Playthings

Spoiler

I wrote this for jDawn's Inspiration contest! The story is related to Paramore's song, My Heart. I hope it isn't too bad!
Also, I think I really need to change the title, since it's too cliche. Any suggestions?

Shannon desperately drags the tape recorder they found in under the bed into the middle of the circle. Gaspard uses all his remaining strength to pull poor dying Rabbity next to the machine. Please let this work, they prayed fervently. Please.

The dolls gather around the tape recorder, like it was one of Emily’s campfires from seemingly a lifetime ago. The old dusty tape recorder crackles and crackles, trying to recall what it was supposed to do.

Come on! Shannon cries in her head. Please work! We’ve lost so many already! She didn’t even have the strength to say her words out loud anymore.

Gaspard closes his eyes. We need you, Em. We need you.

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Lightning struck and thunder rumbled up in the evening sky. The little girl curiously peered out of the train as it started to get darker and darker, and the clouds had started to gather over the vast expanse of hills. Shan doesn’t like rain, she mused to herself, luckily she’s safely in my backpack, warm and snug. She smiled at the thought of her darling dolly in the bag cuddling with Mr Rabbity Hare with the others.

It would be many hours later till the little girl would discover that she had left poor Shannon and her other toys behind in the cabin.



“She abandoned us all.” Professor Gaspard gracefully jumped from his precarious perch on the wooden stool, his creamy tail flicking.

Shannon hissed fiercely, “No, she didn’t! She just went out for a bit, that’s all.” Her little button eyes glared at the stuffed calico cat, daring him to say more.

Gaspard looked bemused. “You’re still just in self-denial, Shan.” His tail flicked towards the band of dolls miserably huddling together on the bed, “What do we mean to her anyway? You know her daddy’s gonna buy her a mockingbird and a diamond ring and all those other things if she lost us. We’re nothing but dolls. Easy to come by. Cheap.” His voice got lower. “Expendable.”

Strawberry gasped. “You mean she’ll replace us, Prof?” Gaspard nodded. She started panicking, “Oh my god! We’re finally done for. No more tea parties. No more My Little Pony. No more combing my mane. No more---“

Mr Rabbity Hare interrupted her. “Stop it, Strawberry,” he said crossly, “You’re giving me a headache.” He hopped over to where Shannon was sitting, his fluffy bunny tail bobbing up and down. “Gaspard, I think you shouldn’t talk about Emily leaving us behind,” he whispered urgently, “You’re scaring the rest of the group!”

The tortoiseshell merely raised an eyebrow. “There is nothing to fear but fear itself,” he observed wisely.

Shannon ignored his comment and defiantly raised her woolen head. “Emily’ll come and take us all back, just you wait and see, Gaspy.

“Just you wait and see.”



“Where’s Shan?” the little girl cried as she hurriedly rummaged through her numerous bags full of clothes and towels and souvenirs from camp. “Where’s my dolly?”

Mommy looked tired. “Em, I told you to pack up all your things carefully,” she scolded the little girl, who was now in tears.

“I didn’t mean to leave Strawberry and Gaspy and Shan and Lulu and Rabbity behind!” she sobbed, clutching one of Shannon’s frocks to her chest. “I didn’t mean to!” Her Mommy sighed and silently left the room while the little girl howled in despair inside.

She’ll forget about them once her father comes back with another load of dolls from his business trip, her Mommy thought to herself sagely as she strode down the hallway to call her spouse. She’ll be alright.

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The tape recorder finally stops crackling, and unsteadily plays a hauntingly beautiful melody. Rabbity raises his head and weakly breathes a sigh of relief. Em’s lullaby.

The two other dolls muster all the remaining strength they have, and starts to sing along with the little girl’s sweet voice.

Rabbity smiles. At least I’ll get to hear Emmy when I die.

And he closes his eyes to dream of the good times, of when Emily still cared, putting down his aches and pains for the last time.

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Shannon stayed up all by herself as the other dolls went to sleep, fervently hoping in their tiny cloth hearts that their owner would come back to them.

She remembered how she just woke up in Emily’s arms one morning in an unfamiliar bedroom, scared and wary of the stranger. But Emily had this wonderful voice that soothed her aches for love. It was her lullaby that finally lulled the doll into sweet oblivion, where she and the little girl grew up together, comforting each other when times were rough.



Shannon started crying, a habit that she had almost forgotten. The tiny drops dripped down her woolen face, staining her always blushing cheeks.



She couldn’t help but question, was Gaspard right? She hugged herself more tightly, her velvet legs pressed against her cloth heart. Did she really care for us?



“I won’t have her.” Emily started stonily at the plastic thing wrapped up in a box.

Her Daddy sighed and started saying, “Emily ---”

But she had already turned away, muttering and pouting to herself.

He shrugged. She did the same thing with Joy and Vera and Angel, he thought as he carefully put the doll where Emily could see it --- on the windowsill --- why not Shannon and co?



Rabbity walked to and fro on the wooden floor, scowling and fluffy tail twitching. Why hasn’t she come back yet? He thought darkly to himself as he strolled across the cabin. Emmy does care for us, right?

He paced forwards and backwards, carrying out the argument in his head. As he fruitlessly tried to prove to himself that the sweet little girl did care, a shadow lurked in the corner of the room.

It was Gaspard licking his neat fur clean, washing his paws and straightening his whiskers. He settled down after he had his daily bath, watching the others worry about their predicament.

He closed his eyes, forcing himself to erase the heartbreaking images from his eyes. It always happens, he sadly thought to himself. The human always lets the dolls down.

Always.



She does look pretty, Emily thought grudgingly to herself. The Barbie did have beautiful hair and legs.

She lifted up the Barbie and started straight into her eyes. She was enthralled by her pretty lipstick and makeup. I wonder if I could have that when I grow up, she wondered.

For the first time since she went home, she actually cracked into a smile. Maybe I’ll give her a try!



“I told you she wasn’t coming back, Shan.”

The aforementioned doll didn’t reply. Instead, she let out a huge sigh and looked from her woolen hands to the calico cat. “You’re right as always, Gaspy.”

Gaspard sighed and rested a paw on her woolen shoulder. “Don’t be upset, Shan. We’re all still together. Even though that old miser abandoned us.”

“Uh-huh. We don’t need her, right guys?” Lulubelle oinked, her little pink tail flinging from side to side.

“Definitely!” echoed Strawberry. She looked around, “I mean, who needs a person to stroke your gorgeous mane, right?”

Shannon smiled. “Of course we don’t, Strawberry. We don’t need that stupid human.”

“Yeah, but Strawberry needs to be pampered, so she needs her the most,” Rabbity slyly said.

“I won’t let you start talking back to me yet, mister!” The dapple grey neighed huffily. They all laughed merrily.

But as Shannon simply sat there with the others and watched the sun rise, she couldn’t help feeling that something was not quite right. So she moved on. That’s okay. Her blood ran cold. But what happens to us next?

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“No, Rabbity!” Shannon rasps. “Don’t leave us yet!”

He opens his eyes. The usual sparkle in them was already fading away. “Em’s moved on without me, Shan, Gaspy,” he wearily whispers, “It’s time for me to move on, too.”

Then he twitches for a while before he lays still, fluffy tail bobbing no more. Gaspard yowls and his paws press onto where Rabbity’s heart used to be, but his paws go right through the fading form of Mr Rabbity Hare. It glimmers for a moment before it disappears forever.

Rabbity is gone, Shannon miserably thought, her heart feeling like it was torn apart. Forever.

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“You’re looking beautiful, Barbie!” She cooed at the plastic doll that had her hair straightened and dyed pink. “What do you want to do next?” She twirled her dolly around and thought for a while. “I know!” she excitedly said. “We can ride ponies!”

She pushed the white plastic horse in front of the plastic doll. “Come on, Barbie, let’s ride Buttercup! Trot, trot, trot; trotty trotty trot!” she sang, making trotting noises with her fingers.



“Aah!” Strawberry screamed. The dolls rushed over to the dapple grey, who was kneeling on the ground. “What is it?” Rabbity asked. “If your pretty hooves ain’t hurting, then don’t say a word no more, missy!” Lulubelle threatened.

She shook her head. “I feel terrible,” she wailed. “My body is aching all over!” Gaspard urgently asked, “Where does it hurt, Strawberry?” She gulped and whined, “Everywhere, Prof!” “How does it feel like?” he prompted, tail twitching nervously.

“Like my body’s on fire!” she groaned, her head resting on Shannon’s shoulder. Gaspard gasped and rested his head on his paws. “It’s too late,” he murmured sorrowfully.

“What’s too late?” the others questioned, alarmed at Gaspard’s sudden grief. He bent his head and whispered, “That.”

They all turned to look at Strawberry as she suddenly let out a series of horrible wails and flung her head in all directions. They cringed as they looked in horror at her spasm on the floor.

After what seemed an eternity, she was silent, and her beautiful white mane flipped no more. She shined and shimmered for a while, basking in the sun’s glow, until she vanished into thin air.

“What was that?!” Shannon blurted, her little body shaking in fright. Gaspard looked up and said in a low voice, “That, my friend, is what we call fading away. Or moving on.”

They all stared at him, horrified. He continued quietly, “It means that Emmy has moved on with Strawberry’s substitute. Forever.”

“Does that mean that we will eventually go through what she endured today?” Rabbity stuttered.

Gaspard hesitated before nodding his head. “Yes.”

That night, as the cold winter wind swirled around them in the cabin, all the dolls could think about was this: Emily, we need you to come back to us.



“Come on, Piggy Jean!” the little girl sang as she flung her new dolls up into the sky. “You too, Teddy!”

She perfectly caught them in her arms when they landed. She giggled. “Wasn’t that fun?”

Emily patted the dolls on the head before heading back to her home, wondering if her Barbie missed her.



As Lulubelle “moved on”, Shannon cried, “We can’t just let ourselves fade away!” She pleaded with those big and wide button eyes of hers, “What can we do, Gaspy?”

His sad, tired eyes stared back. “It’s impossible, Shan.”

Rabbity exclaimed, “Nothing is impossible! You said that yourself, Gaspy.”

The calico cat, fur untidy and matted, closed his eyes and contemplated. Should I tell them or not? He wondered. It might help… He sighed out loud.

“What is it?” Shannon begged. “What can we possibly do?”

Here goes nothing. “I’ve heard of stories…legends…that say that a doll who is moving on can be revived by the voice of its owner.” He hastened to add, “But we don’t have her voice right now, so that’s impossible.”

Rabbity, with a ghost of a smile on his furry face, said, “No, it is.”

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“We’ve done everything to save ourselves, right?” Shannon tiredly asks Gaspard, who is curled up in a ball of dusty fluff beside her. “Yes. We have.”He raises his head and nods.

She hesitates for a bit before asking tentatively, “Do you think that Emily truly cared for us, Gaspy?” He smiles for the first time in days. “Of course, Shan. She loved you, me, Rabbity, Lulu, Strawberry…” he trails off, lost in his own recollections.



She sighs. “I just it hadn’t been this way. That Emily still loves us enough to keep us alive.”

His grin widens. “But she did, didn’t she?” he mused, whiskers twitching. “She still loves us both enough to keep us from fading away…yet.”



“Yeah…” she grins as well. “Our hearts still belong to her… for now.”

He lets out a hiss, but manages to grin back through the sudden pain. “Not for much longer.”

Ah,
Toora, loora, loora
Toora, loora, li
Toora, loora, loora
It's an Irish lullaby

They both arch their backs in pain and agony, that were like knives constantly stabbing into their bodies, their souls, their hearts. “Not much longer now,” Shannon gasps, “Not much longer.”

Gaspard breathes, “Do you think we’ll ever meet Emily again, Shan?”

Shannon gave him a funny smile that made him grin back through all the pain. “I think so, Gaspy. After all, our hearts belong to…”

They shudder and shiver, convulsing on the dusty ground. Then they were gone.

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Emily raised her head, looking up at the bright blue sky as she sat in the train compartment. “What do you want to wear, Barbie?” she looked over to the plastic doll. “A frock or a pair of jeans?” She held up Shannon’s favourite frock.

“Hmm… The frock definitely looks better on you…” she decided, and dressed Barbie up. She tilted her head as she stared at her doll, and muttered, “You know, Barbie, you remind me of someone, but I just can’t remember…”

Ooo. This was so cool. Like a dark, intense Toy Story.

I really liked the way you incorporated the lulluby. The song's presence added another layer to the story (and, I think, contributed to the overall dark effect.) The choice of toys also made me smile-- and I could picture them perfectly stuck at home, panicking and carrying on as they faced their doom. Mwahaha!

Anyway.

What threw me initially was your decision to place pieces of the story out of chronological order. Because it was a short story, I wasn't really invested enough to want to have to puzzle out what was happening then. It also contributes a sort of unbalanced effect-- because there's an immediate conflict in both the opening and the chronological beginning of the story, the reader gets the impression that there actually are two entirely different story arcs going on (as opposed to having an action-packed chronologically out-of-place opening and then a more peaceful chronological opening.) Maybe you could rearrange the whole thing entirely into chronological order, or else backtrack the timeline to a point before Emily leaves or before the toys start freaking out?

Though I really, *really* liked how you jumped between the toys and Emily. The two different styles (and stories, even) are really defined and well-done.

At times I thought that maybe there were too many toys in the story. I got the sense that Shannon was your POV character, but there are also points that seem to be more from Rabbity's and that was a bit jarring.

I liked the dialogue...the toys edged into melodrama, which was completely endearing and propelled the crisis along.

Also, I didn't think "cliche" when I saw the title, but if you wanted to change it..."Moving On", maybe? Though I think that might be even more cliche-y.

Thanks very much for the read!

Hey Princess, here to review

First, it does remind me of the Toy Story franchise, and that's a tad unfortunate considering that the newest instalment of that series only came out recently. In Toy Story 3, we find that Daisy accidentally leaves her favourite toys at a park, and her parents/father buy her replacements, which is the backstory to your story. You deviate with what happens to toys that are replaced in children's hearts, but it is very similar to TS3 in that plot regard. On to the actual review:

Shannon desperately drags the tape recorder they found in under the bed into the middle of the circle. Gaspard uses all his remaining strength to pull poor dying Rabbity next to the machine. Please let this work, they prayed fervently. Please.

This is a bit confusing on many levels. We don't know who Shannon or Gaspard or Rabbity are, so basically you've dumped us into a situation where the reader knows absolutely nothing. And lol, why is the name Gaspard? Is that really a name a child will choose, especially if there is another character called "Rabbity"? Also, if this is in a train carriage, would there be a bed? Unless it's one of those travelling trains? You could lessen the confusion of the foreshadowing by describing the setting, and giving the characters some discernible attributes (which you do later on, but I don't see why these descriptions can't be placed here).

Probably should be, "Please let this work, they prayed in their individual ways, Please.", as at the moment, you've got a collective "thinking" phase. We know you're the narrator and you can say whatever you like, but telling the reader that they all prayed when they are "thinking" it, that's a bit hard to swallow. Just as if you had said in a highschool story, "They all lusted fervently in year eight."

The dolls gather around the tape recorder, like it was one of Emily’s campfires from seemingly a lifetime ago. The old dusty tape recorder crackles and crackles, trying to recall what it was supposed to do.

Campfires? What's that? It seems that Emily left a lot of toys behind. I don't know what's more realistic, saying she left a whole heap of toys, or she left her favourite ones. I have never lost a toy, because I was always aware of where it was, as I only had one favourite toy at a time. Perhaps you should mention somewhere that Emily did pack a few of her toys away, and these toys were the ones that had fallen behind the bed. Something to show that Emily and her parents aren't completely blind - a parent is always looking after a child's belongings, toys cost money, and so do replacements.

Come on! Shannon cries in her head. Please work! We’ve lost so many already! She didn’t even have the strength to say her words out loud anymore.

Gaspard closes his eyes. We need you, Em. We need you.

I've read the whole thing, and this whole part makes no sense. I'll come back to it later with my thoughts at the end.

Lightning struck and thunder rumbled up in the evening sky. The little girl curiously peered out of the train as it started to get darker and darker, and the clouds had started to gather over the vast expanse of hills. Shan doesn’t like rain, she mused to herself, luckily she’s safely in my backpack, warm and snug. She smiled at the thought of her darling dolly in the bag cuddling with Mr Rabbity Hare with and the others.

You've italicised thought before, so you should do it here as well

I really liked the descriptions here, and I wish this level of descriptive verse was present throughout the rest of the story, because you depict things beautifully

This also raised the question of the girl's intelligence - shouldn't she realize how much lighter her backpack is? Especially if her backpack was only filled with toys. I've guessed the girl's age as around four or so; still young enough to enjoy stuffed toys and Barbie dolls, but trusted enough to carry a backpack on a train. When my baby brother was four, he was always aware of what should be in his backpack for kindergarten: a water bottle, his extensive lunch box, a hat and a new jumper each day. He packed his own bag after mum made his lunch, and he never left his bag at the daycare. But maybe that's just an isolated case?

It would be many hours later till the little girl would discover that she had left poor Shannon and her other toys behind in the cabin.

That seems like a weak way to put it I think you could go into more elaboration of Emily and her parents getting off the train and hailing a taxi or something.

“She abandoned us all.” Professor Gaspard gracefully jumped from his precarious perch on the wooden stool, his creamy tail flicking.

Shannon hissed fiercely, “No, she didn’t! She just went out for a bit, that’s all.” Her little button eyes glared at the stuffed calico cat, daring him to say more.

Be careful with excessive use of adverbs. I have *no* idea what Gaspard is, and it would have made things so much easier if I knew what he looked like so I could visualize the scene. Also, what kind of train are they on that has wooden stools? Are they now somewhere other than the carriage where the bed was? Where are the train attendants who are tasked to clean the train of lost belongings and trash? How did the toys evade that? That would be a really fantastic scene to read.

Gaspard looked bemused. “You’re still just in self-denial, Shan.” His tail flicked towards the band of dolls miserably huddling together on the bed, “What do we mean to her anyway? You know her daddy’s gonna buy her a mockingbird and a diamond ring and all those other things if she lost us. We’re nothing but dolls. Easy to come by. Cheap.” His voice got lower. “Expendable.”

"Band of dolls" insinuates a whole heap of specifically dolls. Perhaps "toys" would be a better word?

Strawberry gasped. “You mean she’ll replace us, Prof?” Gaspard nodded. She started panicking, “Oh my god! We’re finally done for. No more tea parties. No more My Little Pony. No more combing my mane. No more---“

Where did this character come from? What is Strawberry? The gasping also seems a bit forced

Mr Rabbity Hare interrupted her. “Stop it, Strawberry,” he said crossly, “You’re giving me a headache.” He hopped over to where Shannon was sitting, his fluffy bunny tail bobbing up and down. “Gaspard, I think you shouldn’t talk about Emily leaving us behind,” he whispered urgently, “You’re scaring the rest of the group!”

The tortoiseshell merely raised an eyebrow. “There is nothing to fear but fear itself,” he observed wisely.

Shannon ignored his comment and defiantly raised her woolenwoollen head. “Emily’ll come and take us all back, just you wait and see, Gaspy.

Adverb abuse But I like the turtle line, that was really cute and clever. However, you could replace the turtle with an elephant, as elephants are supposed to remember everything and be really wise. But that's only an idea. Once again, a lot of description could be added her to make the story more in-depth.

“Where’s Shan?” the little girl cried as she hurriedly rummaged through her numerous bags full of clothes and towels and souvenirs from camp. “Where’s my dolly?”

See, if you had mentioned that she had that many bags beforehand, then the story would be a bit more believable. But now there are more holes - how can a child that young go on a camp? If she was alone in the carriage, that's unacceptable treatment of a child. When I went on a plane trip by myself when I was around 8, the airport assigned a caretaker for me the duration of the trip.

Mommy looked tired. “Em, I told you to pack up all your things carefully,” she scolded the little girl, who was now in tears.

And this would make more sense if the child got off the train by herself with the other children from this camp and the supervisor and met her parents at the station. I don't know if that's the way it happened, as it wasn't mentioned.

“I didn’t mean to leave Strawberry and Gaspy and Shan and Lulu and Rabbity behind!” she sobbed, clutching one of Shannon’s frocks to her chest. “I didn’t mean to!” Her Mommy sighed and silently left the room while the little girl howled in despair inside.

Who's Lulu?

She’ll forget about them once her father comes back with another load of dolls from his business trip, her Mommy thought to herself sagely as she strode down the hallway to call her spouse. She’ll be alright.

Really? I don't think anyone uses the word "sagely" anymore. The first time I read this I thought it said "savagely" which fits better. "Call her spouse" seems a bit formal, especially juxtaposed with "Mommy".

The tape recorder finally stops crackling, and unsteadily plays a hauntingly beautiful melody. Rabbity raises his head and weakly breathes a sigh of relief. Em’s lullaby.

I forgot to mention this earlier, but how could Emily leave her toys behind AND a tape recorder? Tape recorders don't even exist anymore really Not when you have MP3s that are cheaper and do the same thing. And a child wouldn't be trusted with an MP3 player anyway. Perhaps if one of the toys left behind had a ape recorder inside, like the Professor who is meant to recite the alphabet, but also has a function to record a small snippet of sound, which is a common toy function. Then the recording could be played through the Professor, making more sense.

The two other dolls muster all the remaining strength they have, and starts to sing along with the little girl’s sweet voice.

Which dolls?

She couldn’t help but question, was Gaspard right? She hugged herself more tightly, her velvet legs pressed against her cloth heart. Did she really care for us?

It would be really awesome to know what Shannon was. If she has velvet legs, what is she? If she's not a Barbie doll, how can Emily's new Barbie doll fit into Shannon's clothes?

He shrugged. She did the same thing with Joy and Vera and Angel, he thought as he carefully put the doll where Emily could see it --- on the windowsill --- why not Shannon and co?

You don't have to have "---", a simple comma would suffice.

Rabbity walked to and fro on the wooden floor, scowling and fluffy tail twitching. Why hasn’t she come back yet? He thought darkly to himself as he strolled across the cabin. Emmy does care for us, right?

He paced forwards and backwards, carrying out the argument in his head. As he fruitlessly tried to prove to himself that the sweet little girl did care, a shadow lurked in the corner of the room.

He closed his eyes, forcing himself to erase the heartbreaking images from his eyes. It always happens, he sadly thought to himself. The human always lets the dolls down.

She lifted up the Barbie and started straight into her eyes. She was enthralled by her pretty lipstick and makeup. I wonder if I could have that when I grow up, she wondered.

I would love to read this if it was expanded. If she explained what the new doll looked like and the setting of the room etc.

The aforementioned doll didn’t reply. Instead, she let out a huge sigh and looked from her woolen woollen hands to the calico cat. “You’re right as always, Gaspy.”

The "aforementioned doll" part seems out of place, you could just say "she".

Gaspard sighed and rested a paw on her woolen woollen shoulder. “Don’t be upset, Shan. We’re all still together. Even though that old miser abandoned us.”

Miser seems like such a strange word

“Uh-huh. We don’t need her, right guys?” Lulubelle oinked, her little pink tail flinging from side to side.

“Definitely!” echoed Strawberry. She looked around, “I mean, who needs a person to stroke your gorgeous mane, right?”

Shannon smiled. “Of course we don’t, Strawberry. We don’t need that stupid human.”

“Yeah, but Strawberry needs to be pampered, so she needs her the most,” Rabbity slyly said.

“I won’t let you start talking back to me yet, mister!” The dapple grey neighed huffily. They all laughed merrily.

While I appreciate what you're trying to do here, it comes off as fake. I think you need to add more emotion into it or something. Right now it seems like a copy of TS3 when the group of toys think Andy had put them in a trash bag for the rubbish and are at the daycare.

“No, Rabbity!” Shannon rasps. “Don’t leave us yet!”

"rasps" doesn't seem like the right word to use here.

Then he twitches for a while before he lays still, fluffy tail bobbing no more. Gaspard yowls and his paws press onto where Rabbity’s heart used to be, but his paws go right through the fading form of Mr Rabbity Hare. It glimmers for a moment before it disappears forever.

Wow, fantastic imagery.

I'm a bit confused as to why you've put this one before the explanation of what is happening (the part where Strawberry is disintegrating. I agree with the comment above me - sometimes its hard to follow the order of the story when it isn't in chronological order.

“Aah!” Strawberry screamed. The dolls rushed over to the dapple grey, who was kneeling on the ground.

“What is it?” Rabbity asked.

“If your pretty hooves ain’t hurting, then don’t say a word no more, missy!” Lulubelle threatened.

You forgot some enter spaces here that I fixed for you. Also, you use a lot of descriptive talking words when, "he said", "she said" is perfectly acceptable.

She shook her head. “I feel terrible,” she wailed. “My body is aching all over!”

Gaspard urgently asked, “Where does it hurt, Strawberry?” She gulped and whined, “Everywhere, Prof!”

“How What does it feel like?” he prompted, tail twitching nervously.

Some more missed enters.

“Like my body’s on fire!” she groaned, her head resting on Shannon’s shoulder.

Gaspard gasped and rested his head on his paws. “It’s too late,” he murmured sorrowfully.

More missed enters

They all turned to look at Strawberry as she suddenly let out a series of horrible wails and flung her head in all directions. They cringed as they looked in horror at her spasm on the floor.

After what seemed an eternity, she was silent, and her beautiful white mane flipped no more. She shined and shimmered for a while, basking in the sun’s glow, until she vanished into thin air.

Very pretty imagery!

“What was that?!” Shannon blurted, her little body shaking in fright.

Gaspard looked up and said in a low voice, “That, my friend, is what we call fading away. Or moving on.”

Missing enters. Try to only use one form of punctuation like that, either "!" or "?", not both.

They all stared at him, horrified. He continued quietly, “It means that Emmy has moved on with Strawberry’s substitute. Forever.”

You say "they all" quite a lot in this part.

Here goes nothing. “I’ve heard of stories…legends…that say that a doll who is moving on can be revived by the voice of its owner.” He hastened to add, “But we don’t have her voice right now, so that’s impossible.”

Rabbity, with a ghost of a smile on his furry face, said, “No, it is it's not.”

First, where did Gaspy hear these stories? And second, why would Rabbity be the one who knew where the tape recorder was?

Emily raised her head, looking up at the bright blue sky as she sat in the train compartment. “What do you want to wear, Barbie?” she looked over to the plastic doll. “A frock or a pair of jeans?” She held up Shannon’s favourite frock.

“Hmm… The frock definitely looks better on you…” she decided, and dressed Barbie up. She tilted her head as she stared at her doll, and muttered, “You know, Barbie, you remind me of someone, but I just can’t remember…”

Chilling.

So.

Overall, I rather liked the story It was fun to read, everything was grammatically correct, and it all flowed well (even despite the jarring non-chronological order). You took care with your punctuation and sentence structure like a pro. I liked the different sides of the story, and I think you pulled off the multiple time and character points of view rather well.

However, I couldn't help comparing it to the plot of TS3, and I tried not to, but the parallels were just too close. You also used too many adverbs and too many descriptive talking words - the reader doesn't need to be told that "Shannon gasped" or "so-and-so rasped" because what you write should show us that. I would love to read more descriptive prose throughout your work, because at the moment it's the bare minimum, an outline of what it could become, which is something epic and long and awesome

I do hope you expand this - don't worry about making it too long. Once I started reading, I couldn't stop, and once I started reviewing I only took a break because I had drunk too much Earl Grey tea You wrote an entire short story, with a plot, characters, backstory - it's fantastic. I can't write short stories, they are too hard So well done!

Looking forward to the changes you implement!

- Jai

Hey Princess! Here to review as requested. :] Here's how my reviews work, I split them up into three sections. Grammar, Plot, and Overall. Okay, so on to the review.

Grammar:
Wow! You did amazingly here. I can't really find anything to correct grammatically. This was very, very well written. I'm sorry I can't say much here. Meaningless did mention your adverbs and dialogue tags---while I agree you need to watch for them, I don't think it was overbearingly done, nor did it detract from your tale.

Plot:
I've never seen TS3, so I can't say if this parallels the film or not. I won't mention that, I think Meaningless covered it. I really, really liked this. I've always been a big TS fan, but I've never read anything like this. This was quite original. The mix up of chronology, you pulled it off with aplomb! I had no trouble keeping the events in order, and I was able to keep the characters straight. Only thing I can say you could improve on is the continuity. Meaningless mentioned things I noticed as well, such as the plethora of toys. Also, I disagree with her on a point. Who says this story MUST be modern day? I think the tape recorder fits perfectly. My thoughts are that, if you use current technology, your story will become dated so quickly and just...well...out. If you use past technology that all of us are aware of, you lose that issue. So, I say keep the recorder.

Overall:
Brilliant writing. I liked this a lot. It was well written, and while there are plot holes, the tale is charming enough where it isn't obvious. Also, the ending! That was splendid! Very good job! *Clicks like*

PM me if you have any questions, would like an explanation on a point. Remember to stop by my thread if you need another review, or you can simply PM me. :]

Keep Writing!
~Sporky

I really enjoyed this story... at first I was a bit skeptical, but the characters were very well developed, the dialog believable, and I thought the amount of description was perfect. I had no issues jump out at me while reading... it was very fluid, easily read (in a good way ). Overall, excellent piece. c:


Coral