Nightmare Hosiptal.

I wish I would awake, but the words in my dreams seam to bake.
Just right into one nasty stake that I ate.
Not right while awake.

The voices are sweet and negative, just because of my doctor's choices.
Now I can hear not just my dream, but the voices of all mankind's dreams
and now my mind is overloading at the seams.

Floating through dreams will make you wise, and crazy to your own demise.
Now that night, I knew I was finally going to lose the battle.
To contain a human- like mantle.

If I'd ever awake again, I go back into time to stop this from happening all from which it began.
The endless sleep ascended and became anything but deep, and now I realize it was dream
created from mankind beams. So now I can not go back to sleep, or I'm afraid I'll descend to deep.
__________________________________________________________________________________
This poem is about a person dreaming about being treated for a sleeping disorder,
but they're medication goes horribly wrong.

Frist off, I read through this twice: I was lost. Then I noticed the red epilogue: it made more sense. However, I dont think you hit the mark, but this really isn't an experience that I, or most people for that matter, can relate with. With that in mind, you might want to retool this to make the message a little bit more clear.

Unless there's a pun that I'm not catching there's two typos in the first stanza: "seam" should be "seem" and "stake" should be "steak." And the image itself seems disjointed from the rest. (Or maybe he's baked on the drugs?)

Also, I'm having trouble tying the references to man kind to the narrative. Again, the chief problem with this is clarity. But it's an interesting experience with many ways to expand it.

This is really cool...i could see this more as a rap honestly. The first stanza especially. As i was reading it it sounded like I was rapping. nice job

This was really good. It took me a while to get it, but after my "ohhh!" moment, it was an odd kind of beautiful. There was more rhyming in the first stanza than the rest and that threw me for a loop, but I can't tell if it would be better with it or not. I think if you were interested, you might want to play with that a bit. Also, in the third stanza first line you say "awake", but I think it would sound better with wake. It kind of depends though the way you want your poem to feel. I also really, really like the title.(: I always stink at making titles, so yours really amazed me. I enjoyed how unique and thoughtful your poem was. I have never read anything like it before. It was the kind of poem that made you think, and I am a thinker. So, I loved it. Nice work!

Much love and best wishes,
Morgan(:

thank you for commenting.