You Wanna Try That Again?

Short little attempt at humor. It's really not that funny- I promise.



I laughed, I bawled
You choked, and stalled,
I waved my hand up,
I couldn’t breathe-

You just sat there,
And silently seethed.
Tears leaked from my eyes
You looked like you might revise-

Maybe you realized too, that
that was the worst pick-up line ever.

Nice. It's not that long, but it sure got my attention. I think you could make this into something more. It's definitely a good start. Unless you intended to keep it that short. I totally understand that, because not all poems have to be huge. I'm not good with commenting on poems, because I myself suck at writing poetry. But I'm glad to hear that someones good at it. Keep up the good work!

Persephoneia wrote:I laughed, I bawled
You choked, and stalled,
I waved my hand up,
I couldn’t breathe- These first lines caught my attention.

You just sat there,
And silently seethed.
Tears leaked from my eyes
You looked like you might revise-

Maybe you realized too, that I don't like how you repeated that.
that was the worst pick-up line ever.

O.k., this is short and there really isn't much to review. You have a good rhythm and it truly was funny. I would keep it short and not add more. It is pretty cute the way it is. The one thing I would suggest thinking about is who is going to read this? Where is it going to be published? Overall its great.

Wish I could help more,

A. S.

Hey,

Aw, this was cute. I liked it but thought you could add a lot more to it. It was short enough that just by looking down I saw pick-up line and that completely ruined it for me. Make it a bit longer and it should be really good. Sorry that this wasn't that helpful.

~Jas

Hey persephoneia!

Hmm. I rather like this. The brevity and the occasional couplet reminded me quite vaguely of Dorothy Parker. :] Also, I found it humorous. So there. Hahaha.

Anyway, there isn't much to catch that the others haven't. Only tiny nitpick I have is the "that" repetition. I can see why its there, but when read, I had to agree with Calligraphy.

Other than that, I really liked this.

Hey Coral!
C'est moi, again, Pink

So, love this poem. It was funny, sweet, although it was short...
I wish it was bit longer - but then again, sometimes that could just ruin it, you know.
Anyways, my only nitpick is the repetition of 'that' as calligraphy already mentioned before.
Great work, as always!
Cheers,

~Pink

hahaha ok that was funny! I liked it, it caught my attention and it was awesome! I really like the fact that is short and I love how its sweet no bad things in this

Oh my gosh!! This was funny! Short and sweet. Well I don't really know what to say about it, because there's not really much to critique....very nice! Yay!! Write on, my friend!

Haha! This was cute, and actually quite funny. And sweet. And just the right length.

(Today, I'm easily pleased Not that this wouldn't please me on another, just... Oh, you get what I mean right? )

Apart from the whole 'double-that's' thing that people have already mentioned, this was pretty sweet to me!

Hee-hee-hee, I have to disagree with you that it was not funny. I thought it had a funny, although slightly corny, punch line. I hope you expand this into a longer piece.
Thank you for a little laugh,
Bluebird24

Personally, I loved this, although I'm not sure what pick-up line you're talking about. My only critique is the double "thats," which has already been pointed out several times.

As of the whole publishing thing like Calligraphy mentioned, it doesn't matter. As long as you like what you write, who cares who else sees it?

I found it funny. hmm... perhaps amusing is a more suitable word for it. I didn't expect that last line, and it leaves us wondering, "what pick- up line could it be?" But then again, in my opinion, that's a good thing. It was short and something more of a poem for fun. Maybe something to make you smile even. And that it did. Great job. XD

I didn't find it funny so you are correct in thinking that XD, however I did enjoy the piece. It was not one of those pieces that you have to read to deeply in to, you just take it at face value and that is that. A very good piece.

I think I am developing a habit of reviewing your poetry. I have yet to find a bad one so well done XD Keep it up.

~Retro Disco666

Wow, this is kinda intresting to say the least...

I laughed, I bawled
You choked, and stalled,
I waved my hand up,
I couldn’t breathe-

I like these lines, though I think it would sound better if you made the last two lines rhyme like you did with the first two... and the last line kinda throws me off a bit, it doesn't go with the flow...

You just sat there,
And silently seethed.
Tears leaked from my eyes
You looked like you might revise-

These are good to, but making the first two lines rhyme would make the poem read better...

Maybe you realized too, that
that was the worst pick-up line ever.

Seems like you got lazy here to me; making it two lines instead of four...

Well, I liked it, I think that it might be better though if at the end you added the pick up line that was used. that way we can see what was so funny about it.

Hope I helped,

~Rain~