I’m Nina. I’m 17. And this is actually the first time in my life I’m drunk. Really. I’m not kidding. I’ve only tasted some wine on occasions like birthdays and such stuff. Something burns in my chest. But I know this is not alcohol, it’s 100 % not alcohol. It’s emotions and stress and so much I want to say to so many people that I know I will hardly ever dare to say. There is much I want to say to my mom, both of them. U think I’m drunk that’s why I wrote BOTH of them, but u are wrong: they really are two. The one who brought me to this world, the second who grew me up and still continues, though there is no need and she is doing everything wrong. But I hardly consider the one who brought me to this world he mother. Anyway, I will continue this theme a bit later.
I have lived 17 years in this world and this is what I understood: everybody doesn’t care a shit about the other person or people in general. Being hurt by a person u love and trust is the most unbearable thing, even more than to lose him: if u lose him, u know he loved and cared about you, but life separated you, and when that person hurts and leaves you, it’s a bloody thing for your soul. The other thing I learned is that people easily get attached to everything, even to a computer mouse. They especially get attached to other people. And the third thing is that a person can be happy, REALLY happy only through another. Let me explain: I can bet that most people feel much happier giving a present to a beloved person rather then receiving a one. Mothers feel full when their little baby has eaten something, sister is happy and proud when her brother has entered University or has done something remarkable may be even more than when she has done the same. Your favorite coffee tastes much better if you are having it with a friend.
My hands are shivering now. May be that IS the alcohol, but it’s also a great disappointment and sadness and eagerness to find the answers as well… and may be that I feel sick now. By the way, I’m drinking a wonderful bottle of old Armenian brandy. I said this to make you kind of envious, hehe. Remember I promised to return to my “two mothers” question later??? Now is the time, I guess.
I was three. My mom (the one who brought me to this world) was 20. My dad was 23. That means that my mother was 17 when she got pregnant and my dad was 20. Funny, isn’t it? I can’t take care of myself now and I imagine if it was ME who had a baby now…well, it’s quite difficult to imagine as I am a virgin, but anyway, I think I wouldn’t be able to take that responsibility. That doesn’t mean at all that I would abort the child or leave it, no, I would just make it so that there WASN’T a problem like that, I wouldn’t get pregnant. But my parents were married when they had me, really, I live in Armenia and it’s quite a preservative nation, a very old-fashioned one (probably that’s why I’m virgin yet). Anyway, she left my dad when I was three and ran away with another man. The funny thing is I saw her with her lover in bed, and that scene is stuck just in front of my eyes. Actually I remember everything. We were (and still are) living with my father’s parents, that is to say with my grandparents. And I remember their behavior as well. My granny loved my mom very much, though I don’t know why, so when everything happened and they divorced, she frequently took me to meet my mother secretly, because the other members of my family decided never let me see her again in order that I forget her. Stupid of them. I wish they talked to me and explained everything instead of focusing on keeping me away from that part of my life. May be if they talked to me it wouldn’t hurt that much. I remember that once when my granny took me on another secret meeting in a nearby park, I saw my mother as always and started running towards her. She leaned towards me, but then stood up, turned and ran away. I kept screaming and calling her, running after her, but I was very little, couldn’t run that fast, and trying to make it as fast as possible I fell down on the ground. I remember how I lied there looking at my mom running away, my eyes full of tears. Then my granny took me from the ground and said that mommy wouldn’t come back. I suddenly stopped crying. And talking. And doing anything for some time. I just remained silent. In fact I became a very silent child. I could play for hours with my toys without any sound. It’s strange but I remember every detail of that period of my life. May be not very clearly, but I remember too much for a child.
Every time I remember the episode in the park, I can’t hold my tears. And this time is not an exception. I had better get a handkerchief.
So, here is the first time when I’m left by a person I love. And unfortunately, it repeats quite often.
Years pass. I’m five. My dad decides to marry again. I remember that conversation he had with my grandma and grandpa. I remember him telling them about my second mom, that he was going to marry that girl and that she would live with us. Then I remember my happiness about all that matter. I was waiting excitedly for the day when I would see her. I imagined her face for many times, I tried to think how to capture her and how to make her like me. The day comes and I am happy to find how beautiful she is. At first she was very kind and careful with me, bought me toys and took me for walks. But my grandma was jealous of me, and as my mom wasn’t experienced then, she obeyed everything my grandma ordered her to do, including leaving my education and taking care of to her, grandma. That’s where our first coldness started I guess. But it wasn’t awful; it was good living with her. Only I wanted her attention very much, may be a little more then she was capable of giving. She is not quite the person who is used to expressing her feelings to anyone, even to her own mother. She didn’t have a life of princess, and that made her heart a bit of stone, even iron I can say. Even though I understood it when I was a child and even now, it didn’t make it easy to cope with that part of her character, it hurt me very much, especially when she vented her fury on me. Very often she said bad words to me when I had done nothing. It awfully hurt me when I was a child, it was the reason I cried at nights. But I always knew she loved me, nevertheless, though it didn’t ease the pain. I loved her very much, very, very, very much. That’s why I never answered her anger and her bad words and always stood silently and listened to every word she told me, then, when I was alone, I cried in silence. Then she gave me a brother, and my life was completely changed. I loved the little creature more than anything else, and still, I love him and I will never let anyone hurt him. NEVER. I feel sort of responsible of him. Especially now, as our family is trying to survive a terrible catastrophe, a silent one, because my mom has a lover, whom she loves more then us. Well, may be not more then her son, but surely more then me and my dad. I know who is that man. I have seen him several times. He is the son of the headmaster of the school my mom works at as a teacher. He has a family. Has a baby boy. Has a job. And it kills me. Every minute it kills me from the inside. My dad doesn’t see anything as she is concealing like a real professional. May be I have to learn that from her. She conceals it from him, but not from me as she thinks I can’t understand EVERYTHING that is going on, or may be she doesn’t care how I feel about it. Anyway, it’s obvious that she is in love. I have never heard her talk to somebody THAT way. Never saw her let anyone play on her feelings like she allows that dirty sonovabitch. About her feelings I’m sure, but about HIS I doubt… No, I am sure: there are NO such feelings. I see her cry sometimes, but never have I seen her cry before. At first I thought it wouldn’t be for a long time, but I was wrong: it’s already a year, and their relationship is only becoming stronger. It drives me crazy!!!! I would rather prefer if she divorced with my dad and went away, or cut the relationship she’s having and stay, but not to play with all of us, not to hide and act and lie, lie, lie, every minute LIE!!! She is behaving like a 15-year-old girlie, who has for the first time in her life fallen in love. Even I don’t do the stupid things she does. She has always been an authority for me, but when I see her hiding in the bathroom with her second cell phone that my dad is unaware of, I get CRAZY!!! Sometimes I hardly keep all my anger and the words I want to tell her inside, because if I do tell her all I want to, it would ruin the seeming family I have now. I don’t want to interfere, because it’s none of my business. But sometimes it’s so hard to resist the temptation to tell my dad everything and finally put an end to this madness. But I know I won’t. All I can do in this situation is wait. I used to get awfully nervous, and because of that I have heart problems. Actually I have had heart problems since I was 7. But now it’s even worse.
But besides all this stuff with my family, I have had an awful experience with a guy. An ex-boyfriend actually. I guess u are laughing now because one person can’t be unlucky in all the spheres of life. I hate the word “unlucky”, because I don’t consider myself to be a one. I just thank God every day for everything. I know there are a lot of people who have problems even incomparable with mine. Everyone has his own life, anyway, and I have mine.
When I was 16, that is to say a year ago, I madly fell in love with a guy of 20. I just entered University (in my country school is only 10 years, then comes University) with excellent exam results. I was so proud of myself. And I became considerably independent and self-reliant if one can say so. I met a great deal of new people, new friends and companies, and I was chosen to enter the Student’s Scientific Society. It was a great thing for me, I was really happy as all the people there were so grown-up (as it at first seemed to me). They all were 19 and 20, and I was the only one who was 16. I felt so wonderful with all of them, I felt that I can relax there from the problems in my family. But it turned out that it only made things worse. A guy made me signs of attention, gave me flowers, took me home after the classes, always remembered to open the door for me, and with all that he was a physicist. He had a great brain. So I fell in love with him, and soon he said that he loved me and wanted me to become his girlfriend!!! That day I was really happy. I felt like a queen, like I could do anything I wanted to. We started dating, every night we spoke for hours on telephone-there was so much I wanted to know about him!!! Then, on our third date, he asked me if anyone ever kissed me. He was the first guy I was dating in my life, and how could anyone have kissed me??? But I didn’t want it to happen so fast and besides, u know some girls like me dream about their first kiss to be unforgettable and romantic and all that. When he learnt that nobody had ever kissed me, he decided to be the one. I didn’t expect him to kiss me, especially in such an unromantic place like where we were and such an unromantic weather. In fact I didn’t like it, but I didn’t want to break his heart and said that it was wonderful. God, I wished he didn’t do it any more, but he did. Suddenly, some time later, I started enjoying it, too, as he did everything to please me. But we didn’t have sex, u know in my country one can’t have sex with a person that’s not her husband. And of course I didn’t want him to do that so fast and I knew I wasn’t ready for it. Thank God guys in our country don’t do that to girls like me, I mean virgins who are not their wives. They know the rule. And also he promised me not to ever try it till the day we would get married. He kept on asking me to marry him some years later, when he had a job to keep a family, he told me he wanted to have babies from me, wanted to go to Italy for our honeymoon… It was so cute, I felt like I were in a fairy tale, where I were the princess and he were my prince. All this lasted the first 2 weeks. Then it became a hell. He was all the time angry with me because of nothing. He said he didn’t like the way I looked at him, the way I talked to him and anything. I was crying day and night. I tried to kiss him, he avoided me. I knew there was a girl he loved a year or so ago, and I knew that girl dumped him, but now, when I was with him, she tried to do everything to get him back. He had his own cabinet, and every time I went there she was sitting beside him dresses like a whore. I was so jealous, I told him I didn’t like that, and he explained that they were just friends. Of course, they were not. I was too stupid and too in love to realize it. One beautiful day he said that he was leaving me. The minute he uttered that, my little world I had created with him, the illusion of being loved and cared by someone, was swept away by a sharp pain somewhere in my chest. As the last time I experienced such thing (I mean the episode with my mom running away), I remained silent. I didn’t cry, didn’t talk, didn’t do anything. I just sat there, unable to move. He said he didn’t love me at all, in fact he never did. He was just fascinated by the fact that nobody had ever touched my skin and kissed my lips before, and he wanted to be the first. God, I wish he didn’t tell me THAT truth, I wish he lied and said he didn’t like my breasts or my figure or my voice, but only not THAT. It was unbearable. I have given him so much of me, I have opened my world for him and welcomed him there, I have always helped him, always been next to him, always available any time he wanted to talk. Any time he called me and asked to come, I ran to him, no matter where I was. I missed classes very much and lost my scholarship because of that, but I didn’t care. All I cared was to give HIM all my love and warmth that I couldn’t give to anyone, even in my family.
My life was broken. At least it SEEMED to me THEN that it was broken. Of course NOW I understand that it was my fault: if I had a little more experience and brain I wouldn’t have let him treat me that way.
The next day I saw him kissing the girl I told u about right in front of me.
And the funniest thing is that I STILL LOVE HIM, though I will NEVER let him come back and I don’t want him to be next to me. I know I deserve a better man. Anyway, it was really difficult to get over it, and I still didn’t. Well, at least now I know how stupid I have been. I hope I won’t be anymore.
A week after this scene of me being left in such a rude way, I was hit by a car in the street.
The thing is that after that awful stress I was enduring after this break-up, I was frequently thinking of suicide. This is very difficult for me to tell you about, because I am terribly ashamed that I though about that.
I was crossing a street wrapped up in these thoughts when a car turned into the street I was crossing. It signaled at me, but I didn’t hear as I was a bit out of life at that time, and besides I was deep in thoughts. I didn’t expect a car to turn to that street as it usually was empty. The car couldn’t stop and it hit me. I remember how frightened I was when I was flying over the car. I remember everything in a slow rhythm, as if play back on: I saw the car coming nearer and nearer, then a sharp pain in my hip and in the part upper my right knee, then flying high up the car and the asphalt of the street approaching and…..darkness. I woke up lying in the street with a sharp pain in my back and head and hands. People grabbing my shoulders and trying to take me into the car and I didn’t let them. I was screaming that I wanted to go home, and they just kept pulling me to the car to take me to hospital. I was breathing in a very strange way, as if I had been under the water for too long. I couldn’t believe I was alive. Really. I felt death so near that I couldn’t believe I survived. It was as if the death was still near. Suddenly I understood that I was lying in an unknown car with an unknown man shouting at me to calm down as if he tried to calm himself. I was all alone with a stranger. It was quite frightening to realize, especially the fact that the man was the driver of the car which hit me. He begged me not to cry and took me to a hospital where his aunt was working, so she wouldn’t call the police. I didn’t mind because the poor fellow wasn’t the only one to blame for the accident. There was also my fault. The doctor took a look at me. All my hands and shoulders and legs and hips were in blood, but I felt the sharpest pain in my back and I couldn’t stand on my right leg, the one that car crashed into. She said I had to be x-rayed, so that they know exactly what happened to me. By a miracle my face had not a single cut or anything like that. The doctor said I had to be taken to another hospital because they didn’t have the right mechanisms for examining me. I understood that I had to call my relatives. The only person I wanted to see then was my grandpa. I love him very much, more then anyone else except for my brother. My grandpa is like a guardian angel for me. I called him and said to come to the hospital because there was nothing serious. It’s funny, isn’t it? I said to come to a hospital because nothing happened. Naturally he came as fast as he could, but during the 20 minutes I was in the corridor of an unknown hospital all alone were awful. But there I felt something stronger with me, I don’t know how to explain so that you understand…well, I felt there was an angel or our God holding my hand and making me strong. I never was a fanatic, and I believed in God in my own way. I hadn’t yet discovered what is religion for me and what attitude I had to all that stuff, but that day I understood everything and started to believe, REALLY believe. 2 weeks at a hospital and I was OK again, ready to continue my life, but I was very changed, VERY changed. I changed my attitude to many things, and I started to notice so much I didn’t use to notice. I guess the Lord gave me this experience to make me understand him and appreciate the life I had. And I really did. Now every time I am lost and don’t know what to do or how to carry on, I prey to him. But in my own way. There is no exact prayer I say. But it always calms me better then anything else.
So, I had absolutely no fracture. Can you believe it??? ABSOLUTELY NO!!! The ways of God are inscrutable. I survived.
Today my mom and I quarreled again. But this time it was very serious, much more serious then it had ever been. But I don’t give a shit to this any more, I really don’t. And it scares me. I think for her it is very bad that I don’t care how she will treat me. I don’t care if she does not’t talk to me. If this all happened some 2 weeks ago, I would probably gone crazy crying all day long, but not this time. My heart has hided somewhere very far, where even I cant find it. It’s better for my health, but I didn’t do that on purpose. It just happened. And now I am drinking and writing all this because I wouldn’t ever tell anyone all I wrote here if I wasn’t drunk. I will probably wish to delete this from my laptop in the morning, but I don’t want to. I want this to be left as it is. I know if I promise to myself that I wouldn’t delete it, I will 100% do it. I never believe in promises, even mine. But if I ask me here not to delete all this, I will 100% don’t. So please, Nina, please, when you read this in the morning, don’t delete it, I want to show this to the world. If I can’t say all this to those I want to know, then why can’t I show this to people who never saw me and will probably never see? I just had to write all this. I’m sorry if it’s boring or long or uninteresting, but that’s my life, my feelings and emotions I am hiding very deep in my soul.
In the end I would like to say that no matter what happens to me, I continue loving my life. I really love it, I love the world I live in, though it’s full of awful things. I love every single second of this craziness called LIFE. And I always try to enjoy every manifestation of it, every raindrop that falls on my skin, every gust of wind that sometimes makes me shiver with cold and sometimes wormers me, every poem written by Pushkin, every book written by Hemingway and every song written by James Blunt. And do you know why I am so happy??? Because I have learnt one more thing in my life: life is a compromise: if you have a bad period in your life, you will surely be given some happiness to balance all it. So I’m waiting for my happiness, and I will smile one day at reading this, because my life will be much better then it is today, when I wrote this revelation, 8th of August, 2010.
