Bad Day

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I run out of my home like a bullet. I'm late! I'm gonna miss the bus, I said to myself as I ran harder. I was running so fast, I didn't notice Denise and I slammed into her and we both fell down.

"Oh, hey Agnes," said Denise.

"Oh my gosh. I am so sorry!" I aid getting up. "I didn't see you there. Are you okay?"

I offered her my hand and I helped her up."I'm fine thanks, can't say the same about my butt though. Why in such a hurry?"

"I'm trying to get the next stop of the bus," I said panting.

"Miss the bus? Oh, I'm gonna be late again! Let's get going!" said Denise and she began to ran. Denise is always late! I guess, she was just surprised that she could actually make it to school on time. I chuckled to myself and began run again.

We made it to the bus stop right when the bus arrived. Plenty of time to spare. Denise and I walked inside the bus and took a seat. "oh my gosh... I made it" she said all exited, a grin on her face that made it to her ears. I chuckled and took out my old notebook from my backpack. Denise looked at me with curiosity and raise one eyebrow."What's that, Agnes?" said Denise, pointing at the notebook.

"Oh, this. It's my old story. When I was little, my mom gave me this to write my thoughts in it, but I found a better use for it. That day I stared writing this story-just for fun-and it turned into this"I said showing her the notebook revealing that most of the pages were written.

"Cool... How old were you when you got it?"

"I was like nine," I said with a giggle.

"Oh. Can I read it?" said Denise with an enthusiastic smiled.

I smiled. "Sure, here," I said, passing it to her.She took it carefully and began to read. We just sat there in silence for while. All you can hear was the sound of all the kids laughing and screaming. When I looked, she had read a lot already, most of it actually.

"Did you really write this?"

I smiled at her. "Yes"

"Cool!"
She closed the book and handed it to me. Right when I was about to take it, someone stole it right from under me. I looked up to find that the one who stole my notebook was Maryse."What's is this, Agnes?" she said with an obnoxious little smiled."Oh, it's just a stupid notebook. It's suck."

"Hey, give it back Maryse!" I said getting up. I probably sound like a little girl who wanted her dolly back, but I really don't care.

"Hm, what's the word I'm looking for... Oh yeah: No! I'll burn this book when we get to school." She stared to laugh, like those witches you see on T.V., until Natalia came and punch her face and grab my notebook right before she could drop it.

"Here you go, Agnes. Just tell me if you need help." said Natalia with a smile. Ah, the advantages of having friends...

"Thanks, but I could punch her, you know that, right?"

Natalia keep smiling and turn back on me. I was very confusing. We got school and I headed to my class. I arrived to the class and I sat next to J.D. He didn't talk with me. I wonder what happen to him. I keep staring at him, until Mr.John call me.

"Agnes, can you explain to us, what are you staring at ?"

I was nervous, because if I tell the teacher, J.D. will be mad at me. I guess I'll have to improvise. " I was staring at... the, um... tree."
Everyone start to laugh but Mr.John looked furious, then he gave me a tons of homework. I couldn't tell to him that I was staring at J.D. He would think that I'm in love with him.

"Attention student!" Mr.Batista started to yell like a soldier of chief."Next week, I like to call my favorite game... dodge ball!"

"Wow, we are going to play some stupid dodgeball game, great!" I said in sarcastically

Then Mr.Batista came to my face and started to yell. I guess he heard me."What did you say, Agnes?! The game of dodge ball isn't stupid! Do you understand?!"

He got all his saliva all over my face. I wiped my face with the sleeve of my jacket and looking him straight in the eye."First thing first, teach, nobody yell at my face. Do you understand? No one can't yell in my face!..."

"Well, I'm the teacher and it's my job to yell at you! Get it!"

"Oh, I'll you something alright..." I started to raise my arm but stopped when someone took my arm. I looked behind me only to find J.D. right there. He gave me his serious face.

"Well, what where you going to give me, Agnes?" said Mr.Batista, raising one eyebrow

I look at the floor without looking at his face. "Nothing."

I turned around and went to the bathroom until Cynthia yell.

"Hey Agnes!!"

I groan. "What do you want, Cynthia?"

"Stay away from my future boyfriend,okay. Cause if you do, next week, I'll kick you in you're ugly face."

"What's you're problem? Have you lost you're mind. He doesn't like you. So stay away from me, freak."

I went to my locker until I found a black rose. It's a symbol of death. The rose has a not attached to it. I pick it up and hide it in my pocket. I turned to leave and saw J.D. right there.

"Good luck, Agnes."

I stood there and stared at him. "You too..."
And he did a half smiled.
I got back to the gym and Mr. Batista was already yelling orders."Okay, is everybody ready? Let's start with Agnes. Are you ready?" Mr.Batista yell.

"Yeah!" I yelled back.

The teacher started to throw 30 balls and I dodge every single one of them. Aida dodged 40, then Denise dodged 50 then Alexander dodged 20 then Carl dodged 1, Natalia 60, Candace dodged as like Denise, Cynthia didn't Dodged any ball, Kathy dodged 70 and Jorge dodged 90.

"Okay, we are the last student. J.D. Get down here!"

J.D. was waiting if Mr.Batista throw ball at him.

"Are you ready? Cause you can always quit." Mr.Batista teasing J.D.

"Ha, I will never quit, only a loser can quit."J.D. said with a smiled on his face.

The teacher got mad and started to throw ball at J.D. and he dogge one before hit on his face. Batista throw another one but J.D. bend on his back and miss it. Mr.Batista was extremely mad that he pick 10 ball and started to throw faster but no one can hit J.D.
By the end, Mr.Batista was so tired that he was panting. "Good job, sport. You're the first person to dogge 100 balls."

"Hey, you were awesome thrower. Look like I'm better that the champion over there." He pointing at me.

Everybody started to laugh at me, I went to change and forget what J.D. said.

"Hey Agnes!!"I turned around and saw Natalia running toward at me.

"Oh, hey Natalia... What's wrong?"

"Need some company. Aida is with her friends, some friends of her."

"Um... Sure."

Me and Natalia, were walking down the hall to go outside, when we saw Jorge and Cynthia. And they were a little to closer if you ask me. He looked up and saw his girlfrined, Natalia standing there. The boy's in trouble now.

"Natalia, this is not what's look like. If you let me explain."
"Really?"
"Let me expalin!"
"You don't have nothing to explain..." Natalia said looking at the ground sounding very upset.
Natalia ran away with tears on her eye. Once she was gone, Cynthia started to laugh.
"Ha, what are you going to do now, Agnes?"
I wish I could kill her but I just close my eyes and punch her in into the face. I turned around and ran in the direction that Natalia did. I have to find her. I got back inside of the school and bump into J.D.

"J.D., have you seen Natalia?" I ask him, hopeful

"Yes, I saw her run into the bathroom."
I moved passed him and ram to the bathroom, not bother to say thank you.
I walked in and saw Natalia, siting down there,under the big window. As I walked toward her, I felt this wind, like someone open the door. I look behind me to see if someone was there, when I didn't see anybody, I turned back on Natalia but she was gone. The window was open. I ran to the window and looked through it to see if I could find her.Outside the window was a giant wolf and Natalia was on it's back! She was sleeping.

"Natalia, wake up!!!!" I started to yell out the window but she couldn't hear me. She was knocked out. The wolf looked at the window and saw me. And it ran off quickly. I was so scare and kept screaming her name like crazy.

"Natalia, Natalia, Nataliaaaa!!!!!"But it was to late. She was gone. I can't sit here and wait when she is back, alive. This is the worst day ever! I got out of the bathroom and saw everyone leaving, to there homes, but I didn't want to go home. When everyone was gone, I went down to the stairs, until I saw J.D. talking with his brother. I decide to walk passed him. But some idiot left a banana peel, I slipped it and J.D. caught me before I hit the ground.

"I know you have a bad day." J.D. said

"What you care about. I hate my life."

"You can cry, if you want. I won't mind. "
I didn't answer to him. But he wrapped his arm around at my waist and I laid my head on his chest. Before I knew it, I was crying. I tried to stop but it was unsuccessful. After a while of me, crying, I heard J.D. talk.
"Do you need a ride?"

I whipped my eyes. "Yes"

"Come, I'll give you a ride."

We went to the outside and I stood there. J.D. has a motorcycle. It's very black. Then he look at me.
"Do you like motorcycle, Agnes?"

"I do!"

He pick a helmet and give it to me. "Here, put this on."
I did as he said and put the helmet. He sat down and I sat down behind him.
"Hold on Agnes."J.D. said.

I wrap my arm around his waist. It was an awesome ride. I wonder, how old is J.D., I mean, he can't drive a motorcycle if he's 18 years. We made to my horrible, nightmare home. I got down from the motorcycle and took off the helmet and gave it back to him.
"No. Keep it, if you're going to have one."

"Thanks for the ride, J.D. That was fun."I said and almost laugh.

"Just tell me if you want a ride with me again."

I got leaned in closer to him. He's different from other boy. He didn't lead his head, so I gave him a kiss on his check. He was surprise."Bye."

"Bye Agnes." J.D. said with a smooth voice.

I got inside and Mom call me. "Agnes, You're going to New York with you're aunt."

Hello to you too mom. "Okay." I said, heading upstairs.Finally, I can see my old aunt. I wonder if my mom is going to okay and miss me while I'm away.
Last edited by Naydy on Tue Jul 06, 2010 10:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Tear down! the walls that will surround
Cry out! above the burning sound
Show me! how bleeding hearts still pound
If we stand together,we will be unbroken!




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I finally finish this chapter. It's actually long. But I was bussy that I couldn't finish this chapter. Sorry, if I didn't post any new chapter.
Tear down! the walls that will surround
Cry out! above the burning sound
Show me! how bleeding hearts still pound
If we stand together,we will be unbroken!




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Hello Naydy!
Well, I think you definately have some grammar to look at. This story was filled with little things I could nitpick on, but I'll only include a few:
"Miss the buss?

#FF0000 ">*bus
We made it to the bus stop right when the bus arrived. Plenty o time to spare.

#FF0000 ">*of
."First thing first, teach, nobody yell at my face. Do you understand? No one can't yell in my face! Especially you!"

It should read #FF0000 ">"...nobody yells in my face. Do you understand? No one can yell in my face!..."
I went to my locker until I found a black rose. It's a symbol of dead #FF0000 ">death. The rose has a not attached to it. I pick it up and hide it in my pocket. I turned to leave and saw J.D. #FF0000 ">right there.

The teacher started to throw 30 balls and I dodge every single one of them. Aida dodge 40, then Denise dodge 50 then Alexander dodge 20 then Carl dodge 1, Natalia 60, Candace dodge as like Denise, Cynthia didn't Dodge any ball, Kathy dodge 70 and Jorge dodge 90.

#FF0000 ">*dodged. I think this whole paragraph should be rewritten. It doesn't really make any sense.

To be honest, your dialogue needs work and your plot line should be more thought out. I don't understand how Natalia can just fall out a window, convinently land on a giant wolf and die. Also, the fact that Angus was seriously making threats to the teacher and punching people in the face doesn't seem realistic. Plus the dialogue was quite confusing.

You can PM me if you have any questions!
-SodapopLunchbox
I hope you like the stars I stole for you,
One hundred million twinkle lights in neon blue.
I'll be the brightest,
You'll see!




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Okay, if you didn't understand why Natalia and the giant wolf. Is that wolf came to the bathroom and hit Natalia in front of the window. He fall down and land on his paws and manage to catch Natalia. She was only hurt. And about the student against teacher. Is because Agnes is a type of emo, Gothic and punk, who doesn't want to get disrespect at her. And that all about her. If you want to know more about my character, PM me if you don't understand. I'm in all weekend.
Tear down! the walls that will surround
Cry out! above the burning sound
Show me! how bleeding hearts still pound
If we stand together,we will be unbroken!




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Gender Female
Points 3527
Reviews 41
Hey!! Sorry I'm late! I really liked it! Things are getting very interesting in this story! I want to know what happens next so please update soon! Bye!!
“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”



The very worst use of time is to do very well what need not be done at all.
— Benjamin Tregoe