Journey of a dead man

My first attempt at trying to write something 'original'.
Plan on writing a short story everyday for the next 2 months in an attempt to improve my writing so criticism is very welcome.

Thanks for reading

Journey of a dying man
He enters, pauses, listens, yet hears nothing; he hears no screams as he slices his naked feet on the serrated surface nor hears the voices from a passing fancy; he descends, deeper, into the darkness unloading the burden of his nostalgia; leaving behind what was once his; and slowly sinks into solemn; into numb.

He grips his rifle firmly fearing it may slip away, his arms shake; it has grown heavy, yet -- he glances at it with ardent eyes, as he always does, as if seeking comfort; this abject of solace, the last of his friends for which he to, feels resent. He staggers forward, exhausted he appeals for hospice against the toothed wall. He breathes heavily yet is extinguished by the overbearing silence, that terrible silence, unyielding as the passing day. He makes a fleeting glance over his shoulder grasping onto the last remnant of his humanity until finally; he lets go.

Hi there newbie! *hugs the newb*

So, this is a really short piece and it’s not a lot to work with. The first thing I have to say, though, is that you’ve got enough semi-colons for a small country in that first paragraph. No, really, there are a lot.

The thing that I think this lacks is detail. You describe, but you don’t really answer any of the six big questions (Who? What? When? Where? Why? How?). Well, you sort of answer how, I guess: by rifle. You don’t have to answer all of these but WHY is almost always an essential. What is driving him to do this? He needs some sort of reason for doing what he’s doing. You’ve got to reach into that into the story, grab all of the necessary details, and stick them on the page.


Oh, and because you’re new, you should probably head on over to the Welcome Mat and introduce yourself to everyone. And review! Don’t forget to review! When you review others, others will review you!

Comments and corrections in red.

GuntaFX wrote:My first attempt at trying to write something 'original'.
Plan on writing a short story everyday for the next 2 months in an attempt to improve my writing so criticism is very welcome.

Thanks for reading

Journey of a dying man
He enters, pauses, listens, yet hears nothing; he hears no screams as he slices his naked feet on the serrated surface This last bit isn't working for me. It comes across awkward and forced - as if you tried too hard. Revise? Also, why would anyone scream if it's his foot that's bleeding? oO nor hears the voices from a passing fancy; I'm not sure about two semicolons in one sentence. Why not just cut it into several different sentences instead? he descends, deeper into the darkness, unloading the burden of his nostalgia, leaving behind what was once his; and slowly sinks into solemn; into numb. Okay okay wait. There are so many semicolons in that sentence and I'm not even sure if they're correctly used. Even if they are correctly used, you'll want to ease up on semicolons. They're incredibly noticeable and they seriously threw me off the flow of your prose and chucked me out of the story. In short - stop using semicolons. Once in a while is okay, but that paragraph-in-a-sentence there is an obsessive love affair with semicolons gone wrong.

He grips his rifle firmly, fearing it may slip away. His arms shake; it has grown heavy, yet -- he glances at it with ardent eyes, as he always does, as if seeking comfort; this object of solace, the last of his friends for which he feels resent. Too elaborately phrased. There's beautiful prose, and then there's forced prose. This has crossed the line to the latter. He staggers forward. Exhausted, he appeals for hospice against the toothed wall. He breathes heavily yet is extinguished by the overbearing silence When you say that I think he dies because of the silence. Is that what you truly mean, or did you mean the sound of his breathing was extinguished by the silence? There's a difference., that terrible silence, unyielding as the passing day. He makes For all that you used big words up there, you used "makes" here. Make is a rather weak verb. Change it. a fleeting glance over his shoulder, grasping onto the last remnant of his humanity until finally, he lets go.

Final thoughts:

This is very short so there is little to work with, but I can point out several flaws. First, as Lily pointed out, there are way too many semicolons. You use them way, way too much. I used to adore the em-dash too, but even then I didn't use it this much. It's okay to use semicolons but don't overdo it. They're not like periods and commas - they're way more noticeable and they're much more annoying. Use them sparingly. When you revise this, burn 99.99% of all semicolons you find. Leave one at most.

Next, Lily also pointed this out - there is no description. Normally I'm all for minimalist styles where the authors don't chuck in blocks of description, but it doesn't mesh with the style of prose you used here. Your prose here is wordy, grand. I expect to see more description if you plan on using this type of prose. Give us more to work with. Even if he's in the darkness then he should be feeling something. Cold? Hot? Does it stink? If there is absolutely nothing, then show us more fear. He would be very, very panicky if he can't see or do much. I would also like to see more feelings. More thoughts. It just seems bland right now.

I can't crit your character because this is too short for me to actually see any characteristics pop out.

I seriously advise you to expand this since it's supposed to be a short story and I don't see a plot anywhere.

Now I'm not saying your style is bad. Actually, I sort of enjoyed this. It was the avalanche semicolons and the occasional awkward phrasing that killed it for me.(I'm not sure I'm making sense, though. oO) I think what I'm trying to say is this: revise this, give it more of a plot, expand it, get rid of the semicolons and then PM me for another review, because I'm somewhat interested.

This review was made of my opinion. PM me if you have any questions about this review.

Sincerely,

Kara

First Of All, Hello! I am Jessica and I will be reviewing Journey Of A Dead Man Today!

I thought that it was a bit short to be able to have a good, piece by piece, detailed review so I am just going to make this pretty brief.
I thought that It had potential. The details were not the kind that really grasped my attention and made me want to read more. In grammar- I thought a lot of the sentences dragged out. They seemed never ending. You added a bunch of semi-colons in the first paragraph.
I thought that it was pretty good otherwise. Keep writing and I hope to read more soon!

- Jessica
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