Mint Thunder

I was traveling threw a happy land,
listening to my favorite band.
But I looked down and saw the sand,
looking all dark and tanned.
There was an arch and it made daylight seem dark.
Out of curiosity, I ran and ended up getting a tan.
Out of the Mint sand and a stolen ice cream cone, I climbed up the arch,
on the sand that was dark and shook my creation of a Mint ice-cream.
And like as in a dream , Mint ice cream fell all over me, and i dared not to scream.

Happy was I , I dared not to be sappy.
but my feelings of happy became happy.

When a storm of mint creation came all over .
and I hid under the arch for cover.

I feared I was annihilated, but I soon lost my addiction.
And now it is as if my dream was nonfiction.

It couldn't have been fiction in all its benediction?

When a storm of mint creation came all over .
and I hid under the arch for cover.
It couldn't have been fiction in all its benediction?

Phoenix lands to review
I like it but I think the rhyme scheme is a bit overly simplistic. It seems like you just wanted it to rhyme. Like the land and band ting is obviously just trying to rhyme and it shows. I like the progression of the piece but the rhyming should be scaled down a bit.

Another thing Over and cover do not rhyme They look the same but they have much different sounds.

But really tone down the rhyming.
Besides that I liked the flow and your tone so it was a good poem.

Phoenix flies away

Hey CardDragon,

This poem is a slave to your rhyming. You've made some pretty strange calls just to fit into it, and it suffers because of this. Benediction and non-fiction were particularly odd calls considering you were just writing about mint ice-cream. There's no consistency of voice, and no real obvious purpose to this work. It seems almost whimsical.

Happy was I , I dared not to be sappy.
but my feelings of happy became sappy.

Either that's a joke or you just haven't tried? I'm not sure. But it's lazy writing, and you can do better, I'm sure.

The first line should also be "through" not "threw".

Good luck in the future.

Hey Dude!
It could pay to be nice, this work didn't come from a elephant's behind.
Just because you know who to write poems better than me, doesn't mean you can just call it crude.
I do not know how to write a proper poem and it does has a point , more so than obvious.
It is about a boy who has an addiction, and he finally goes cold turkey when he becomes sick.
That was written in a bit of an angry rush...

CardDragon wrote:I was traveling through a happy land,
listening to my favorite band.
But I looked down and saw the sand,
looking all dark and tanned.
There was an arch and it made daylight seem dark.
Out of curiosity, I ran and ended up getting a tan.
Out of the Mint sand and a stolen ice cream cone, I climbed up the arch,
on the sand that was dark and shook my creation of a Mint ice-cream.
And like as in a dream , Mint ice cream fell all over me, and I dared not to scream.

Happy was I , I dared not to be sappy.
but my feelings of happy became sappy.

When a storm of mint creation came all over .
and I hid under the arch for cover.

I feared I was annihilated, but I soon lost my addiction.
And now it is as if my dream was nonfiction.

It couldn't have been fiction in all its benediction?

When a storm of mint creation came all over .
and I hid under the arch for cover.
It couldn't have been fiction in all its benediction?

OK the parts I found nit-picky are in red. Well I kind of liked this but it got somewhat confusing. Also the rhyming seems a little forced. This had good potential but it just needs work. Well that's all from me.
~Ladypurple

CardDragon wrote:Hey Dude!
It could pay to be nice, this work didn't come from a elephant's behind.
Just because you know who to write poems better than me, doesn't mean you can just call it crude.
I do not know how to write a proper poem and it does has a point , more so than obvious.
It is about a boy who has an addiction, and he finally goes cold turkey when he becomes sick.
That was written in a bit of an angry rush...

Hey man,

I'm sorry if you felt I was being rude, I was just giving my thoughts on what I read. It was part of a long and rushed Reviewing Sunday in which I read a great many poems and perhaps lost a little bit of niceness as it went on.

I didn't call it crude, and I don't think it is crude. I just think the attempt to make it rhyme kills it.

Some parts confused me when I read this, somehow in parts your rhymes were sort of off. It was like you were forcing the poem into rhyme. The repetition in this was sort of the same.

I was traveling threw a happy land,
listening to my favorite band.
But I looked down and saw the sand,
looking all dark and tanned.
There was an arch and it made daylight seem dark.
Out of curiosity, I ran and ended up getting a tan.

This is mostly where I thought of you repeating rhyme just to make it flow better, which is okay it's just not for every poem. That mostly it, I did like this poem so keep writing more! (:

-Kit

Hello ,

I like this. It has deep, almost hidden meaning which you have to really look for, but when you find it. It is really effective.

My only slight problem was that sappy was rhymed with sappy. I don't know if this was intentional or not, so feel free to clarify for me.

It has levels that I haven't seen in some of your other work, so you are definitely getting better. So well done.

PM for anything.

~Retro Disco666

I was traveling threw a happy land, I think you mean through?
listening to my favorite band.
But I looked down and saw the sand,
looking all dark and tanned. To me there are too many rhymes clustered, it throws off the flow.
There was an arch and it made daylight seem dark. You mentioned the word 'dark' in the last line, typically with poetry you'll want to avoid this, unless you mean to repeat this specific word several times, otherwise it becomes repetitive.
Out of curiosity, I ran and ended up getting a tan. Again with so much rhyming, it really does more harm than good, in the future you shouldn't have so many in one stretch. A rule of thumb to remember is that there are two basic types of rhymes, the ones that appear within the meat of the lines, and those that appear at the ends of the lines. I'd start off following one of these rules before trying other patterns, it's good practice and helps you get the flow part down.
Out of the Mint sand and a stolen ice cream cone, I climbed up the arch,
on the sand that was dark and shook my creation of a Mint ice-cream.
And like as in a dream , Mint ice cream fell all over me, and i dared not to scream.

Happy was I , I dared not to be sappy.
but my feelings of happy became happy.

When a storm of mint creation came all over .
and I hid under the arch for cover.

I feared I was annihilated, but I soon lost my addiction.
And now it is as if my dream was nonfiction.

It couldn't have been fiction in all its benediction?

When a storm of mint creation came all over .
and I hid under the arch for cover.
It couldn't have been fiction in all its benediction?

I hope I don't come off as harsh, but I'd like to help you improve. The main thing I'd like you to work on is your excessive use of rhymes. Without the heap worth clouding your work, I imagine it'd be rather interesting. It seems you have a really creative idea, and given a little revising this could be great. But you need a little practice and patience. I know some of the users here come off strong but they have the best intentions. Try to let the criticism help not hurt you, okay?

Good luck with your future writing!