larsen run into his arm before he spoke again. “You have to stay out here.” Strykker turned his black eyes to Larsen, instantly capturing his attention.
“Why? Are you sure it’s safe-,”
“Don’t step even a foot closer to that damn building, Larsen Biggs. Don’t you dare” Strykker’s voice was frighteningly serious.
Larsen could barely believe that Strykker was warning him. It was almost as if…Strykker was worried about Larsen. He shook the thought away.
“I’ll wait” Larsen said, rubbing his frozen nose.
“Alright” Strykker nodded and strode off to the shack, making deep foot prints behind him.

“Aaradhak, wake up honey, take a look at this”
Slowly Aaradhak’s curiosity forced his eyes open, and just out ahead, through the snow storm and through the old cracked window shield they could see the Academy. There was an aged iron fence that seemed to be enclosing an ancient castle like structure.
Snow gathered on the old shingled roof and dead vines entwined the discoloured brick building. The academy its self was surrounded by towering snow covered evergreens, it was much like a picture from a Christmas card that Aaradhak’s family would send him with gifts from faraway places.
Aaradhak took the entire experience in and sat back against the seat, trying to find familiar feelings to hold on to. He closed his eyes, feeling the leather seat support him; he placed his hand on his window and let the frost prickle at his finger tips.


“Carlisle Strykker” A growling hoarse voice echoed in the darkness of the warm shack.
“Cut the act out, Creature. I’m here to bargain” When Strykker spoke the shack seemed to sway and crack making the herbs and bones that hung from the ceiling clack together.
“Strykker, you cannot bargain with me” The shack groaned and protested as a dark crippled figure emerged into the candle light.
Strykker felt around in the dark casually until his hands finally found a rotting wooden chair. He pulled the chair toward the desk in front of him and turned the candle light up.
“You want freedom right?” Strykker said as calmly as if he were talking to Larsen.
The cloaked black figure shifted forward, a thin shadow of light illuminated his empty hood. “You know how to give me such a thing?”
“I might” Strykker pulled off his leather gloves and rubbed his cold fingers.
“How?” The figure rasped.
“Tobar” Strykker raised his eyebrow, ready for the creature’s reaction.
The Figure shrunk away from the light, his scarred white claws flying out in front of him as a horrible screeching sound came from under his hood.

“Damn you Strykker” Larsen mumbled through chattering teeth “Why do I always get roped into these things?”
He kicked at a pile of fresh snow, sending a shower of white powder spewing against the front deck.

The iron gates where groaning as they slowly opened, pushing piles of snow to either side of the road. Aaradhak watched leaning forward in his seat as they approached the beautiful old Academy, his eyes widened with every new detail he discovered. The snow sprinkled the front of the building and fresh footsteps where randomly placed around a frozen pond and fountain.
Slowly his Mother pulled up to the front of the great building and sat still, both of them gawking at the chipped mural painted on the tall oak door entrance. It was of a figure in a cloak with a horribly mutated face and he stood on a pile of melting corpses. Aaradhak heard his Mother swallow hard in the back of her throat.
“Well,” Aaradhak said quietly “It sure is…inviting”


It had been about twenty minutes now that Strykker had utterly abandoned Larsen outside and he was beginning to think that he should go in for Strykker. He slowly crept around the corner of the shack, the snow crunching under his cold feet. He set his mitted hand on the old shingles as he leaned against a boarded window to peep in through the crack.


“Tobar will rise again, Creature. Who’s to say I’m not helping him?”
The Creature had stopped his moaning and screeching and had retired to the black corner again. “That doesn’t affect me. That simply seals your fate. If you don’t give me those four souls you owe me, you’ll simply have your own consequences. Even I can’t help that”
Strykker shifted in his seat and slid his gloves over his hands again. “Damn it, Orian, I know you can change my deal-,”
“You can’t help yourself by hurting yourself” He interrupted suddenly.
Strykker fell silent as death, his eyes trying to discern the Creature’s cloaked figure in the dark. “You hurt your body. Your precious human body, because you think you might be able to free yourself of your deal” The Creature spoke as if he knew this to be a fact.
Strykker just starred. “The cuts on your wrists are some of them. The rest you hide, you even lie about.” The Creature’s voice had changed now, he was sure, and he almost sounded human.
Strykker shakily pulled off his glove and felt the familiar ridges of scars on his wrist. “How do you know?” He said weakly.
“You forget, Carlisle. I own you. There for I know you best”

Something warm dripped down Larsen’s coat, startling him so that he jumped backwards and tripping over a tree stump landed flat on his back in the snow bank. He pulled off his mitten frantically and wiped the sticky liquid from the back of his neck. Slowly he brought his fingers in front of him and stared down in awe at what he discovered.
Vanity Is Better Than Death In A Jar
Forever & Always
Kathryn Cull




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This really fascinated me, to say the least! My favorite part had to be the beginning ;) my only suggestion would be to put something between when the scenes switch from Strykker to Aaradhak, like * * * * or something, it surprised me when i was reading lol. I'll be searching the forums for more!
Great Job and Keep Writing!
You do well to believe in God. Satan also believes...and trembles.James 2:19
http://dragcave.net/user/Roma-Gypsy
^ you should so click this.... :)




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YAY! i'm really happy someone on this great godforsaken planet (besides my Mum and friends) had something nice to say about my writing...LOL
Yes! i will for definitely be posting more and I'd say your totally right to put the '**' things so that the readers can tell when its switching characters!
Thanks,
F & A Kathryn C.
Vanity Is Better Than Death In A Jar
Forever & Always
Kathryn Cull




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 2140
Reviews 36
Lol, I cant wait for more!
You do well to believe in God. Satan also believes...and trembles.James 2:19
http://dragcave.net/user/Roma-Gypsy
^ you should so click this.... :)




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Put more spaces. This:
Pain exploded in the back Strykker’s head as he flew backwards into the wall, small glass jars and chalk coming down from the shelves onto him.
“Damn it” He spit blood to the floor from his bleeding mouth. He held his hand out in front of him, his knuckles where lathered in foreign blood and swollen.
A small ray of light shone in from a hole in the ceiling of the small closet casting a pale reflection on his attackers face.
“You’re the asshole, Carlisle” The attackers mouth widened to a smile.
“Don’t ever” Strykker pushed himself from the wall of shelves, wiping blood from his face “Call me Carlisle”. Strykker’s arm suddenly swung forward and making contact with the attacker’s cheekbone sent blood splattering across his leather jacket.

is hard to read.

“Damn it” He spit blood to the floor from his bleeding mouth

You forget a period here after it. Also, it's dammit. Another thing as I read on I notice you make the same mistake over and over on punctuation. You're forgetting the period or comma in certain dialogue parts. Fix it.

“Don’t ever” Strykker pushed himself from the wall of shelves, wiping blood from his face “Call me Carlisle”.

Comma after ever and face, and lower case the c on call.

Larsen’s voice was slowly bringing Strykker from his black world of sleep.

Sleep signifies dreaming. When you are unconscious, you don't dream. So, if he got knocked out in that fight, then why is he asleep and not unconscious?

“Oh yes that definitely makes it OK

It's okay, not OK.

“I don’t want to hear it” Aaradhak held his hand up to block his Mother’s consultation.

Since it is, "his mother's" mother is lower case.

“You’re going to see Orian!?

Not proper grammar. Stick with just the question mark.

Aaradhak watched leaning forward in his seat as they approached the beautiful old Academy,

Add a comma after beautiful.

Slowly his Mother pulled up to the front of the great building and sat still,

Comma after slowly.

Overall: decent, but not great. You have description, but you could use some more. Explain, what the people look like. Put a face to the character. When I read it all I see is a figure making these action without a face or any discernible characteristic. You need learn up on your comma rules too. I'm sure if you go on Google, you'll find a whole list of them. Anyways, if you need help or a review, feel free to PM me on YWS.

Signed,
Lethero the Werewolf
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*Lethero*



trust your heart if the seas catch fire (and live by love though the stars walk backward)
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