Insomniac

Light arrives
From the stars far away,
And yet it is enough
To make consciousness sway.
But not for me,
Your world may be fake.
But what I see is real.
I am wide awake.

Stressed and depressed,
Unable to rest
Assist me with what
My mind can't digest.
Although you cannot,
You could at most entertain
While I'm trapped in the real world
Feeling insane.

Now I reach the day
With no relief in between
I shall walk through the world,
Unseen routine.

Lol of course, you know I already love this poem! My only suggestion would be to flip the last two words to make it "routine unseen" instead. Love ya jake!

Hello XJ!

This seems like a rap more than a poem! Not that that's a bad thing... it just is, lol.

Anyway, I would really like to see a subject for the verb "assist" if that makes sense. When I read it, I was wondering who was supposed to assist you, and then you said "you" so I got confused. It seemed like the narrator wasn't actually talking to the reader, so it was a bit confusing!

Meh, I don't get any motion and you should use some imagery. Like some images or something for us to grab onto and relate with. good luck, keep writing. Silented1.

Hey there!

I liked this and that was down to the natural rhythm of the poem. It was well punctuated and the line lengths are controlled; resulting in good fluency and pace. Though, the way it comes across to me as more of a rap isn't due to the structure or punctuation, but the poem's content. There's not really any emotion given to the readers, it's more a lyrical spill out of what you're experiencing; that creates the narrative feel, rather than the dramatic feel. If you wanted to make your poem more poetic, or for your readers to empathise for your emotions, I think you need to throw in some imagery, compare it to something familiar and slow down the pace.

As it is though, it's an entertaining and fun read.

With an unseen routine.

I think that would make your poem end a bit better, it makes it more clearer and allows the transition from the previous line to be a lot more fluent.

Hope this helps,
Ben

Hello!

As a poem, I think this needs a little bit of work. For me, the rhyme scheme halts it a little bit - the words become a little too abstract because you're trying to fit them into a rhyme. In a way, the rhyming make it seem more immature; it lacks a fluency and expertise which drags the whole thing down a little.

I also feel this with the punctuation. You use a lot of full stops, which creates this jarring effect. I think that, in some parts, this would actually be nice, as it would add to the effect of the poem; but, when it's consistent, the whole thing feels a little too jerky.

As others have said, the lack of imagery here makes it less of a poem and more something that would do well as a rap! If you wish to make it a poem, I'd consider using more imagery and poetic devices. If not, then, well, it's a good rap!

-Amy

Snoink is right, this does sort of feel like a rap but it isn’t a bad thing, not at all.

I just had too little nitpicks.

You could at most entertain

At most entertain who or what? I think that it would make this line make more sense.

Unseen routine

I think if you add the words ‘my’ or ‘the’ to the beginning of this line, it would help with the rhythm of this line. It feels too short to me.

But otherwise, this is a very short, simple poem and I like that. Short, sweet and to the point. Good job! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

Good luck and happy writing!

~lilymoore

Sorry that this is totally off topic, but whenever I see the word insomniac I think of that song, "Fireflies" by Owl City. Because the singer of that is an insomniac. But other than that, I loved the opening stanza. It sets up the poem very well, like an introduction. I wanted to continue reading it after I read it.

I will say I would have liked it better if you'd wrapped it up more and tied it back to the beginning to finish off the poem. I think of poem's as a circle. Not a curve like that's almost a circle but doesn't make it and shoots off in some other direction. Poems should follow a constant theme, shouldn't they?

And I know my poetry isn't perfect either, trust me, I just wanted to say that I think focusing on a particular idea makes it easier to write a poem. Your topic was insomnia. The ending for me just sort of drifted off... and left the poem unfinished. I did like the "unseen routine" and agree with wewinwelose that flipping those two words would add a very nice effect.

Hi! SO, I kinda loved this a lot. I used to suffer from insomnia (hehe not anymore)and I totally understand this poem. I found it to be quite emotional, and i honestly felt bad for the narrator. It had a touch of whimsy, though, or so I thought. You sort of made fun of people who can sleep and dream easily. Nice work, I have no nitpicks.

Great work on the poem.
It is very apparent why this belongs in this the 'Other Poetry' section. Though the strangeness of this piece may be the reason why this shines.
Another fine poem fine work!
-Dawn

Hey there,

Nicely done! I enjoyed the short length of the lines, the easy read to this, and the fact that you kept it light until the end. I'm going to concur wewinwelose on the last line about switching those two words, because it just sounds better that way? Or rather, there's less of a stagger that way.

On the note of staggering, I'd like to pitch the advice of not capitalizing every line. For some types of poetry, that every line capitalized rule does work, but for this poem, I've a feeling that it'll be a better, easier flow without it. Also, keep an eye out for the punctuation; use commas when you want a pause, rather than a period which brings us to a full stop and then has to begn anew when you speak again.

I enjoyed this; it was short, but crisp and I think you did excellently. Keep it up, dear,

June

thank you guys! you all really helped. i'm an amateur at poetry so bear with me lol. and the song "fireflies" actually inspired me because at the moment, i suffer from insomnia. in fact the only time i write poetry is between 2-4 in the morning. i thought that comment was funny when i read it, owl city is one of my favorite groups for relating to my problem. thanks again! (:

I have to say I was definitely surprised when I read this,
"Your world may be fake. But What I see is real. I am wide awake."
is my favorite part, you described your title completely with just these
three lines without stating it in a completely obvious way.

If I was to nitpick about anything it would be the first three lines, your
use of the words "And yet it is" in the third line threw me off a bit,
perhaps you could say "Being just enough, to make consciousness sway"- just a thought

I think BenFranks was also right in saying that you should change the ending to "Routine Unseen"
I understood what you were trying to say but your words just felt out of place to me.
Overall I really enjoyed this poem, keep up the good work