He who borrowed and didn't return

I hope this can be called a poem


Haven't you heard?
The robber came
So quietly,
So slowly,
With skill,
And expertise.
He stole.



He climbed the custom made
High, thick walls
And greedily,
Mercilessly,
Took what was
Good and precious.


And the guards?
The alarms I installed?
He lured them with money
And empty words
That trickled like honey
Slow...
But every bit sweet
Leaving them hanging
To his every word.



He left
And took what
Filled the fort.
In return,
He gave me tears.


Pray,
Make your walls higher
And thicker
Train your guards
Get a better alarm system
Protect yourself
From the merciless,treacherous
Thief of hearts.

Hi,

I really liked the twist at the end here.

I'd cut "Tears" etc from the start of the stanzas. I'd also either cut "the alarms I installed" or add something about him disabling them as you can't lure away alarms! I'd also change "honey" and "hanging/to his every word" to something fresher, maybe more closely related to the break-in.

I'd also add full-stops to places where thoughts end, for example "And took what filled the forte". (Also, forte should be fort.)

Hope this helps.

Jas

Ooh, I liked this.

A couple of comments... I really don't like the hanging word that you have on every one of your stanzas. I would kill it, if I were you. I also don't really like the ending... you had a very captivating poem about a sneaky robber who was able to go past all of the man's defenses, even though the man obviously put a lot of defenses up, with the guards and alarms. So it seems odd for you to advocate a better alarm system when, simply put, there doesn't really seem to be anything that can possibly work. I don't know! It was just a bit weird.

Also, I think you can add something about what he didn't steal... what about that? I don't know.... I was kind of looking at the poem as symbolic so that the robber would be Satan and the man would be a sinner, etc. So I'm curious what the robber left behind.

Anyway, nice job! I liked this!

Hey guys!
Thanks for your feedback. Snoink, I think you should come up with your own thief because in this world, there are a lot of people who steal different things from us so it depends on what has been taken away from you.
Jas, the alarms are symbolic so to me they can be lured with money, however unrealistic it is!
Thanks guys and I will make a few changes.