Run From Your Life

I need some feedback on this beginning so I can decide whether or not to continue with this story. Enjoy reading and please review.


Insanity that’s what this was. Pure insanity. I was going crazy for sure; there was no way that what I was doing was rational. Déjà vu came over me, racing home from school, sometimes being crazy is good. Hopefully he was right. Hope. That’s what I needed right now. Any sort of hope in me that I could live through this, all of this insanity. That I could survive long enough to achieve my goal. But things weren’t exactly going over in a hopeful sort of way. In fact if anything, this was making me the opposite of hopeful. Which was…? I had no idea, never paid too much attention during vocabulary. It didn’t matter now though, which is what I’d thought all along. There are some things that you learn in school that are useful, and some that are just plain useless to know. Vocabulary wasn’t going to help me much now. My dad, that’s who was helping me now. All that running he’d made me do every day appeared to finally be paying off. I would have to remember to thank him if I ever saw him again. Which never happen if I could avoid it. The woods were coming up; I could reach safety there in a minute.
More shots rang out behind me accompanied by a chorus of screams. I began propelling myself forward faster, ignoring the ache in my legs and lungs. Over the years of “training” I had learned that making yourself go faster could distract you from the pain of actually speeding up. My backpack bounced awkwardly against my hips and back, jostling everything inside and swinging wildly. I was not used to running while carrying anything; much less a bag jammed full of things there was no way I was leaving behind. While I knew that dropping the bag could make me go faster, I also knew I wouldn’t make it very long without it.
Now the thundering sound of bombs joined in with the spatter of bullets. I must have been running all out for a least a few minutes and yet the sounds of destruction seemed closer than ever. “Crazy is good, crazy is good.” I kept up a mantra to keep myself going. Dark trees loomed ahead, menacing and comforting at the same time. I slowed the tiniest bit as I approached them, preparing for a cool off. Of course I had to keep moving. I wasn’t safe until I was deeper into the woods, they always came a little ways in as protocol but I knew from experience that they only went in about a half mile and shone their flashlights around before calling the area secure.
I had to go slower now, what little light came from the trucks and the moon was greatly diminished through the thick cover of trees. The ground was littered with a vast assortment of leaves, stick, tree roots and several unidentifiable objects. I was already at a slow jog when I stumbled on an obscure root, encouraging me to move even more carefully. I could feel my eyes widening in an unintentional and unsuccessful attempt to see better. Branches and plants continually got in my face while thorn bushes scratched at my legs and got snagged on my backpack.
My forward movement was so greatly impeded that I slipped off my backpack and swung it around so I could carry it in front of me. However stupid I felt this way, it was much more functional, my hands were still free and the bulk of my bag pushed branches and spider webs out of my path. Plus, when I tripped on the uneven ground about two seconds later, it broke my fall and stopped me from slamming my face into the ground. But the whiplash from my chin smacking into the bag prevented me from appreciating this feat. As I picked myself off the ground I heard a faint noise coming from the direction of the fighting. It was a sound I hadn’t heard before, which was extremely odd. By now I recognized the noise of pretty much every weapon used in combat. A wash of paranoia came over me; whatever made that noise could not be good news for me. The volume of the high pitched whine increased, meaning it was getting closer.
Well, if it was getting closer, I was going to get father away. Adjusting my grip on my bag I picked up my pace and set off stumbling between the trees. The noise was getting steadily louder as I began to panic. I needed to go faster to avoid the source of the noise, but if I went too fast it would be counterproductive, I would spend too much time falling over to make much progress. Quickly I weighed my options, I did have a flashlight buried somewhere in my backpack. The battery was nearly dead and the light was no longer very luciferous, but it might give me enough visual aid to allow me to speed out of there. Of course I could just continue in the dark without wasting time to search for the light and there was always the chance that whatever was making the shrieking noise was not really that dangerous at all.
Well, better safe than sorry, I decided and began to root through my things while keeping up my pace. The flashlight was of course at the bottom of the backpack, the hardest place to reach in a hurry and so it took me several long moments to get a hold of it and pull it out. Testing the beam, I was relieved to find it still cast a weak beam of yellow. Putting my backpack back on the right way, I set off. There was no way I could see the ground and in front of me at the same time so I settled on shining the light angled downward and alternating my gaze between forward and down.
Even this small apparatus helped tremendously and soon I was running at almost half speed. For a minute or so I could no longer hear the noise and rejoiced slightly on the inside, thinking I was home free. But as I dodged around a tree, the noise hit me again, much louder this time. How is this even possible? I wondered, there was no way the sound could just stop and then start again somewhere else. There was really no time to try and make sense of this so I just kept moving. I noticed that along with an increasing volume, the noise was increasing in pitch. The louder it got, the higher it got. My ears were actually starting to ache and I could feel a headache coming on.
Suddenly I thought back to a time before, huddled around a campfire. They’ve got this new device they’re working on, some kind of grenade or bomb. You drop it or throw it out somewhere and when it makes contact it starts makin’ this noise. It’s a real high pitched kind of a shriek. As it builds up power it gets louder and higher, and everyone within a certain distance starts bleeding real bad. Bleeding out the nose, mouth, even eyes and ears. The stronger it is or the closer you are the harder you bleed and the plan is that eventually you’ll bleed out. It’s still experimental now, but they’re sure to get it down right soon or else use it anyways.
Right on cue, I felt something sticky running out below my nose. I wiped my hand above my lip and held it out. It was blood of course. No way. I was sure that guy had been lying about all those things. But now here I was, bleeding from the nose as I tried to escape a hemorrhagic death. Immediately I stopped and listened. There was no use just running if I was actually taking myself closer to danger. I strained to locate the direction the noise was coming from. The only problem was, it seemed to be coming from all directions, and I was surrounded by the shrieking of the bomb. I knew I would probably only have a minute to pick a direction and then get myself the hell out of there. Finally I decided that I should just start moving, if I was going to die, I wasn’t going to die standing around.
The noise seemed to be louder to my left so I spun right and took off. I was moving much faster now, running almost full out. I leaped over bushes and wove around trees with agility that I never exhibited before. With adrenaline coursing rapidly through my veins, I seemed to be more focused, although I was moving at a much higher speed now, I was no longer sliding around like an idiot. Somehow fear gave me better balance. There was a metallic, salty taste in my mouth I identified as blood. Spitting, I once again wiped at my nose which was now bleeding more profusely. Surely I didn’t have much time before I blood would seep from my ears and eyes. And once that happened, I knew there was no chance of me surviving.
That realization gave me another energy boost and I picked up my pace again. I noticed my light was fading, without it I would not be able to move half as efficiently. Silently I prayed the light would stay on for just a few more minutes, until I was safe or doomed. I could feel my pulse beating hard in my head, adding to the pain the sound set off. Everything seemed to be slowing down. My chest felt constricted my lungs and throat burned. My right calf was cramping, and my shoulders and hips were sore from the weight of my backpack. My ears hurt now too. Something seemed to be plugging them, dulling all noises. I was sure I could feel blood flooding my eardrum and that any second it would begin to spill out and I would meet my end. The blood from my nose was running over my chin now and mixing with the blood from my open mouth. It was getting harder to breathe by the second.
So this is how it all ends, I thought miserably. Tears, or maybe blood, were pooling at the corners of my eyes, I am going to die. There was an incredibly loud blast nearby, immediately followed by a blinding flash of white light. I was blown off my feat and slammed into a tree before everything went black.

Now that was entertaining.
Almost as good as watching a mooooovie.
Well, some movies. I have to be honest, I do enjoy watching films as oppose to reading.
Best movie I have ever seen? Taxi Driver or Raging Bull, or possibly The Deer Hunter.
All Robert De Niro movies. He is a master at what he does: method acting. Under the direction of Scorsese he is terrific. We also have the same initials which is cool.

It definitely is an interesting start. The plot seems interesting enough, but I warn you not to follow the way of "Clash of the Titans" and focus completely on action, not plot. I would suggest describing the main character early in the chapter so the reader knows what to expect. When I first started to read the story, the references to school made it seem like the main character was a schoolboy / schoolgirl.

Now for mechanics stuff:

Insanity, that’s what this was. Pure insanity. I was going crazy for sure; there was no way that what I was doing was rational. Déjà vu came over me, racing home from school (this makes it look like the main character is running home from school right now), sometimes being crazy is good. Hopefully, he was right. Hope. That’s what I needed right now. Any sort of hope in me that I could live through this, all of this insanity, that I could survive long enough to achieve my goal. But things weren’t exactly going over in a hopeful sort of way. In fact, if anything, this was making me the opposite of hopeful. Which was…
(insert new paragraph)
I had no idea, never paid too much attention during vocabulary. It didn’t matter now though, which is what I’d thought all along. There are some things that you learn in school that are useful, and some that are just plain useless to know. Vocabulary wasn’t going to help me much now. My dad, that’s who was helping me now. All that running he’d made me do every day appeared to finally be paying off. I would have to remember to thank him if I ever saw him again. Which never happen if I could avoid it. The woods were coming up; I could reach safety there in a minute.

More shots rang out behind me accompanied by a chorus of screams. I began propelling myself forward faster, ignoring the ache in my legs and lungs. Over the years of “training” I had learned that making yourself go faster could distract you from the pain of actually speeding up. My backpack bounced awkwardly against my hips and back, jostling everything inside and swinging wildly. I was not used to running while carrying anything; much less a bag jammed full of things there was no way I was leaving behind. While I knew that dropping the bag could make me go faster, I also knew I wouldn’t make it very long without it.
(In the next chapter, explain what's in the bag.)

Now the thundering sound of bombs (Really? This ups the excitement, but it seems over-the-top for a chase of a schoolkid.) joined in with the spatter of bullets. I must have been running all out for a least a few minutes and yet the sounds of destruction seemed closer than ever. “Crazy is good, crazy is good.” I kept up a mantra to keep myself going. Dark trees loomed ahead, menacing and comforting at the same time. I slowed the tiniest bit as I approached them, preparing for a cool off. Of course I had to keep moving. I wasn’t safe until I was deeper into the woods, they always came a little ways in as protocol but I knew from experience that they only went in about a half mile and shone their flashlights around before calling the area secure.

I had to go slower now, what little light came from the trucks and the moon was greatly diminished through the thick cover of trees. The ground was littered with a vast assortment of leaves, stick, tree roots and several unidentifiable objects. I was already at a slow jog when I stumbled on an obscure root, encouraging me to move even more carefully. I could feel my eyes widening in an unintentional and unsuccessful attempt to see better. Branches and plants continually got in my face while thorn bushes scratched at my legs and got snagged on my backpack.

My forward movement was so greatly impeded that I slipped off my backpack and swung it around so I could carry it in front of me. However stupid I felt this way, it was much more functional, my hands were still free and the bulk of my bag pushed branches and spider webs out of my path. Plus, when I tripped on the uneven ground about two seconds later, it broke my fall and stopped me from slamming my face into the ground. But the whiplash from my chin smacking into the bag prevented me from appreciating this feat. As I picked myself off the ground, I heard a faint noise coming from the direction of the fighting. It was a sound I hadn’t heard before, which was extremely odd. By now I recognized the noise of pretty much almost every weapon used in combat. A wash of paranoia came over me; whatever made that noise could not be good news for me. The volume of the high pitched whine increased, meaning it was getting closer.

Well, if it was getting closer, I was going to get father away. Adjusting my grip on my bag I picked up my pace and set off stumbling between the trees. The noise was getting steadily louder as I began to panic. I needed to go faster to avoid the source of the noise, but if I went too fast it would be counterproductive, I would spend too much time falling over to make much progress. Quickly, I weighed my options,. I did have a flashlight buried somewhere in my backpack. The battery was nearly dead, and the light was no longer very luciferous, but it might give me enough visual aid to allow me to speed out of there. Of course, I could just continue in the dark without wasting time to search for the light, and there was always the chance that whatever was making the shrieking noise was not really that dangerous at all.

Well, "better safe than sorry," I decided and began to root through my things while keeping up my pace. The flashlight was, of course, at the bottom of the backpack, the hardest place to reach while in a hurry and so it took me several long moments to get a hold of it and pull it out. Testing the beam, I was relieved to find it still cast a weak beam of yellow. Putting my backpack back on the right way, I set off. There was no way I could see the ground and in front of me (try rewording it, it's awkward) at the same time, so I settled on shining the light angled downward and alternating my gaze between forward and down.

Even this small apparatus helped tremendously and soon I was running at almost half speed. For a minute or so I could no longer hear the noise and rejoiced slightly on the inside, thinking I was home free. But as I dodged around a tree, the noise hit me again, much louder this time. "How is this even possible?" I wondered, "there was no way the sound could just stop and then start again somewhere else." There was really no time to try and make sense of this, so I just kept moving. I noticed that, along with an increasing volume, the noise was increasing in pitch. The louder it got, the higher it got. My ears were actually starting to ache and I could feel a headache coming on.

Suddenly I thought back to a time before, huddled around a campfire. They’ve got this new device they’re working on, some kind of grenade or bomb. You drop it or throw it out somewhere and when it makes contact it starts makin’ this noise. It’s a real high pitched kind of a shriek. As it builds up power it gets louder and higher, and everyone within a certain distance starts bleeding real bad. Bleeding out the nose, mouth, even eyes and ears. The stronger it is or the closer you are the harder you bleed and the plan is that eventually you’ll bleed out. It’s still experimental now, but they’re sure to get it down right soon or else use it anyways.

Right on cue, I felt something sticky running out below my nose. I wiped my hand above my lip and held it out. It was blood of course. No way. I was sure that guy had been lying about all those things. But now here I was, bleeding from the nose as I tried to escape a hemorrhagic death. Immediately I stopped and listened. There was no use just running if I was actually taking myself closer to danger. I strained to locate the direction the noise was coming from. The only problem was, it seemed to be coming from all directions, and I was surrounded by the shrieking of the bomb. I knew I would probably only have a minute to pick a direction and then get myself the hell out of there. Finally, I decided that I should just start moving, if I was going to die, I wasn’t going to die standing around.

The noise seemed to be louder to my left, so I spun right and took off. I was moving much faster now, running almost full out. I leaped over bushes and wove around trees with agility that I never exhibited before. With adrenaline coursing rapidly through my veins, I seemed to be more focused, although I was moving at a much higher speed now, I was no longer sliding around like an idiot. Somehow fear gave me better balance. There was a metallic, salty taste in my mouth I identified as blood. Spitting, I once again wiped at my nose which was now bleeding more profusely. Surely I didn’t have much time before I blood would seep from my ears and eyes. And once that happened, I knew there was no chance of me surviving.

That realization gave me another energy boost and I picked up my pace again. I noticed my light was fading, without it I would not be able to move half as efficiently. Silently I prayed the light would stay on for just a few more minutes, until I was safe or doomed. I could feel my pulse beating hard in my head, adding to the pain the sound set off. Everything seemed to be slowing down. My chest felt constricted my lungs and throat burned. My right calf was cramping, and my shoulders and hips were sore from the weight of my backpack. My ears hurt now too. Something seemed to be plugging them, dulling all noises. I was sure I could feel blood flooding my eardrum and that any second it would begin to spill out and I would meet my end. The blood from my nose was running over my chin now and mixing with the blood from my open mouth. It was getting harder to breathe by the second.

So this is how it all ends, I thought miserably. Tears, or maybe blood, were pooling at the corners of my eyes, I am going to die. There was an incredibly loud blast nearby, immediately followed by a blinding flash of white light. I was blown off my feat feet and slammed into a tree before everything went black.

Hello there.

I'd like to start off with how I think this piece has potential. I like how you portrayed the urgency of the situation by having the narrator focus so much on running away from danger and very little anything else. Everything that comes into his mind is related to what's happening around him. This makes the writing have a sense of unity and direction overall. I also liked how you factored in the sense of panic, making it difficult for the narrator to find his way, keep pace, and tell where the danger was coming from.

However it's not without its mistakes. While your story has unity conceptually it lacks it grammatically. When I think of things you could improve one of the first things that come to mind is sentence structure and paragraph organization. Some of the sentences have two independent thoughts in one statement. This confuses the reader and leaves them wondering why these ideas are in the same sentence, and it makes the writing look unorganized and sloppy. If there's a relationship between the two ideas then you should show that. For everything else I'd like to suggest listing what you want to get across and in what order, then rearranging them as necessary for flow. That way your readers can get from Point A to Point B without being taken out of the story by trying to figure out what relationship each new idea had with the last. It would also help if you looked into when it's appropriate to start a new paragraph.

Another thing I think you can improve is what words you use, how they're phrased, and how often you use them. Sometimes you use the same or very similar words when comparing or contrasting, and this makes the narration seem repetitive. I'll pull an example so you can visualize.

There are some things that you learn in school that are useful, and some that are just plain useless to know.

The part in red is a problem because you're comparing two things and you use two words - useful and useless - that, while antonyms, have the same root word: use. This sounds tacky, like there was no originality in describing the latter idea, and they sound too similar. Another thing is that you don't need so many words to describe the idea, and less words are more for an intense situation like yours. You could try doing something like this:

There are some things that you learn in school that are useful and others that aren't.

A lot of situations like this come up throughout, so you should proofread and look for things like this. Try asking yourself, "How is the situation my character is in going to affect the length of his thoughts? Is there a way I can make that phrase longer/shorter/more formal/informal/etc.?" Think about how people in real life speak at different events and try to find patterns you can use in your writing, and observe your own thoughts in different situations.

You also change tenses a few times, so I suggest reviewing tenses and how they're phrased. Are there certain words that keep coming up if a sentence is structured a particular way? Is there a particular order words are placed in? Your story will really benefit from this.

Overall, I think you're off to a good start. Your writing has focus and you appear to know where you want to go with this. I encourage you to keep working at it.

Feel free to PM me with any questions or comments.