please God

please God
don't abandon me!
not when i need you most.
i'm hurting badly
and i want to cry
but i can't
not now

por favor Díos
mi alma está cansada
y no puedo hacer
sin tu ayuda

it is as if
the heat stifles
my tears and
leaves me bare

tengo sueño
y yo necessito
tu comodidad
y tu voz apacible

and it's all i can do
to lie down
on my bed
and worry
about things far
in the future

quiero tu mano
en mi espalda,
quiero el calor
de tu respiración
en mi cuello

and i know i've been bad
and i am ashamed
i want to run away
and bury myself in Your arms

tengo miedo,
tengo mucho miedo.
y te llamo ahora.
por favor Díos,
me ahorras.

please God,
don't abandon me...

The spanish adds a nice touch. But first to the english words, interesting, full of feeling, it, flows nicely around the spanish, but theres one line

but i can't myself

You have to read it twice to understand it, its just i dont know what you can't do.

The Spanish, translated i doubt it holds the same effect as reading it as a spanish speaker, but its a good outlet type of thing, hard to explain, but it fits, it goes, the third spanish verse sounds a little corny though. I like it, in all.[/code]

The integrated spanish is pretty cool. If you don't understand it though, it's just something more to ignore, which you don't want. Take the line that is the most powerful from each verse and repeat it at the end in Spanish- it'll be a lot smoother. Especially for people who aren't bilingual.

Overdone.

Oy, that's helpful.

With Incandescence's reply in mind, I read it again and have to agree

'and it's all i can do
to lie down
on my bed
and worry
about things far
in the future'

Is a bit overdone. You repeat the same idea in the stanza above it. If you got rid of that one it'd be a bit shorter and a lot less repetitive.

Absolutely right, Incan.

Now, one of the worst traps a writer can fall into is being too emotional while writing something. Even poetry, which is very emotional by itself, shouldn't be written when someone is so upset that she cannot think. This lends itself to be very... er... true, but also tends to be much overblown.

When you edit something, you try to make it convey the feeling without overblowing it to such a degree that it becomes corny. Which, me being a terrible writer at 1 am, couldn't seem to do yesterday. XD

There's one thing I do like about the poem, and that would be the Spanish/English contrast of what is being said and how it is being said. Other than that...

Let's edit!

Spanish adds a nice flavor, but the English lacks depth.

remember me!!?? you liked my name!
about youp poem i agree with timjim77 and i dont understand Spanish. i didn't get the entire theme of the poem, but that's my problem. u can't expect a half cat half human(that's me!!) to get philosophy.

My only critique is that the spanish really doesn't translate what you are saying in the English. I hope that you weren't trying to translate with la espanol, porque no es mas bueno. Sorry. But it is a nice idea/touch, though.

Oh no... they're two different parts. The Spanish is very simple and is pleading for help in a childlike manner and the English is being wishy-washy about it, looking over my feelings and stuff. Which is why I like the differences. But I don't like anything else about it.

And now I find this poem embarrassing. Ugh...

Don't look at this as an example of my work! I can do better!