Deep Within

(Here's another poem I wrote at the beginning of the year. I haven't written anything new for a while, but I will, soon. Feel free to leave any comments, ideas, or critical criticism, thanks)

Deep within, something hides.
Discoveries close, slips away.
Pieces gathered, won’t fit.
People attempted, walls formed.

Many questions, unanswered.
Thoughts created, stay inside.
Blocks built, torn down.
Chances taken, confidence ruined.

Directions smooth, turned around.
Speaking out, silence fell.
Creativity sparked, mist covers.
Green Grass, gray skies.

Words written, music speaks.
Pages read, lost within.
Thinking beyond, looks given.
Questions asked, no answer.

Confused inside, distance among.
Work done, left blank.
Stressed out, held back.
Safe place, strange insecurity.

Deep within, something hides.
Discoveries close, slips away.
Pieces gathered, won’t fit.
People attempted, walls formed.

Hi, Harmony girl! June here,


I enjoyed how you kept an even line length throughout the poem. I'm not sure that bringing them to a full stop at the end of each line works well, though, because it gives that choppy feel to the poem that doesn't do as much good as it should be doing, dear. I think you can connect some of these ideas to merge with each other a little, not only for structural benefit, but also for the poetic/meaning side. I feel like we're given fragments of a picture frame (an aspect of this that I both like and dislike), and it's up to us to fill it in.

I think that's fair, because imagination can easily take us places, and it's easy to assume with this that there was some secret that hurt the character(s) behind this. The problem is, you shouldn't leave so much room for us to be unsure about, dear. This holds a lot of room and potential for expansion, but I understand that sometimes expanding kills the structure or the poem. My suggestion would be to try to reform the poem by switching words for others rather than just adding some, but I strongly suggest making this sounds more fluid and expressive rather than a series of fragments.

Keep writing! If you've any questions/comments or anything, feel free to shoot me a PM.

June

First off, I really like the format you've gone with; the incomplete sentence kind of thing. I must say though, that even though I think it's good the way it is, rhyming may improve it. Just to have the first line and last, or second to last in a stanza rhyme. It brings about a form of rhythm and helps the poem flow as a whole. I wouldn't rhyme the entire stanza, just two lines out of it, to give it rhythm.

It also seems that you have too many syllables in certain lines of a stanza. Take this one for instance:

"Many questions, unanswered.
Thoughts created, stay inside.
Blocks built, torn down.
Chances taken, confidence ruined."

It's just the first line that really bothers me, and it may just be me, but I would try something like "Many questions, left unanswered" or some other small word there. Again, it could just be me. There are other instances of this as well; I suggest reading it aloud, you'll find the rhythm and then lose it again when you have too many or too few syllables. They should be an easy fix. Overall I think you've done a great job on this poem. You've chosen a good style that fits the emotion very well, and except for the syllable issue you've got a rhythm. What the lines describe is also good, meaning that it's vague but very easy to relate to as well.

:Jeanette:

Thank you both for your ideas and opinions I will take them both into consideration. This is also something I didn't spent too much time on, but I can always go back and revise. I wanted to know what others thought though, so thanks. you both mentioned the fact of being too vague, I agree, but sometimes, that's my point. I didn't want to explain too much and I wanted people to wonder, but good catch. This is yet another circle poem so I didn't rhyme or anything, but maybe I should to make it flow better and change/fix some stanzas. I think that is one of the hardest things with poems, trying to figure out structure and word format, so that's for your thoughts.

The poem was really really good, I liked it a lot. You kept the line lenght through the entire poem which is really good, but to me it seemed kind of choppy. To me if you didn't break the lines so much it would flow a little better. Other than that your poem is spectacular.

Hey Harmony!

One thing I would suggest is to put something concrete in here! That is, you have a lot of abstract concepts introduced in here from discoveries to pieces (of what?) to questions, etc., etc. But there's nothing for these abstract concepts to actually root themselves in! When you're writing poetry, you generally try to combine the real with the unreal so that the real becomes either unreal or more real and the unreal becomes real or fantastically unreal through reality... if that makes sense. It's really an imaginative process! So I would like to see you root in something real.

...and sorry for all the math puns littered in this critique.

Hope that helps!

I think this is probably my favorite poem that you've written so far (that I've read anyway) because it really makes me think. I do agree that you should experiment with emotional pieces more, but this one is mysterious in a good way. It makes me want to learn more about you (which is humorous because you're my cousin... ). Keep posting!