Cabin in Mid-Summer

the cool, billowing breeze
hits our stomachs in soft intervals
as we emerge from the lake in which our
cabin sits beside. we're all in our swimsuits
dripping wet, wondering what
activity we should take up next.
as we dry ourselves with towels
laid conveniently on nearby rocks
we laugh and chat about the times we've spent
thus far this summer.

our bare feet sinks into red-hot sand,
the breeze keeps hitting at our backs
as we go inside to snag a bite to eat.
there we talk some more
while chewing blueberry gum.

we have so much more to do
and so little time to do it;
there's board games and s'mores,
kayaking and boat rides.
we could make a campfire outside
or go hiking in the woods

we'll fit time for it all;
i know it. if not we'll make the most
of every moment.

Hello E.B. White! *snugs*
I have just a few comments right off the bat.

thus far in the summer.

You’re making summer sound so general right here. It feels wrong in the context, almost impersonal, but I think if you change ‘in the’ to ‘this’ it might sound more centered, especially on this particular image that you’re creating in the poem.

as we go inside to snag a bite to eat
our bare feet sinking into red-hot sand
the breeze keeps hitting at our backs.

Two things popped into my mind to mention with these lines. First of all, I think without commas after ‘eat’ and ‘sand’ the way you read these lines isn’t as clean as it could be with them. The other thing is that with the first line, I assumed they were already inside, but then they’re still inside. I’m not sure if re-wording or re-ordering something could fix this.

there's kayaking and boat rides out on the lake

I think ‘out on the lake’ is kind of unnecessary and actually throws off the rhythm here. Obviously, you’d need the lake to do these things. You don’t need to explain. You know what I mean.

we could make on a campfire outside
or hiking in the woods that surround the cabin.

This looks like maybe you just made some typos here. But I don’t think you need ‘on’ in the first line. However, you do sort of need ‘go’ in front of ‘hiking’ in the second line.

Okay, this is a lovely poem and it captures that “It’s summer, let’s make the best of it” feeling that summer has, especially when you’re spending time with your friends. I don’t really have any overall negatives about this. It’s just those comments that I mentioned that bothered me.
Otherwise, I though the flow of the poem was good. Though I am kind of wondering why they boys and girls go to different room to talk but okay.
Still, you captured the moment beautifully and for that, I bow to you. *bows*

Hello there
This is my first review of the month! Anyway, your poem is really cute. I had a problem though with the first stanza. To me it was as if there was a little effort made to emphasize the whole "we just got out of water..."

The first lines though were fantastic, great imagery.

the cool, billowing breeze
hits our stomachs in soft intervals
as we emerge from the lake in which our
cabin sits beside.

This is good. But then the rest of the stanza, not so much.

You regained momentum again in the last three stanzas were again there was great imagery and I could relate to that summer at the cabin. Overall, good job.
Ziggie

Hey Eli

I'm here to review as requested. I am not the best critique when it comes to poetry, so you're going to have to bare with me on this one! I'll try my best to give you a decent review though. You've already got some nice reviews, so I'll try not to repeat anything that they've already said unless I think that it's truly necessary.

The cool, billowing breeze
hits our stomachs in soft intervals
as we emerge from the lake in which our
cabin sits beside. we're all in our swimsuits
dripping wet, wondering what
activity we should take up next.
As we dry ourselves with towels
laid conveniently on nearby rocks,
we laugh and chat about the times we've spent
thus far this summer.
As a whole, this opening stanza was pretty good! There were some nice lines in here and, so far, I like the theme of the poem. My only negative comment is that I'm not feeling many emotions in this. You've described what the narrator is doing, but you haven't really told us how they're feeling.

Our bare feet sinks into red-hot sand,
the breeze keeps hitting at our backs
as we go inside to snag a bite to eat.
There we talk some more
while chewing blueberry gum.
I'm still not really seeing any emotion in this, although I do like some of your descriptions.

We have so much more to do
and so little time to do it;
there's board games and s'mores,
kayaking and boat rides.
We could make a campfire outside
or go hiking in the woods.
I'm not sure if you're doing this on purpose, but you haven't capitalized any words. I know nothing about the rules of writing poetry, so I can't really tell you that not capitalizing words is wrong. I can tell you my opinion though which is that I think words look better capitalized after a period in a poem/

We'll fit time for it all;
I know it. If not, we'll make the most
of every moment.
Nice and sweet ending.

Overall

This was pretty good, Eli! I can't write poetry to save my life, that's why I don't try. You, on the other hand, definitely have some potential when it comes to writing poetry. As a whole, I liked the idea itself. I adore summer and after reading this, it's made me want to catch the next plane to Spain and jump in a pool! Unfortunately, I'm stuck at home where it is pouring down with rain... One of the things that I liked best about this were your descriptions. You created some very nice imagery in this and I could see what you were describing actually happening. In my opinion, the imagery in a poem is really important, and if you can create good imagery, your poem is guaranteed to be good. When it comes to your grammar, it was very good too. I'm not sure whether you did it on purpose, but you didn't capitalize anything. I personally like capitalized words in a poem where I think that they're needed, but it's a matter of opinion kind of thing really. When it comes to your spelling, I didn't find a single misspelled word. Well done for that!

My only real critique for this is the fact that I wasn't feeling many emotions while reading this. To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure why exactly I didn't feel as many emotions as I could have. Your descriptions were really nice and vivd, like I've already said. Normally, good descriptions can create some good emotions. I didn't really feel that happening in this piece as much as I would have liked. I think what the problem actually might be is the fact that there was only one emotion in this; happiness. I understand that summer is happy, but I think that you could have included some more emotions in this. Excitement, for example. There was no point in this poem where I felt as though the narrator was excited. Do you understand what I'm trying to say? I'm being a bit unclear... Maybe you could even consider the negative things about being in the cabin in mid-summer? I mean, there is bound to be at least one negative thing about it. Even if it's something as small as noisy bugs keeping you awake at night, or bees trying to sting you. Basically, I'd quite like to see you varying the emotions a bit and making them clearer.

I don't have anything else to say about this... Sorry I'm not much help. Negatives aside, I really did enjoy reading this poem. Like I said before, I liked the theme of it and I love how it made me wish I could be somewhere hot and sunny! Although I did notice a few grammatical errors, your grammar as a whole was very good. You had some very nice descriptions in this that were both vivd and imaginative. All that you need to do now is take into account what us reviewers have suggested and said, If you do that, you will definitely have a really great piece of writing here, Elinor.

Keep writing,

xoxo Rhian