Empty Music

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1326
Reviews 4
So i wrote this based on an experience I had and while i know exactly what's going on in the poem I wonder if other people would. So if you could please give me a hand here and tell me if this makes any kind of sense, that would be great. Also reviews would be nice, I don't normally write poems, prose is more my style. Thank you for the help

``greyson``

Empty Music

Spit dips from the mouthpiece
Of the silver belled instrument
That dangles upside down in his hands

She writes the music of her heart
On that old crinkled sheet of paper
And asks him to play for her

He laughs and tries
But the notes won’t come out
To her disappointment

His hands are shaking and
And everything comes out jumbled
Like the way he feels inside

He wants to scream
Because all she sees
Is the person who broke her best friend’s heart

Somebody who will play for her
If only to make that mistake up to her
Because he knows whom he really loves

The music is all the same
The soundtrack of a love
That begun far to late
Summoned, I come.
In Valen's name I take the place that has been prepared for me.
I am grey.
I stand between the candle and the star.
We are grey.
We stand between the darkness and the light.
THE GREY COUNCIL - Babylon 5




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 6630
Reviews 43
Nope I really didn't get it. Who's the best friend? I was grossed out by the spit part in the beginning. Not a good start to the poem. What's the theme of this? What does this poem mean?
Please follow me on all my writing quests by clicking "Follow" on my Profile. Thanks!

Popularity Wars Chapter Three is now here:
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post735878.html#p735878

Please review!! Love ya!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 719
Reviews 562
Honestly, I really don't agree with the first review...
the spit was not disgusting. That's ridiculous.
I will say, however, that the part about the "best friend" was somewhat random, as the piece began sounding ambiguous. However, I thought this was otherwise extremely good!
I would recommend rephrasing "comes out" in "And everything comes out jumbled" because you used that phrase so recently before. I would also put *began* at the end, rather than *begun*.
Great piece. c:

Coral



If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf.
— Lemony Snicket