Remember, Remember (Prologue)

Remember, remember, the fifth of November...

I felt my nose twitch. It seemed like an involuntary action, one that my brain hadn't told my nose to do. It kept twitching, like I was about to sneeze or cough. I tried to move my right arm so that I could stop it, but nothing happened. My arm did not move. I tugged as hard as I could, willing my eyes to open. Still there was nothing, no movement, except the echoing sound of voices in my head.

"...of gunpowder treason and plot!" the girl with long brown hair laughed, burying her face in the driver's shoulder. His voice boomed through the car as he kept one hand on the wheel, and the other in the girl's.
" I see no reason why the Gunpowder Treason should ever be forgot." Somewhere in the distance, fireworks lit up the dark night sky, creating colourful reflections on the windscreen of the car.

Was I dreaming? Or was I awake? I couldn't decide. The images that flashed past my mind were so vivid I thought I must be dreaming. It was like watching a movie of someone's life. But when they faded into a distant memory, I felt confused. If I was awake, why wouldn't my eyelids open? I could feel their weight under my lashes. Around the edges of my lids was some kind of light, trying to infiltrate its way through. Maybe the light was the reason why they stayed shut. I wasn't sure.

It scared me. After the dreams, there was always light. Sometimes it was extremely bright, other times it was dull but still noticable. I wanted to use my fingers to pry my lids open, but that was something else that refused to move. Panic would spread through me like wildfire as I realized that nothing worked. I couldn't see anything or feel anything. I couldn't touch, I couldn't hear.

I was nothing.

And then the darkness would come, and like clockwork the images would come back, floating past my mind like surreal reality.

Remember, remember...the voice whispered softly.

Spoiler

Okay, so this is very short, I know, but it's a prologue, and sometimes they are supposed to be short. So please don't tell me how short it was, tell me about everything else. If you like it, or you just want to read more because curiousity killed your cat, say so!

ok first off this is just confusing, if dyour nothing then how can you have eyelids and such? anyways, were you quoting V for Vendettea? its an awesome movie by the way, i thought this was really good how you did that. why is the person nothing? why do they hear voices and stuff? how can they see if there eyes are shut? this probably won't help you but if you can just say these things in your prologue then it might make people less confused, what you need to do is explain more, how did the person/thing get like this? why are they hearing and seeing these things? what caused it? you know that sort of thing. and your right a prologue musn't be too long, less then 2 pages or something, my prologue is only 2 pages in a word document.

if you would like to read mine this is the link
topic60721.html

Soap

'Ello there! Looks like I'll be your review this fine evening!

#FF0000 ">Red = Corrections
Blue = Things I like
Bold = Comments

austenite wrote:Remember, remember, the fifth of November...

I felt my nose twitch. It#FF0000 "> seemed like How can it seem like an involuntary action? It was either voluntary, meaning you caused it, or you didn't try to do it, and it was involuntary. an involuntary action, one that my brain hadn't told my nose to do. It kept twitching, like I was about to sneeze or cough. I tried to move my right arm so that I could stop it, but nothing happened. My arm did not move. I tugged as hard as I could, willing my eyes to open. Still there was nothing, #FF0000 ">no movement, except the echoing sound of voices in my head. Sounds of voices aren't movements, are they? Didn't think so. I'd change it to something like, "There was nothing, no movement, no smells, no sound other than echoing voices in my head." Or something like that. You get the idea. (Sheesh, now I'm just rambling. :/ )

"...of gunpowder treason and plot!" #BF0000 ">the girl with long brown hair laughed, burying her face in the driver's shoulder. This just ain't working for me. If she's laughing, wouldn't she find it a little hard to bury her face into his shoulder? His voice boomed through the car as he kept one hand on the wheel, and the other #FF0000 ">in the girl's. In the girl's... what? The way it's phrased, I'm kind of freaked to find out. Did you mean, "around the girl's shoulders"? *moments later* I just realized that you probably meant in the girl's hand. Either way you have to rephrase this. It confused me, if you didn't pick up on that.
" I see no reason why the Gunpowder Treason should ever be forgot." Somewhere in the distance, fireworks lit up the dark night sky, creating colourful reflections on the windscreen of the car.

I like this paragraph, I really do. But the way it's introduced, not so great. When I first read this I was confused as to whether she was simply hearing this, and you made a fluke by describing their actions, or if she really could see it.

Was I dreaming? Or was I awake? I couldn't decide. The images that flashed past my mind were so vivid I thought I must be dreaming. It was like watching a movie of someone's life. But when they faded into a distant memory, I felt confused. If I was awake, why wouldn't my eyelids open? I could feel their weight #FF0000 ">under my lashes. If the girl's lying down, then wouldn't her eyelids and eyelashes be side by side, not under or on top of each other? Around the edges of my lids was some kind of light, trying to #FF0000 ">infiltrate its way through. Fancy word, doesn't work with the sentence. It's awkwardly phrased. I'd change "infiltrate" to "force" or any of its synonym, like "break", "push", etc. Those aren't good examples. Just what I thought of right now. Maybe the light was the reason #FF0000 ">why You can take out this word altogether. they stayed shut. I wasn't sure.

It scared me. After the dreams, there was always light. Sometimes it was extremely bright, other times it was dull but still notic#FF0000 ">eable. I wanted to use my fingers to pry my lids open, but that was something else that refused to move. Panic would spread through me like wildfire as I realized that nothing worked. I couldn't see anything or feel anything. I couldn't touch, I couldn't hear.

I was nothing.

And then the darkness would come, and#FF0000 ">, like clockwork#FF0000 ">, the images would come back, floating past my mind like surreal reality.

Remember, remember...the voice whispered softly.

Grammar

I found a few flukes, but mostly good. Nice job. Only one spelling error, so not too shabby. Overall, in that area you're doing pretty good. I did notice, however, that some of your sentences were awkwardly worded. You could understand them, but sometimes you had to reread them over and again. Mostly, they just interrupted the flow of this piece. I think I pointed them out, so you should definitely fix them.

Descriptions

They were fairly good. Could be better. Since you described the dream as "vivid", more description would be better. The way it is, the MC could easily be seeing the dream through a foggy mirror as "vividly". Just some little details would really help. Things like if there are fuzzy dice hanging from the rear view mirror--I know, bad example--or things like that. It'll make it more realistic.

Overall

OK, so sorry if any of that was harsh. That just means I really like this piece. (Would I spend so much time nitpicking it without a request if I didn't?) I like the idea, and I like how it's laid out. I like the Remember, remember.... part. It's cool. Is that a song, or something that I don't recognize? Either way, it has a nice effect.

Keep up the good work. Mind PMing me when the next chapter is out?

loveness, ultraviolet

Ultraviolet, I think I may just have to kidnap you and hold you hostage in my lair and make you work for me. How is it that you know exactly what I'm thinking even though I can't write it or see it when I write it?? You are too awesome, thanks a bunch of daisies (tulips? lilacs? roses?) for the review!

I understand everything you said there. Though this is a prologue, and to me a prologue is a hook that tells you absolutely nothing (except for one small thing) that leaves you hooked, wanting more, and that's what I was trying to do here, so I'm glad you want to read more. I know what you mean about the piece wanting more description, just to make it that little bit more realistic and vivid.

Will def PM you when the next one is out, I love your reviews!!

Oh, and the rhyme is a rhyme from Guy Fawke's Night that is celebrated mainly in Scotland and parts of the rest of the UK and the world, also known as Bonfire Night. Basically in the 1500/1600's (can't quite remember), there was a plot to blow up Parliament House by a guy called Guy Fawkes, but it was foiled. And now everyone celebrates by setting off fireworks. The ryhme is basically about that. Also it appears as a tag line in the movie V for Vendetta, which is where my two characters have heard it from while coming back from a Bonfire Night celebration. LE GASP, too much info drop right now!! lol

Hey Austen! Stella here!

Alright. In general, I'm a little wary of prologues. Just putting that out there.

I. NITPICKS

" I see no reason why the Gunpowder Treason should ever be forgot." Somewhere in the distance, fireworks lit up the dark night sky, creating colourful reflections on the windscreen of the car.[/i]

Forgotten, maybe?

But when they faded into a distant memory, I felt confused.

You didn't tell us they vanished, you just said how you felt when they did.

Alright.

II. THE POINT

This is my main trouble with prologues. Right now, your prologue is showing us nothing that a chapter one couldn't tell us- as far as I can see. I don't know. Maybe your chapter one is really important. The thing is, prologues can be annoying, unless they show us something really important. And if they don't, then why include it? Right now, you need to convince me that there's a point in this prologue and it's not just delaying me getting to the real story.

III. OVERALL

It wasn't badly written, I'm just considering its purpose is all.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Thanks Stella!!

Firstly, the 'forgot' is correct. It shouldn't be 'forgotten', as that's the way the rhyme goes:

Remember, remember the Fifth of November,
The Gunpowder Treason and Plot,
I see no reason
Why the Gunpowder Treason
Should ever be forgot.

Just a (nice) FYI for anyone else wanting to know.

I hope that Chapter One will be important. I thought it was at first, but maybe now, thinking about it, the prologue may be pointless. But that's why I have you guys, to tell me so!