book one chapter one

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hello this is my first submission please i could use advice let me know if you want more or i can start over or write a new book. thanks

chapter one: by Francis A Mckeon

Before the dawn of mankind when the earth was created and the sun rose on the first day, the gods who were ageless gathered over the small planet earth. Each had contributed and made the small planet good. There were fish and other sea life in the ocean and upon the land roamed many four legged animals, but the gods who were wise saw that there was no animal to take advantage of the wonderful home they were given. So Filre the god of light knowing he could not do it by himself asked the other gods to help him create an intelligent creature. Each god seeing it was beneficial to all came and created the first human soul. Filre god of light gave the human soul a physical body. Mira goddess of neutrality gave each of the humans their own will giving them the choice to do good or bad. And Neros god of darkness cursed each of the humans with mortality. After the earth was inhabited the gods waited and watched to see how the humans would act. At first the humans seemed oblivious to the gods who watched from above and only seemed to interact with their own species but as the humans matured as a race they finally seemed to notice the beings of higher power who watched over them. The gods who waited so long to be noticed had finally gotten their wish. The humans then started the first primitive worship, Filre saw the worship and loved it it made him feel good and with worship filre’s godship and power increased. Filre god of light saw his powers rising above his siblings and himself knowing he was the god of good thought it for the best he thought the world would benefit from total light. Most of the humans picked Filre god of good and of light and were afraid of Neros for all humans instinctively feared the dark. The humans picking the good god and the few who worshiped the dark or neutral god began to feud about which god was better, debates became harsh arguments and arguments gave birth to hate and hate to war. When the gods looked down to see their creatures killing each other for their sake they were thrown into grief and decided to wipe out the humans as a whole but destruction requires creation. If the gods killed all the humans the balance of natural order would be thrown off and one god would be stronger than another. The gods looked to Filre and seeing his mistake warned Filre a god who walks in darkness is as blind as one blinded by to much light. Mira and Neros bound him in a mortal body and hurled him down on earth bound for a thousand years for Filre to reflect on his mistake. Filre swore revenge and he has never been seen since only the gods know where he is now…
Elhorn Hollysharp or Filre a god sentenced to humanity shut his book. No, even the gods did not know where he was because Filre in a human body was lost in the massive amount of humans. To find him would be like to find a five legged ant in a giant ant pile. The caravan that rolled across the desert now was lurching as the dunes of sand collapsed under the wagon’s weight. The tarp across the wagon put Elhorn in cool darkness. Elhorn wore a gray leather tunic and a small dagger on his waist band his normal black armor marking him as a priest of Neros sat in a polished case sitting aside next to his sword. A long blade it shone with a polished gleam it was unnecessary most priests did not use the sword it was big and clumsy and magic was an easy replacement with a word Elhorn could hurl an orb of fire, with a gesture snuff out the small flame called life. But everything had a price the magic was dangerous the mince pronouncing of a syllable could prove deadly. Elhorn had spent years mastering it and based on his previous knowledge as a god he mastered the task that would have taken decades in his first 2 years as a human. Filre was certain Nero would kill him if he knew where he was and here Filre was sitting under the nose of the dark god himself. Elhorn was the name Filre had decided to take after his binding as a human. The constant trotting of the horses leading the caravan was silent on the sand but now Elhorn could hear the trot against the soild ground. He rose and crawled out of the canvas covered wagin seeing if they neared their destination. Sure enough the terrain around them had turned green and the occasional sprout of grass rose out of the sand. What was in front of Elhorn made him almost fall of the wagon. Ahead looking out over the ledge sat in a large valley a huge army giant bond fires littered the camp and rose up into the bright red sky as the sunset. Elhorn knew now they had reached their destination.

to be continued...




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Hey,

I shall be your reviewer.

You have a solid story line and I want to see where this goes, but it is way to fast. I think you should describe each of the gods. Describe what they did more. Describe the humans arguing. Describe the wars and arguments. Then describe him being bound by a mortal.

The main problem is that everything lacks description.

Mira and Neros bound him in a mortal body and hurled him down on earth bound for a thousand years for Filre to reflect on his mistake.


This is a good line. But here is just an idea of the type of things I think this need.
Mira and Neros bound him a mortal body. He was stripped of everything god like. His appearance was altered. His voice altered. Everything altered to make him human. Neros wanted him dead, but Mira manged to sway him. She had a way with words. They threw him to the planet they had created. Their work was now his world. Filre sought revenge.

I'm not saying write that, but I wanted to show you the length and the description and length you could add.

This story has true potential, and I really want to read more. My advice would be to try this again, and implement some of my changes. It is your story though, so do what you will with it.

If you re-do it, let me know and I shall review it for you.

Keep writing. PM for anything.

~Retro Disco666
'I have loved to the point of madness, which for me is the only true way to love'
~Francoise Sagan



The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal.
— H. L. Mencken