The Car in the House

This is just a little snippet of.. something. I'm not quite sure what. I doubt I'll add on to it, make it a longer piece. Just a stand alone scene. Enjoy!



The car crashed into the house with a great force and fury, backed up, and did it again. The wall blew apart like glass under a hammer, insulation spearing through the dusty air. The hit was punctuated with a cry of triumph, a wild yell of joy. The man cooking breakfast in the kitchen sprinted to the living room, to see the gaping gash in the wall, a silver Ford Escort in the midst of it, and an angry, hysterical, but determined looking woman sitting the driver’s seat. He screamed, throaty and enraged.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing!”
The brunette woman cackled, bag-ringed eyes crinkling with the malicious laughter. She seemed only encouraged by his outrage. The movement of her arm seemed almost disjointed as she switched the car into reverse and threw it back without heed, crashing into the neighbor’s overly pruned hedges. Wheels turning just barely to the right, she threw the force of the car into the sagging building a third time, which was now ready to collapse on her in a broken retaliation. An unlucky window blew out from the force, shards of glass showering just inches in front of the man.
“What the fuck?” The man ran up to the car, beating on the hood, as if unsure what else he could do. She grinned. Then, he realized his mistake and jumped back, further into a room near a wall.
“This is for the other women! I know about them! All of them! I know there were dozens!” High pitched and anger filled, the woman’s voice was a harpy’s shriek.
He inwardly sighed and screamed simultaneously. “There were never any other girls, Sharon! Why are you so ...fucking delusional! Shit!” Sharon’s already pinched face screwed up, losing all signs of possible mercy and humanity. The laughter was gone from her shadowy eyes.
“Stop! Lying!” Each word was punctuated with the backing up and ramming of her dented car into his house, smashing the fence on the last hit. He yelled in angry dismay and looked around for something he could do. The house groaned in response to the woman’s efforts, half hewn boards creaking and trying to find support in order to avoid the ground. Looking down, he saw the phone on the ground amidst gray rubble. With his eyes still cast up and watching the car, he grabbed it, fingers ramming into the ground in his abandon.
“Fuck this. I hate women.... Police? Yeah, I have this crazy bitch of an ex here, destroying my house and livelihood...”

Hello, Persephoneia.

The movement of her arm seemed almost disjointed as she switched the car into reverse and threw it back without heed, crashing into the neighbor’s overly pruned hedges..

You only need one period, but I'm sure this wasn't intentional.

“This is for the other women! All of them! I know about them! All of them! I know there were dozens!”

Repetition of the phrase "All of them".

Sharon’s already pinched face screwed up, her face losing all signs of possible mercy and humanity.

The second mention of her face is unnecessary, it just makes it sound repetitive.

The laughter was gone from her shadowy eyes. “Stop! Lying!” Each word was punctuated with the backing up and ramming of her dented car into his house, smashing the fence on the last hit.

Start a new paragraph when someone speaks.

This was fun to read, and I especially liked the last line.

This chick is really crazy, I know she's angry but, man, that's bit extreme. She rammed her car into his house, well at least he'll got a lot of money from insurance.

There weren't many mistakes in this and I'm glad I got a chance to read it. Well, buh-bye!

Hey Persephonia!!
This story is really good, short but good, not giving away too much and showing us instead of telling us. I think the dialogue was just the right amount. I really liked it, the emotion that flowed through it was really good. You might want to work on the hook a little more, just to make it a little more appealing. The hook should catch the reader's attention immediately, I liked your hook but it needs just a little more work. Another really good thing about your story is that-at least in my opinion- you were able to keep the reader's attention all through out the story and that's awesome because that means that the reader's mind was not derived from the story.

Just one thing, I would like to know more about the man, what he looked like? How was his expression? How was the effect he had on the main character? By the way, I really like your main character and I think it is really well built. The description of the actions was good mostly because you described it instead of throw it at us. Also, I would like to know a bit more about Sharon, just a little more of her, of her story, of what was going through her mind in that instant.

Hope I helped.
XOXO
Pudin

Braking things is fun. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I like how you had a scene and just wrote it out, not bothering the fact that its in the middle of something else. I'm going to have to try that as a way to get random scenes out of my head. Other then that I can't think of much else that the other reviewers didn't already say other then I liked how you described the destruction caused by the car. I hope I helped and that you keep writing. ^_^