Eliza and Morgan (2)

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I tried going back to my house. It was too painful to even step inside the door. I would never be able to set foot, or float or whatever I did, in my own beautiful home again. From the window to my room I could see the remains of the life I had. My film camera sat untouched on my stained black desk. The film I had been so anxious to get to Walgreens would never be developed. My lime green binder sat on my unmade bed, still on the page I had written last. The dream, more a goal, I had of publishing my first book before I turned eighteen would never be fulfilled. I was so close, too. It was going to change the way teens looked at their own society. Poof. In an instant my life was gone.

Everywhere I knew to go, I couldn't. I couldn't go to Morgan's house, my high school, not even downtown. All of it was too awful to my emotions, which it seemed if I had nothing else, I had that. Almost too real. When I was sad it was like icy wind had settled around me and I felt like snow should have been melting in my dark brown hair. The anger that filled me, whatever I was, caused a heat so strong I would've died of heatstroke, if I weren't already dead. Those were the only two things I felt. If there was still such a thing as happiness, I didn't know what it felt like.

I stopped in a neighborhood I had never been in before. There were no emotional attachments so I just sat there, trying to think of nothing, but instead remembering everything. Most of all, remembering all the things I had never done, never said, but should have.

I should have told Mom that she meant more to me than she knew. That I really did listen to her even when I said I didn't. Should have told Dad that I love him even when he teases me to the point that I want to yell. Morgan should have known that she was the only thing holding me back from becoming something I wasn't. She kept me myself and not some bubble-brain. My new friends at my new high school needed to know that they helped me feel like I was a part of my unfamiliar surroundings. Arie, especially. I should have told he she was like a sister to me. I should have told Jackson that he was the best first boyfriend in the world. I don't regret him being my first kiss and I still miss his blue eyes sometimes. Then there was Stephen. So much I should have told him. "I love you," being the thing he needed to know most.

I never told them. Now I'd never get the chance.

Hi!

This is a great story - it's gripping from the start, and I love the idea.

Just a few nitpicks:

All of it was too awful to for my emotions, which, it seemed if I had nothing else, I at least had those.

This is a little awkward to read. I corrected it a bit but it still doesn't seem quite right... what do you think?

When I was sad it was like icy wind had settled around me and I felt like snow should have been melting in my dark brown hair. The anger that filled me, whatever I was, caused a heat so strong I would've died of heatstroke, if I weren't already dead.

I like the description in this, but I do want to know more about what the anger felt like. I know it was hot, but that doesn't seem enough for such an overwhelming emotion. I'd imagine it more to sting, to hurt, etc... Maybe just expand more on that.
I did like how you described sadness as cold, though. That works really well.

Well that's the only nitpicks I could find, apart from that it's really good

Hope I helped!

~Lilicia

Hey Gabriella

The film I had been so anxious to get to Walgreens would never be developed. - I always think that it is a bit weird when people reference big names like this. I'm from England so we don't have Walgreens, however I have been to America so I know what it is. To keep from alienating some of your readers I would suggest that you stray away from brands or labels. Of course it's up to you.

All of it was too awful to my emotions, which it seemed if I had nothing else, I had that. - The middle of this sentence is a little weird the 'which it seemed if I had nothing else' it's just a little confusing and I had to read it a few times to understand it. It kind of ruins the flow of the sentence as well so maybe you can look at clearing that up.

I should have told he she was like a sister to me. - I think you meant 'I should have told her she was like a sister to me'

Character - The character is good and I am definitely getting a sense of her, I just think that you need to be careful because apart from the section at the beginning of part 1 this is becoming a big inner monologue and that can become quite tiring after a while. Just reading someone's thoughts but it's always good to have the character's thoughts of course. Just don't overdo it.

Pacing - I am not sure where you are taking this story at the moment so I can't say whether your pacing is off or not. What I would say is that you are flitting a bit quickly from one thing to another. For example you give us alot of names in these small sections and it's difficult for me as a reader to place them. For example you mentioned Stephen and I thought that was her boyfriend and then you mentioned Jackson and I couldn't remember Jackson. So effectively what I am saying is be careful not to introduce too many characters in a short space of time it can be confusing to the reader.

Description - It was pretty good, it could get a bit clunky sometimes and I think your sentences may be a bit long at times but just with some careful editing you can clear these things up.

Overall - It's quite an interesting piece, I just think that you need to take it somewhere new now. We have had a lot of inner thought from her now but I think you need to bring some sort of event into, like someone being able to see her? Or something to that effective just to move the story along a little. But I don't know where your ideas are going to take the story so I'll leave that up to you.

Hope this helps! PM me if you have any questions

Bex x

I haven't read Part 1, just to let you know. Hopefully, I can still be helpful.

So much I should have told him, "I love you," being the thing he needed to know most.

There shouldn't be a period after him as "being..." becomes a sentence fragment otherwise.

You had at least one misspelled word, but you should be able to find it easily if you read through this again more carefully.

Overall, I thought this was quite interesting. The ending struck me as a bit abrupt, but I think if you separated the two sentences of the last paragraph into separate paragraphs, it would give this more a sense of finality. Formatting can add or take away a lot to or from your writing, so playing around a little with your formatting is always a good idea. It can mean the difference between an abrupt and hanging ending and an ending that has a feeling of finality.

I am left wondering, however, why you're posting this in such short sections. I think it might be better if you finish writing this before you post it; that way, your reviewers will be able to look at the story as a whole and provide suggestions to make the whole thing better. Right now, this part is really, really short, and there isn't much to say because it's so short.

KD here again! How's it goin'?

I think that this story is progressing fairly well! I'm glad that you took the time to let the MC think about all the things she wish she did that she didn't, and how she looked at her room and all the things she left there before she died.

But, I wish you could spend a little more time on that part so this doesn't feel too rushed, since I think you're starting to connect to the reader emotionally, which is great! (:

Now, it's nitpick time! Whoot!

Corrections in the quotes themselves are in bold.

gabriella wrote:I would never be able to set foot, or float or whatever I did, in[b]o[/b] my own beautiful home again.

gabriella wrote:ItMy book was going to change the way teens looked at their own society. Poof. In an instant my life was gone.

gabriella wrote:All of it was too awful to my emotions, which it seemed if I had nothing else, I had that.

The wording of this is strange. Perhaps say 'All of this tortured my emotions' or you can just say that it was 'too much to bear'.

gabriella wrote:which it seemed if I had nothing else, I had that. Almost too real.

This part (from the sentence above and the next sentence) does not make any sense. Try reading it aloud.

gabriella wrote:I stopped in a neighborhood I had never been in before.

So, before she was walking around? You might need to indicate that.

gabriella wrote:I stopped in a neighborhood I had never been in before. There were no emotional attachments so I just sat there, trying to think of nothing, but instead remembering everything. Most of all, remembering all the things I had never done, never said, but should have.

I like this part. It flows the best out of everything else!

gabriella wrote:Then there was Stephen. So much I should have told him. "I love you," being the thing he needed to know most.

? These are broken up sentences. This doesn't make sense.


Overall, this was a good chapter. When are you gonna tell us about how she died? (; When you do, in my opinion, I think you should dedicate a whole chapter to it, at least.

Hope I helped! Keep up the good work-

KD

Aside from the grammatical fixes which others have pointed out, this was again a great read! I love how you describe her emotions. Thanks for this, and look forward to reading more later!