Scabbards

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Scabbards


Imperious. That was the word to describe him. Or maybe, arrogant. No, both, at the same time. I had seen him before, on the street. He held his head high, never looking anyone in the eye, as if he was too good to look at them. He was tall, mustachioed, and his name was Mr. Stale. At present, he was standing outside of a small house, from which a steady stream of people were coming and going every few minutes.
I was about a block away, walking towards him, and it appeared that Mr. Stale was doling out… scabbards! Yes, he had a multitude of them stacked on a small cart behind him, and every time someone went into the house, he would hand them a scabbard. I frowned in puzzlement, and quickened my pace toward them. As I drew near, I noticed two things: The first was that there was a small sign, mounted on two poles, between Mr. Stale and I. It read: Merciful Sister’s House for the Poor and Homeless. The second thing I noticed was that, on the other side of the sign, Mr. Stale’s scabbards had something sticking out of them!
I took a few quickened steps, almost running. It looked as if inside the scabbards was bread! Long, flat bread. Now I was really baffled. Why would someone put bread inside a scabbard? And for goodness sake, how? Then another question came to my attention. Why were there so many people going to and from a homeless and poor house?
I had stopped walking, but now started to walk over to Mr. Stale. I could see that every time someone came over to him, he would gnash his teeth in anger, then almost throw a scabbard at the person who had asked. I had had dealings with Mr. Stale before, and I knew that, while he was imperious and arrogant normally, he was worse when he was mad.
“Excuse me,” I asked tentatively as I approached. I thought he might recognize me, but as he turned, he showed no glimmer of recognition. Mr. Stale just looked at me with disdain and said nothing. “If you don’t mind me asking,” I assumed he didn’t mind- he appeared to be completely ignoring me. “Um, why are you handing out scabbards with bread in them?”
He rounded on me, his fury obvious. “You stupid boy, is this not what people do after such a travesty?” His outburst had startled me. I knew I was sealing my fate, but I asked one more question.
“Um, sir,” I said, mustering my courage “what travesty?” The man almost feinted right then and there, I thought I might have to fetch the doctor for fear he could not breath his face was such a shade of purple.
“The holocaust.” he spat. I could tell Mr. Stale was trying to control his voice in this public place. “All of Tenth Street burned to the ground. Twelve families without homes. What do you think I’m doing here?” He was loosing whatever small amount of control he had left- these last words had been shouted.
All of Tenth Street burned? I had been out of town until very recent, and had not heard of this. That was a great tragedy. I was shocked into silence, looking down at the ground for a moment. Then a well of questions sprang up inside my head. But when I looked up, seeing Mr. Stales face, I decided to get the answers from someone else. I moved along, thinking about the fire, and the sadness of it. “Also,” I thought to myself “heaven help the next person to ask for one of his scabbards!”
At home, I read an article about the fire in the newspaper. Only then did I realize that Mr. Stale had never really answered my first question. It was nagging at me, but I would probably never get an answer- why the scabbards?
Unless somone like you cares a whole aweful lot
Nothing is going to get better, it's not

- The Lorax, Dr. Suess




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Hi. This is good. A couple things, though. One, I had no idea that this was going on in World War 2 era. It could have been any time. Why don't you try to give some hints about what country and/or what time period. From the scabbards, I was thinking medeival Europe, but clearly I was wrong. Also, try to put some personality into your main character. He seemed a bit flat. Otherwise, I like the way you executed the theme, how the holocaust was approached from a more natural angle instead of from right next to the destruction. Good job.
-Aussie
“To awaken quite alone in a strange town is one of the pleasantest sensations in the world.” - Freya Stark




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Hi there. I thought I would stop by and give you a quick review.

So, this story has quite a bit of potential to it. It's plain that you know what you're doing and there's not a lot to look at as far as grammar and whatnot is concerned. However, I'm trying to figure out just where this story is going. The ending that you have, the unanswered question about the scabbards, just doesn't seem to have any real punch to it. And the confirmation of the fire seemed almost out of place, and also without any real punch. These are both important to the plot, and yet they aren't given the due that they deserve as a result of that. You might want to go back and see how you can better work them into the narrative.

You've got a good start here. You just need to keep working with it. PM me if you have any questions or comments.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice
Garrus Vakarian is my homeboy.




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Hi there. I think this is a good start, and I definitely like your idea. Your intro is very good and (at least for me) draws the reader's interest. Your structure's great, and the prose is pretty clear. So, all said, you've got a pretty solid draft to work with.

However, there are definitely some things I'd change. At times, it's a little unclear what you mean. For example, "The second thing I noticed was that, on the other side of the sign, Mr. Stale’s scabbards had something sticking out of them!" The "on the other side of the sign" tripped me up - it sounded like the scabbards were hanging from the sign or something. Or "I had stopped walking, but now started to walk over to Mr. Stale." How can you both stop walking and be walking? I'm assuming you mean he stopped in his path and then change direction; I'd recommend saying something closer to that to make it clearer.

Also, I don't know if anyone else had this issue, but I had no idea what scabbards were - it's not exactly something that comes up in everyday conversation, lol. Perhaps try mentioning something to give readers like me a clue - such as having your narrator remark that they don't have swords in them. Just something to consider.

And another thing - maybe don't have Mr. Stale (I love that name - especially with the bread. Pun intended?) call the fire a "holocaust", since, as I can see, there's already been some confusion about that. "Massacre", "disaster", or "tragedy" might be better, especially since "holocaust" implies much more death and destruction, even when not used to imply the Holocaust of WWII.

I also agree with Conrad Rice - I would have expected more of an emotional reaction from the narrator to the fire. Maybe have him recall someone he knew/was close to that lived on the street? Or even just go deeper into the "questions" he had to reveal his distress. I think you also need to emphasize more how out of character/contrasting Mr. Stale's actions are, since that's the whole point of this, unless I have it mistaken. You did a very good job of establishing his character early on; you just need to highlight the "change" or out-of-character nature of his actions more to hammer your point home just a bit more. (Also slightly unrelated, but I'm curious as to the narrator's background - why was he out of town? You don't necessarily need to add anything about that, but it might be nice :) )

I only found two serious grammatical/spelling errors:
The man almost feinted right then and there
"feinted" should be "fainted"
and
He was loosing whatever small amount of control he had left
"loosing" should be "losing"
but otherwise you're fine in that department.

So, yeah. You've got a good start. Just keep working at it. And if you haven't done so already, read it aloud - slowly. Often I find that helps me ensure my piece is flowing and communicating exactly what I want it to.

Keep up the good work, and good luck!

~Pan



That awkward moment when you jump out a window because your friend jumped out a window, then you remember that your other friend can fly.
— Rick Riordan, The Ship of the Dead