Friends (rated for possible suggestion)

Friends
by Romance Otaku http://romanceotaku.com/

Sadness. That was the name of my first friend. She was with me ever since I could remember. We held hands through the good and bad. Pain joined us a little later. He, on the other hand, came and went constantly, though it seemed he was around more often than not. Anxiety was an odd little girl. She sat in dark corners, looking, watching. Sometimes I even thought she was stalking me. But one day she came out into the open and joined Sadness and me.

As I grew older I began to think more. As Pain glared me I only looked back, wondering why he stayed with me so often. Anxiety also matured. She slowly got over her shyness and almost always slept by my side, opposite of Sadness. I often spent nights crying, the girls holding my close.

It was during those years that I met Pleasure. She took out the other two girls every so often. I didn't miss their company, though. It was nice to have time alone. Sometimes they were gone for the whole day. But they always returned at night to sleep next to me in my bed.

When I graduated and moved in to a small apartment my friends came too. Well, all except Pain, who only stopped by a few times a year. I got an okay job. Working life was difficult at points, but I was never left alone; my friends were always with me, even at work. The only times they ever left were with Pleasure.

I was always questioning things at that point. Why are we here? Why do people hurt each other? Why don't people help each other? Sadness and Anxiety could never answer any of these things for me.

After a few years I met a man named Disgust. He answered all of my questions, and more. He came by rarely at first, but more often over time, until he also began living with me.

I looked down on the world from my high perch. I saw a man stealing, an old lady being harassed, two men fighting over property, boys drawing graffiti on walls, and so many other inconsiderate acts my mind couldn't process them all. Disgust pointed each out to me, one by one.

I didn't want to live in a world like that.

I held Sadness's and Anxiety's hands as I cried. I stepped forward and let gravity take me closer to the world's chaos, then away from it all.

My friends loved me so much, enough to die with me.

Hi! I', Kaila, and I will be reviewing for you today!

We held hands through the good and bad. Pain joined us a little later. He, on the other hand, came and went constantly, though it seemed he was around more often than not.

I like the personification, except when you say "Pain joined us" I thought you meant pain brought Saddness and the MC together. Maybe if you said "Pain joined me" it would be clearer?

Anxiety also matured. She slowly got over her shyness and almost always slept by my side, opposite of Sadness. I often spent nights crying, the girls holding my close.

I would take out the "also" in that first sentence because it just sounds more concise, and even though the MC says he/she has gotten older, it doesn't say anyone has matured, so I don't think the also sounds right. Plus, it's just a typo, but I think you meant "holding me close"

She took out the other two girls every so often. I didn't miss their company, though. It was nice to have time alone.

I would take out the "though" because it's pretty clear that he/she wouldn't enjoy being with them, so the though isn't needed.

Also, in that paragraph it might be nice to explain where Pleasure came in. Like, examples of why he learned to be happy for some time. Did he make new friends or get a hobby or something?

Working life was difficult at points, but I was never left alone; my friends were always with me, even at work. The only times they ever left were with Pleasure.

Maybe reword that to say "The only times they ever left were when I was with Pleasure"? And again, show some examples of that.

I was always questioning things at that point.

At what point?

I held Sadness's and Anxiety's hands as I cried. I stepped forward and let gravity take me closer to the world's chaos, then away from it all.

My friends loved me so much, enough to die with me.

Wow, I really liked the wording in that first paragraph. It's beautiful. I might suggest that you make the last sentence into two, like "My friends loved me so much. Enough to die with me." It gives it more of a punch when they're seperated, I think.

Overall:
I really like the idea of personifying all his emotions. It was a really good idea, and you did it well. All the things I suggested would just be what I might do to make it sound smoother, but overall, I really liked this a lot.

the emotions:
I liked how you portrayed the emotions he had, but since you took such a large portion of the MC's life, there would probably be a few other emotions in there too. Like, when he was little curiosity, but maybe that goes away when he gets older, and then maybe sex drive, but maybe he gets hurt by someone and that turns into anger or something. You did a great job with the emotions you used, but I might suggest making the MC a little more complicated, because real people are.

So awesome job. Keep writing!

Thank you for your review ^-^.

Thanks for catching those few typos, and I will take your suggestions into consideration. I also thought that it should be longer have add more emotions, but that would either make the final paragraphs fat (having to tell the reader what they did as he jumped; the main reason why I didn't add Fear) or have them appear then disappear, which in a short story is something I don't really like to have. Besides, a person could write a whole book using the same idea. I was just experimenting.

I'm glad you enjoyed this piece. I wasn't sure how others would react to it, mostly because I am experimenting with giving the reader more power than the writer (in this piece all I did was tell you who came in and who came out and when it happened, you had to guess what everything means, and it's different for everyone, especially for Pleasure).

Thanks again ^-^,
~Otaku

Hey! I wanted to thank you for the review on Soulless, and also to say I really like what you did with this story. It's creepy in a very direct way... I really like the concept behind it. The few things I noticed were really grammatical things; it's kind of my niche.

As Pain glared me I only looked back, wondering why he stayed with me so often.

When you use the verb "glare", you have to glare at something, not just glare something. You also need a comma between me and I.

I often spent nights crying, the girls holding my close.

I think you meant "holding me close" instead of "holding my close".

She took out the other two girls every so often.

When you mention Pleasure, it can be rather confusing. Are Sadness and Anxiety leaving, while Pleasure stays, or is Pleasure "taking them out" as if she's taking them to lunch or something? Also, you take someone out, you don't take out someone.

It was during those years that I met Pleasure. She took out the other two girls every so often. I didn't miss their company, though. It was nice to have time alone. Sometimes they were gone for the whole day. But they always returned at night to sleep next to me in my bed.

What bothered me with this paragraph was phrasing; all of the sentences are relatively the same length, which makes it difficult to read. It's almost always better to have a little variation. As for the sentences in bold, there should be a comma, not a period, between day and but. A lot of writers break that rule to put emphasis on the second sentence, but after the previous sentences which were all similar in length, I was expecting a longer sentence. That's just a personal choice, though.

When I graduated and moved in to a small apartment my friends came too.

Comma between apartment and my, came and too.

I was always questioning things at that point.

Kaila Marie pointed out that we don't know what point that is, but I'm assuming you're referring to the general time when she's acquired a job. I don't think that saying when she's feeling this is necessary information because the way that you've written the story allows time to pass without the reader noticing it too much. You never reference years, only major turning points in her life. I would let it be even a little more ambiguous.

I saw a man stealing, an old lady being harassed, two men fighting over property, boys drawing graffiti on walls, and so many other inconsiderate acts my mind couldn't process them all.

There are a couple things I noticed here. First, you list people doing inconsiderate things, but at the end of the sentence you reference what you've listed as inconsiderate acts. The two men aren't an inconsiderate act, and the boys aren't an inconsiderate act. I would use something else to finish the sentence. Also, the part in bold has a bit of a grammatical error. "My mind couldn't process them all" is a complete sentence, making the entire sentence a run-on. You could fix this by saying "other inconsiderate acts that my mind couldn't process" or putting a period between acts and my.

This was really awesome; I like the way you write, and I love your choice to personify the emotions. It really made them tangible, and you said a lot more in a few paragraphs than others could say in pages. Keep up the good work!

Thanks ^-^. Wow, I didn't even notice the "glare" thing XD. Oh well. I'm glad you enjoyed the piece ^-^.

Wondering if you would review some of my work. . . I have two novels in the works. Finding You is under general fiction and Untouchable is under romance. Thanks

[quote="trhwrites"]This was a rollercoaster of emotions for me and the MC (obviously). At first I was like, wow, this is a cool concept. Then, I realized how deep the writing was and as more and more characters got added on, I saw what the MC was going through. It was very interesting, certainly unique, and had that sort of serious-and-realistic vibe. I enjoyed how the emotions grew with her. The last few paragraphs were my favorites.

After a few years I met a man named Disgust. He answered all of my questions, and more. He came by rarely at first, but more often over time, until he also began living with me.

I looked down on the world from my high perch. I saw a man stealing, an old lady being harassed, two men fighting over property, boys drawing graffiti on walls, and so many other inconsiderate acts my mind couldn't process them all. Disgust pointed each out to me, one by one. This is so real, so raw, that it made my head spin. It's a crazy world and you portrayed it effortlessly in this paragraph

I didn't want to live in a world like that. So matter-of-fact.

I held Sadness's and Anxiety's hands as I cried. I stepped forward and let gravity take me closer to the world's chaos, then away from it all. At first, I had no clue what was happening, but then I realized what a clever paragraph you had written. I really admired this one.

My friends loved me so much, enough to die with me. A great last sentence.

I liked how strongly the MC felt about all of this; I think it was such a flawless end to your piece.
Glad I could help,
TrH Writes

Thanks so much for your review ^-^. I will try to check out your stuff tomorrow. I am currently working on a report XD.