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Hey,

I shall be your reviewer today.

When you realize
That the one you love
Is gone for good
And then,
Your breath escapes
And you can't draw in anymore
And panic
So much panic

Why would you do this to your poor defenseless poem. This is such a good poem and has a completely different theme and I thought they were going to end up killing someone and then this punctures the climax.

Please destroy it and make this poem better.

I liked this poem a lot. except that stanza.

Keep it up, can't wait to read more.

~Retro Disco666

Howdy Persephoneia! Everything about this poem -- the helter skelter rhyme scheme, the random line breaks -- yells, "Anguish! Anguish! Anguish!" Great job, and excellent choice of title!

Persephoneia wrote:How can I make this better?
How can I fix it?
How can I undo what has been done?

I might suggest changing the "I"s to "you"s in this stanza. You use the term "you" for the rest of the poem, as if the poem is about the reader, when all of a sudden it is about the narrator. If this isn't the effect you want, be consistent in your subject.

Persephoneia wrote:Because everything has fallen apart,
Not at the seams,
All nice and neatly,
But torn apart from the middle

I appreciate your reference to a common expression. When something is torn apart at the seams, it's not that difficult to sew the seams up again. But when something is ripped right down the middle, you're sunk. I might be taking this metaphor a bit too literally.

Persephoneia wrote:And then you wake up
And fall down
To feel the wetness
Of tears on your face
Because you'll never again
Feel the warmth of their embrace.

I think everyone can relate to this last stanza. Brilliant! Over all, brilliant poem, and I hope you'll look further into my suggestions!