TarponVille High

Chapter One: Welcome To TarponVille High
I could feel my heart pounding faster than my feet could hit the ground. A new school year and im already late. Thats what i get for sketching until four this morning. Finally i reached the school sign. My first year at TarponVille High School. I pushed my glasses back up on my face and hugged my sketch book tight as i walked up the cemit stairs and opened the door. I walked slowly to the front office desk and handed the secrtairy my paperwork. She looked me up and down and skimmed the paperwork with her uninterested eyes. "Your a freshmen...A Held Back Freshmen?" she asked tapping her red fingernails on her wooden desk.I nodded too destracted by her tapping nails to answer out loud. She looked at a boy who was walking past the office and called his name. "Jordy." he stopped dead in his tracks. "Take Ms. Isabella Jane with you. She's a New student in your class." she said piering over her specticals. I walked slowly toward him and followed him down the long hall keeping my eyes foucsed on my feet. "So..Your new?" he asked. I looked up "Yes im fifteen tho." "Thats ok im sixteen so dont be worried." He said smiling. He stopped at a big brown wooden door and turned the handle. Apparently my first class was Lab. Jordy walked off to his seat leaving me to that momment i dreaded most. I could feel the stares of the other students. My heart seemed to stop at that momment and i could feel my face getting red. The teacher pointed to the table with a blonde girl in a pink stripped shirt. I sat down and glanced at her from the corner of my eyes. She had such a bored look on her face as she twirled her blonde hair around her index finger. I broke my stare when the teacher turned on the burner at our table.

There were quite a few spelling mistakes... make sure you proof read your work. Also, this sounds a lot like twilight. I know that you haven't said that it was about vampires or anything yet, but just the way that the mc is a new student, is going to lab, and has a mysterious older guy show her around made me immediately reference Stephanie Meyer. Maybe change it up a little, and not make it such a cliche. =)
Keep writing!
-Tori

Torigirl15 wrote:There were quite a few spelling mistakes... make sure you proof read your work. Also, this sounds a lot like twilight. I know that you haven't said that it was about vampires or anything yet, but just the way that the mc is a new student, is going to lab, and has a mysterious older guy show her around made me immediately reference Stephanie Meyer. Maybe change it up a little, and not make it such a cliche. =)
Keep writing!
-Tori

Thanks alot for the advice and i didnt notice that it made refrence but ill be sure to take a look at "Twilight" so i dont make the mistake again.

PleasentDayDreamer wrote:Chapter One: Welcome To TarponVille High
I could feel my heart pounding faster than my feet could hit the ground. A new school year and im already late. Thats what i get for sketching until four this morning. Finally i reached the school sign. My first year at TarponVille High School. I pushed my glasses back up on my face and hugged my sketch book tight as i walked up the cemit stairs and opened the door. I walked slowly to the front office desk and handed the secrtairy my paperwork. She looked me up and down and skimmed the paperwork with her uninterested eyes. "Your a freshmen...A Held Back Freshmen?" she asked tapping her red fingernails on her wooden desk.I nodded too destracted by her tapping nails to answer out loud. She looked at a boy who was walking past the office and called his name. "Jordy." he stopped dead in his tracks. "Take Ms. Isabella Jane with you. She's a New student in your class." she said piering over her specticals. I walked slowly toward him and followed him down the long hall keeping my eyes foucsed on my feet. "So..Your new?" he asked. I looked up "Yes im fifteen thoThough." Always start a new paragraph when anyone speaks "Thats ok im sixteen so dont be worried." He said smiling. He stopped at a big brown wooden door and turned the handle. Apparently my first class was Lab. Jordy walked off to his seat leaving me to that momment i Caps 'I'dreaded most. I could feel the stares of the other students. My heart seemed to stop at that momment and i could feel my face getting red. The teacher pointed to the table with a blonde girl in a pink stripped shirt. I sat down and glanced at her from the corner of my eyes. She had such a bored look on her face as she twirled her blonde hair around her index finger. I broke my stare when the teacher turned on the burner at our table.

Chapter 2:Meet Taylor
"Im Ms Collins." The tall thin lady said as she placed a tube over the open flame. She turned and walked off to her desk. I glanced back at the girl beside me. She was still twirling her hair. I glanced around the room at the students some were sleeping,some texting and a few that seemed to be in there Their own world. I opened my sketch book and began to drift. As soon as i was finally confortable, i felt someone driving there eyes into me. I glanced up to see the blonde headed girl was looking at me. "What ya doing?" She said popping her gum. "Sketching." i said trying so avoid her stare. "Im Kate Smith she said." "Im Isabella Jane."I said keeping my eyes steady on my sketch. After Lab was finally over, I followed Jordy. I handed him a piece of paper and asked "Can you help me find my locker?" He glanced at the paper and looked up at the lockers. "Its this one." He lead me to locker on the end. I opened it and pulled out my favorite picture of my friend Madison and I from last years Halloween."Who's that?" Jordy asked. "Her name is Madison she was my best friend but, she moved last year." i said sadly. "Come on i know what will cheer you up." He grabbed my arm and pulled me outside. He lead me to a picnic table by a huge oak tree. "Shouldnt we eat in the cafiteria with everyone else?" "I hate the cafiteria Its too crowded." he said as he sat down smiling. I sat on the other side of the table and pulled out some snap peas and started to munch away. Then in the distance a boy started walking to us. Jordy stood up and high-fived him. "This is taylor, Taylor this is Isabella." Jordy said. Taylor smiled and took one of my snap peas and shoved it in his mouth and began to chew, but he got an aweful look on his face as if he had eaten somthing terrible. "That tastes like grass what you eating that for?" he asked spitting the rest on the ground. Jordy burst out in laughter. "Serves you right." Jordy giggled.

Okay
Those two chapter could just be one chapter. They are pretty short
THere is no link between Isabella and the reader. She's a little bit flat.
You tell so everything is just fact after fact. Show the reader- please check out this link-
post706992.html?hilit=show%20and%20tell#p706992
I pointed out some of your errors above, but you should still proofread.

I think thats it
PM or write on my wall if you have any questions
~Kit