Please Numb My Pain

You walk away without knowing the pain you leave behind. You don't know that when I laugh at your jokes, or smile when you look my way, it hurts.

Because my life is spent watching you. I watch you as you flirt with other girls. I watch as the toss their hair or smile lustfully at you. I watch as you sit there perfectly fine, and my heart breaks over and over again. Because I'm your best friend.

And you are my only love.

When we sit together we talk about everything except the only thing that matters. Do you not know the pain you cause me? Do you not see the one tear I let fall when no one is looking? Do you not know how much I love you?

There are times when I think that you must. That you know, but don't care. In those times I hate you. But of course you don't. Because you'd never hurt me. Of all the girls, all the people in your life, I mean the most to you. You tell me that those others are nothing compared to our friendship.

And I believe you. I have to, otherwise I couldn't go on.

But I love you with a love that goes beyond friendship. One that goes beyond anything you or I can understand. You are like cancer. At first I was clueless to my feelings. But it spread, and became something I can't ignore.

But you are the only thing that can heal the pain only you can give me. When my heart breaks I wait for you to numb the pain. When you smile the smile you save for only me. When you whisper something in my ear. But you only numb it. Because the pain will never go away. Not until you love me the way I love you.

Which I have come to accept as an impossibility.

So I will continue to hurt. And I will continue to spend my life watching you.

Howdy, Writer! I haven't been reviewing in a while and I'm determined to start up again. So, here goes!

You walk away without knowing the pain you leave behind. You don't know that when I laugh at your jokes, or smile when you look my way, it hurts.

Because my life is spent watching you. I watch you as you flirt with other girls. I watch as they toss their hair or smile a sweet smile at you. Instead of saying "smile a sweet smile" you could just say "smile sweetly". Something about the repetition of smile bothers me. I watch as you sit their there ,perfectly fine, and my heart breaks over and over again. Because I'm your best friend.

And you are my only love.

When we sit together, we talk about everything except the only thing that matters. Do you not know the pain you cause me? Do you not see the one tear I let fall when no one is looking? Do you not know how much I love you?

There are times when I think that you must. That you know, but don't care. In those times, i hate you. Capitalize your I's. But of course you don't. Because you'd never hurt me. Of all the girls, all the people in your life, I mean the most to you. You tell me that those others are nothing compared to our friendship.

And I believe you. I have to, otherwise, I couldn't go on.

But I love you with a love that goes beyond friendship. One that goes beyond anything you or I can understand. You are like cancer. At first I was clueless to my feelings. But it spread, and became something I can't ignore.

But you are the only thing that can heal the pain only you can give me. This sentence is worded weirdly. When my heart breaks, I wait for you to numb the pain. When you smile the smile you save for only me. When you whisper something in my ear. But you only numb it. Because the pain will never go away. Not until you love me the way I love you.

Which I have come to accept as an impossibility.

So I will continue to hurt. And I will continue to spend my life watching you.

This is a bit cliche and gets repetitive. She loves him but he doesn't realize it. I get that, but you tend to draw that out. I just get the feeling that this is longer than it needs to be. The sentences are also really choppy and broken. A lot of the sentences in this piece can be fitted together. There is really no depth to your characters and I don't even know the name of the guy. This was good, but it just needs something more...and to be a bit more original.

Love,
ReisePiecey!

Hiya 97! here to Review!


Overall Impression

When I first read this I thought that it shouldn’t really be a short story, unless you thought of lengthening it more. I personally love how this is in second person because really, not many stories are. So just remember to keep it that way, if you were writing a story in third person you wouldn’t really go ‘I’ now would you?

Suggestions

Because my life is spent watching you.

This here is more of a sentence ending, a clause. It’s either at the end of a sentence, or the beginning, but it shouldn’t really have a line to itself.

Because I'm your best friend.

Already from two paragraphs I can say that you’re sentences are too snappy, vary it a bit more. Also, I think that this would read better as:
I’m your best friend.

When we sit together, we talk about everything except, the only thing that matters.

When you’ve written something, it always helps to read it aloud then you can place your punctuation better.

But of course you don't. Because you'd never hurt me.

I think that this sentence would look better like this:
But of course you don’t, because you’d never hurt me.

Character

I won’t go too much into detail with this because it’s all second person. Anyway all I know about the love of her life is that he is rude. I’m agreeing with ReisePiecey in saying you need to go more in depth. Mention his name in somewhere, add something else. The girl in this story isn’t well described either; I know this is because of the way you set it out. All I know is that she is really obsessive of this guy.

Plot

The plot is quite cliché, if you were going to add to it, and say what happens next the readers would be more interested. I did like reading it; I wanted to see what happens at the end because of all your lovely descriptions of this guy. Try going off of the whole cliché ending and think of something else.

Wording

I’ve mentioned most of what I thought of the wording in the ‘Suggestions’ bit. Now, they say that you shouldn’t start sentences with ‘and’ or ‘but’. You seem to do this A LOT. I read up on it, it’s ok if you do it every once in a while, just don’t resort to it as a sentence beginning. The main reason for this is that you’re sentences could be merged together, to prevent this from happening. For the ‘but’ you could use some more interesting connective like ‘however’ or ‘although’.

You don't have to take all of my suggestions, they're just how I see it. I hope I helped!

~ Tamara
xo

Sorry, I'm kind of late. ^^

Ahh! I hate it when you fall in love with your best friend. So, so, so awkward! On the plus side, sometimes they realize that they ought to be together and they get married and it's happily ever after! That's what happened with my aunt and uncle. But sometimes, they're like, "Oh, we don't want to ruin the friendship!" And sure enough, the friendship gets ruined anyway because one of them loves the other one and gets jealous and hurt.

So, so messy!

One thing I'm kind of interested in... what does this girl do when she sees her best friend flirting with all these girls? Like, I know you said she just sits there complacently and thinks mean things, but that has so much potential for climatic story plot line! I mean, what she's doing is she's BOTTLING IT UP. And, if I am correct, people who bottle up their emotions generally burst.

So, we have the set up. We know she has feelings for him and we know he doesn't care. Now, let's see how she handles this throughout the conflict. Does she punch some girl out because she's touching him? Does she punch HIM out for being so cruel? Does she just break off the friendship? This story has some serious potential for being really dramatic and awesome. You should help it reach its full potential.

Good luck!

Hey Writer! I'm Nike... here to review!
First Impression
I liked it. Everyone loves the story of a best friend love, like for example: Shows: Ugly Betty, Hannah Montana. Books: Many I can't even mention how many! --How to Be Popular (is one though)
It just changes the perspection to love and everyone loves the idea that best friends are actually perfect for each other.

Edits
So I liked it. But here are some edits.

Writer97 wrote:Because my life is spent watching you. I watch you as you flirt with other girls. I watch as they toss their hair or smile sweetly at you. I watch as you sit there perfectly fine, and my heart breaks over and over again. Because I'm your best friend.

Writer97 wrote:When we sit together we talk about everything except for the only thing that matters. Do you not know the pain you cause me? Do you not see the one tear I let fall when no one is looking? Do you not know how much I love you?

I loved this line. It was so touching!

Writer97 wrote:But I love you with a love that goes beyond friendship. One that goes beyond anything you or I can understand. You are like cancer. At first I was clueless to my feelings. But it spread, and became something I can't ignore.

I like how you compared the love to cancer, new in writing!

Overall
Keep Writing! This is amazing! I'd like it if you would review my book: Totally Strange. I really like this...
Nike:)

I really liked your piece, it was sad and sweet. The only thing I would say needs some improvement is maybe a little back ground. Why does she love him? What made her fall for him? Little things like that can go a long way. Maybe some names too. But over all i think you did well showing us her pain. Keep writing!

Sierra