Becoming a Purser Chapter One

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“Ali, Ali come quick!” my sister’s voice rang out behind me.
“Sarah don’t you dare ever do that to me again.” I said patting my chest.
“Fine whatever, just come on.”
“Sarah, what do you want?”
“There’s a meeting in twenty minutes. Let’s go.”
“Oh crap why didn’t you say so?” I jumped from my bed and rushed through the narrow hallway that connected my family’s bedrooms. My own bedroom was the smallest one at the end of the hall. Sarah rushed to knock on each bedroom we passed. She was like large humming bird collecting nectar from each flower she came across. Still she was quicker than I and she had put on her cloak before I had reached the hooks. My mother, father, and brother had just stumbled lazily into the den.
“Sarah, Ali what is so important that you had to wake us all up?” my father’s voice was tainted with exhaustion.
“Blame her, she woke me up first.” I teased. Everyone looked at Sarah. Instead of explaining, she simply swung open the front door. Looking out that door was like looking into a portal to another world. In the world of my own home, it was calm, quiet, and organized. In the outside world through the portal that is door, it was simply chaotic. There were people rushing around and around, trying to find friends and family.
A meeting around here was a really big deal. This is because of the fact that they are rare. The only happen for births, deaths, or major events. People hope for the best but expect the worst. It was a way of life. It had been since 3064 when civilization collapsed.
By now we were all taking our seats in the huge stadium. All one thousand, seven hundred, sixty seven of us had a seat. Our Great Elder, Aaron stood before us, a reassuring smile spread across his face. Breaths of relief filled the stadium at this calming gesture.
My sons and daughters,” he began “Some nine hundred, fifty nine years ago, a great tragedy happened. A nuclear war had sparked among the major countries of the world. It lasted for little over thirty two days and was not only the shortest war ever fought but also the deadliest. The war ended on November seventh 3064. The day the last two fighters died in a head-on plane collision.
“Although the last of the six point five trillion fighters had died, the world was not completely unpopulated. Three thousand people had survived the countless bombings. They were alive despite the utter destruction and coming winter, they were alive, and grateful.
“Those people, our ancestors, despite the protection they offered each other during wartime, conflicted. They had different beliefs as all individuals do. They decided to split. There were three elders who gathered the people with the similar beliefs as them. The three thousand people split evenly. They became the Savorians, the saviors. Those people strongly believed that they had saved the people. Then there were the Pursers, the pursuers, they were the hunters and the spies. And finally, we, the Amitians who believe in peace amongst all were the last group to form.” This last mention of we the Amitians made me want to snort and scoff. I didn’t pick this group but I knew if I told anyone I would be punished. This is why I have told no one that my greatest wish is to be a Purser. Everyone in the group was expected to share mutual beliefs. I had heard people who disliked their group. They were talked about in secret and eventually shunned from their own community. I then noticed that Aaron had stopped talking and the aisles were crowded with the members of my community. My mother was shaking my shoulder lightly. I turned around.
“Ali, how could you? When our Great Elder speaks you are to listen.” my mother’s voice sounded appalled.
“I’m sorry.” I lied flawlessly as I did whenever spacing out on some kind of Amitian talk.
“Yes, well of course you are.” my mother said while the look in her eyes said that she didn’t believe me in the slightest. All the same considering she wouldn’t dare ruin our family name by telling anyone. She was too proud of being the perfect Amitian.
She led me away from the stadium rambling on in a hushed tone about “the long line of proud Amitians” I came from, the ones that “set examples for the future Amitians of Amitia.” Every now and again I’d roll my eyes and mumble a few snappy comebacks that were almost inaudible.
“Now Ali you are to go straight to your room and do not come out. Eric will bring you your dinner.” she ordered when we arrived at our front door. She opened her mouth to say something but I didn’t stick around to hear it, I opened the door and strode through the house and to my room.
Not even ten minutes later Sarah burst into my room, her expression filled with shear joy. “Oh my, Can you believe it?” she was practically jumping for joy as the words spilled out of her in a rush. I cocked my head and raised my eyebrow. I could have nodded and smiled, pretending to know what she was talking about and avoid a possible rant but I really was curious. Everyone was acting differently somehow. Instead of a boring universal feeling if indifference and normalcy, a mixture of all emotions possible rang through the Amitian community. So instead of acting like I knew what happened, or what was happening, or what was going to happen I wore a confused expression and braced myself for the prolonged, extended review of what happened at the meeting. Then, to my surprise, Emma said the briefest thing I have ever heard leave her lips, “Oh my you didn’t hear? Oh well, the Savorians, and the Pursers are coming here, to Amitia! Can you believe it?” I was waiting for the rest when I realized there was no more. Sarah was just sitting there, waiting for my reply. Then the force of her words hit me. My jaw dropped and I jumped to my feet in surprise. Pursers were coming to Amitia! This was amazing! Sarah’s face showed her approval of the enormity of my reaction.
“Oh. My. Gosh.” I said, dicing each word of my sentence into a sentence of it’s own to keep from screaming. I was bouncing up and down on the balls of my feet. “Are you serious?” I squeaked. Sarah nodded her head with a casual smile.
“But…….” my sister’s smile faltered.
“But…….” I prompted.
“But they won’t exactly be staying in the community.”
“Where’ll they be staying then?”
“They will be staying a few miles out in the wilder parts of Amitia.”
“So, they’ll still be here in Amitia…Won’t they?”
“”Yeah,”
“How long will they be staying?”
“It’s not official but I heard they would stay for about a week.”
“Sarah, come in here and set the table.” dad called, ruining my moment of marvel.
Sarah rolled her eyes before sighing and saying, “Okay dad, one sec.” She flashed me a toothy smile and walked from the room with an innocent bounce in her step. An act commonly used to hide a wrong doing in our household. I laughed a small, forced laugh to please my sister which evaporated my door clicked shut.
I let my mind wander and the smile creep back to my features as it wandered to Purseria and the Pursers. I imagined their land. They’re hunters and spies so their homes and other buildings are probably disguised and equipped with ultra high security systems. Their schools probably practice weaponry training and covert operations. My stomach churned with longing. How badly I wanted to be one of them. I longed to creep around unnoticed and gather information that I was being depended on to gather and report.
I was so immersed in my fantasies that I almost didn’t notice my brother, Derrick bring in my dinner. It was quick and silent. He came in, put my dinner on my bedside table, and walked out. He didn’t even look up; he just stared at the floor. Derrick is the quiet type. He always was. He doesn’t say much. Mom insists it’s his way of “keeping peace” and not “acting out,” everyone else thinks he’s just strange.
“’Bye,” I whispered long after he had left the room. My whisper crept around my room and found its way back to my ears. It was as if instead of whispering to the empty air, my lips spoke to the passing wind brought through my open window, and it felt the urge to return my whispered words.
I leaned back on my bed, ignoring the plate on my bedside table. Derrick had entered my room, my bubble of thought so packed with thoughts of Pursers and Purseria that another inhabitant, like Derrick, would burst it like a needle through to the core. Purser thoughts began to fade from my mind. My world of fantasies melted away in the bowels of my mind. Instead, darkness clouded over me until I was consumed. I was consumed by the darkness that is sleep.


The morning sun slipped in through the still open window next to the window near my bed bringing in the soft, dull heat of the morning. It was a very nice way to wake up. Then, I remembered a tidbit of what Sarah had been babbling about. She had said, “They’re going to come! They’re going to come tomorrow! Can you believe it?!” I tried to calm myself down, but it was too late. I was already jumping as if on a pogo stick, and screeching incomprehensible gibber gabber with a pitch of a dying bat.
My door burst open and my dad stormed in with a baseball bat. “What is it? What’s going on? Is it a spider, a mouse, a rat, an intruder? What is it? What’s wrong?” he yelled, scanning the room cautiously.
I sat down quickly. “Oh it was nothing.” I laughed nervously and plastered on a cheesy, fake smile. I couldn’t help but shift a little in my seat. I didn’t know why I wasn’t just telling him the truth that I was excited for our brothers and sisters to arrive.
“Well then, now that you’re awake, come outside, our brothers and sisters were spotted just two miles outside Amitia.”
It was all I could do to keep from returning to my former action. They were only two miles away! The Pursers were only two miles away!
I nodded at my father and he left the room. A split second later I was off my bed, back to my pogo action. I let out what could have been a screech if I hadn’t interrupted it by slapping my hand over my mouth so fast that when I blinked I missed the whole action. My only reminder I had moved my hand at all was the dull shock of the impact.
I was soon zipping around my room trying to figure out what to wear, how to act, and what I should do in general. I felt like I was getting ready for a date, not a visit from foreigners.
“Ali, come downstairs. Our brothers and sisters are here” My mothers voice was disapproving, either she didn’t approve of the visit or she was worried that I’d zone out and embarrass the whole community. I could just see her tight lipped expression, lips pursed, eyes serious and face tighter than a fully stretched rubber band. At first I was unsure whether or not to go out there and risk a lecture on the proud history of Amitia and the Amitians.
“Coming,” I finally yelled and ran out the door. It was now or never.




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You write descriptively, but you have long paragraphs full of information that is hard to take in all at once. I found myself struggling to get through some of your text. You should try breaking down some of your paragraphs.
You used dialogue really well, though.

I do have some criticisms about the story. You try and put all the history and explanation into several paragraphs of dialogue. It's an interesting tale but hard to read that way. Maybe try working it into the story, scattering the tale in paragraphs throughout your writing.
Also, all but your main character--and even her, to some extent--seemed kind of flat. You didn't really get into her relationship with most of her family, or how her community views her.

I then noticed that Aaron had stopped talking and the aisles were crowded with the members of my community. My mother was shaking my shoulder lightly. I turned around.
“Ali, how could you? When our Great Elder speaks you are to listen.” my mother’s voice sounded appalled.
“I’m sorry.” I lied flawlessly as I did whenever spacing out on some kind of Amitian talk.


This was the first time we ever really got a glimpse of the character's conflict. It was kind of an abrupt introduction to her conflict.

I would encourage you to work more on breaking this down and not giving so much detail at once. That being said, some of your descriptions were absolutely beautiful and should be preserved. I especially liked the following:

She was like large humming bird collecting nectar from each flower she came across.


The morning sun slipped in through the still open window next to the window near my bed bringing in the soft, dull heat of the morning.


I could just see her tight lipped expression, lips pursed, eyes serious and face tighter than a fully stretched rubber band.


Those just really jumped out at me. Keep writing, this is a great idea. PM if you have any questions.




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Hi there Brooklyn

This was quite an interesting piece, I must say.

You lay the foundations of what might become a really wonderful story. Well done. :)

Firstly, I'd like to reinforce to points made by Enigma which really would help your story. The first is the information overload that we have in this chapter, while the second is the mode through which you communicated this information to us.

An entire history of a world and a culture is something that takes time to get to know. If you really want to impress this culture deeply upon the reader you need to exercise a little more patience. Take it a little slower and introduce us to the information that we know when we need to know it rather than shoving it all down our throats at the same time. Mastering exposition is truly one of the most difficult things to do as a writer, but I think you can do it.

Also, when you give us information you need to ensure that the context in which you give it to us is viable and believable. In your story, I cannot imagine that any of the people who attended the meeting did not know the history of the Amitians. As such for the Elder to tell it to the tribe is very out of place. Everything needs to slip into place rather than be put into place. Can you create the scene that is real enough to just work when you write it? That's the one question that I'd like to see you answer.

Your character has all of the hopes and dreams that make the perfect protagonist. I'm really impressed by that. You do need to try to work on giving us his reasons. All we know now is that Ali dislikes the Amitian culture, but for no reason that has been sufficiently expounded upon. You need to convince us that your protagonist's qualms create a case to make it worth supporting a character through an entire book.

To put it down in one sentence, I think that the main thing you should work on is placing your story in believable context that creates a story that is worth reading and pushes the reader to read forward.

Good luck!
#TNT

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
-- Robert Frost

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On some days, my will to write disappears faster than a donut at a police station.
— Arcticus