untitled- this piece needs critique! very badly!

Wolfdaemon · 2010-01-09T19:02:30Z

this is a idea that sprung from Meh head when i was pondering my story, i know it isn't very good, but that's what your for isn't it, to give me ideas for changing it?!i am going to refer to them as bell, micheal and walker. Fog holds to many secrets- bell decided, gripping walkers thick ruff tighter. She raked a big hand through her shaggy, jet black hair, almost identical to the thick, double coated wolf at her heels. She frowned at her voice, it sounded hollow in the dense fog that swirled like a sentient being. She cleared her throat nervously and kept walking, her small feet making soft squelching noises as the mud pulled at the soles. ~ummm, bell? i think we should turn back~ walker suggested, his pink tongue lolling. She cast him a scathing look "honestly walker? Thought you were the big bad wolf, nothing to be scared of out-" her feet skittered across the mud-slicked ground. She yelped as they were flung out in front of her and she landed with a wet PLOP. Walker smiled a VERY lupine smile and said ~nothing to be afraid of . . . but mud~ bell glared, her pale blue eyes shooting daggers. Walker helped her up with a friendly nudge. Muttering something inaudible, she pressed her lips together until they were thin and white "i hate mud!" Walker stiffened, his hackles rising as she brushed mud from her back and legs. "What is it walker?" she asked softly, feeling his unease radiate through their mental link ~i smell smoke~ bell felt herself tense with his agitation, backing up the way she came. She bumped into something as hard as the brick wall. Cold steel bit into bells stiff neck, a hard, unforgiving bite, not unlike the teeth that had sunk into her attackers other wrist. "Come now deary is that any way to treat your rescuer?" He asked, pulling her closer to his chest and tapping her cheek with the point of his wicked blade. "Michael! You idiot! Think about this!" bell snarled, baring her teeth in the identical challenge of the young black wolf cub dangling from Michael’s bloodied wrist. "Is this anyway to treat your princess?!" The blade twitched slightly in Michael’s hand as he said, icily calm "My allegiance is to no one." then he seemed to regret his brash words "But i have a duty. Right now, it’s to get you the hell away from here.” She stiffened, her spine going rigid as she heard walker’s growl. "How about you get your little knife out of my face and i will call off my dog?" She shifted against his wiry arms. He laughed, a chill, hard sound, more like a bark of disbelief then a laugh of amusement "Dog? That no dog! It’s a wolf! And-" He nudged her forward with his boot "I know of your dirty magic." :thud: Lol,this is the beginning to my novel. I think. if you like this, you should read my other post about her and her wolf cub kind of all grown up, bout two years later. please, this needs as much help as it can get! and i know about the punctuation mistakes and what not, i was just in a hurry to write this! thanks!oh, and i know this might be confusing at first, but in a min. it goes to what she was doing before the man showed up lol, which was sneaking around the castle.

Right off the bat, you forgot to capitalise in spots! Capital letters are important. Her, in the second sentence, who is 'her'?

~ummm, bell? i think we should turn back~

Quotation marks... [b
]"Um, bell? I think we should turn back."[/b]
Ummm... no... Um. One M, excessive letters are a no go. Period at the end of a sentence. Capital at the beginning. If Walker is a name then it is a proper noun, therefore must start with a capital as well. If you didn't know, to make a letter capital you hold the shift key, then press a letter. If you want to make a word more, ugh whats the word... noticed, if you want to make the word more noticed, use bold or italics, CAUSE NOBODY LIKES THIS. I as a single letter, meaning yourself, is capitalized. Like for example > I hate it when people don't capitalize their I's.

"But i have a duty. Right now, it’s to get you the hell away from here.” She stiffened

I'm pretty sure our friend Bell wasn't the one talking... you might want to say who was. :thud:

, Like I said, if you want to make a word noticed used bold and/or italics. Not :: colons are being misused here. Next time you may want to run spell check.

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