'The Gifts' Series - Book 1: Knowledge

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:Jeanette: Chapter 1

Have you ever had that feeling, when you’re not sure if you’re dreaming or not? When you have a sense of déjà vu? Or when you just know something’s gonna happen, just not how or when? Like when you have a dream that felt so real that you could still hear the battle cries or feel the sting of a scrape when you awoke? I was currently in the middle of that dream, except I was awake.



I looked all around me, searching, for something unknown. Had I been here before? Certainly not, but my eye’s wandered still…searching.

I was at a Library. A very old library, the shelves were built high, touching the ceiling. There were many half floors, each with only a wooden latter to reach each one. It looked a good four stories high. The few windows were dusty and tall, but with dark maroon curtains hiding the suns warm rays. There was one sky light and it even had a latter to it! I imagined reading up on the roof, with the wind beating against the face and pulling at my hair….ah, that would feel nice.

I tried to recall why I had come here, certainly not to read, I had plenty of books at home (all of which I’ve read a hundred times over) and most of these books looked like non-fiction which I tend to avoid, my head hurts enough with trying to pass Calculus with a B, I do not need to cram anymore information in there.

I remembered my dad saying that I needed some fresh air after unloading all those dusty boxes from the attic that we had missed while unpacking a couple days ago. And then, I was here. Odd…I didn’t even know we had a library in Knoxville…

Deciding that while I’m here I might as well do something, I walked up to the desk where a white-haired old man was drinking a cup of coffee while reading the newspaper.

“Umm, excuse me?” I said uncertainly, for all I knew, the library was closed—that would explain the lack of people.

The man looked up, startled, his half moon glasses slid down his long nose. He blinked and stared, open-mouthed, at me. I unconsciously straightened, what was this guy’s deal? The old man blinked again and coughed.

“O-oh, umm, well, may I help you?” He asked, it seemed to me like he hadn’t said much in a while with the way his voice was all raspy and he kept licking his lips.

“Um, well I was just wondering if the library was closed, it seems to be empty…” I drifted off, not knowing how to put the rest.

“Oh, the library’s never closed,” He said, lowering his glasses to look at me, “And we don’t get many people, so you’re a rarity.” He said, that made me feel a bit uncomfortable. What kind of library is never closed? Don’t the employee’s need to, well, sleep!?

I blinked and looked up at the man—he had no name tag so I have no idea what his name is. “So, I can look around?” I asked uncertainly, feeling like an idiot times two.

“Oh, by all means…” He gestured at all the book shelves, then smiled. “Will you be needing a card?” he asked, was it just me or was there an edge of excitement in his voice, or maybe it was slyness? I nodded but said that I would fill out the form after I had looked at the book selection. There’s no sense in getting a card for a library I’ll never set foot in again.

* * * * *



I skimmed the books, placing a finger barely above their spines while reading the tittles. None seemed to interest me, sure the ‘Witch Crafts and Sorcery’ sounded good but then again, I couldn’t get my hands to pick it up. It’s like they’d turned numb almost. I just shook them a bit and walked on.

I climbed onto the second floor and skimmed along the book shelves, finding nothing; I went to the next floor and was half way through scanning the shelves when something caught my eye. It was a dark green, leather bound book. It looked old beyond belief; I could see the dust layers on the cover and had to brush it off to read the title. ‘The Gifts’, it said, I raised an eyebrow, it didn’t have an authors name printed on the front, or back, or anywhere else that I could see. Curious, I flipped open to a random page and saw a vivid picture, I had to basically stick my face onto the page to see anything and make sense of it.

There were floating stones—seven to be exact,--encased in a light blue...umm…bubble? Yeah, that seemed to fit. I couldn’t see the stones clearly because of the bubble, and the horrible photography or painting, or whatever this is; but I could see that they each had a different symbol carved onto them, and maybe a different color? I couldn’t tell.

I read the caption underneath the picture. ‘The Gifts of Seven in the room of Thaset, the night before they disappeared.’ What the…?

“I’m not gonna write you a love song, ‘cause you asked for it…” Cell phone, right.

“Hello?” I answered

“Zalema Dorothy Phillips, do you know what time it is?!” Mom, great. I glanced down at my watch, 6:34 p.m. Crud, I was late for dinner. Mom has dinner at six fifteen, everyday. We have no idea why, she just insist that we have at least one family time of the day. No excuses, no matter what happens. Ugh, whatever.

I flew down the latter, still holding the book and ran up to the librarian. I threw him the book while scrambling to get the library card papers that he was magically holding, bless him. I filled it out as fast as possible as he checked out the book with my new library card, it’s like he knew I was in a hurry, well who wouldn’t when you look like an extremely hyper monkey gone crazy, ‘cause I’m pretty sure that’s what I looked like.

I grabbed the library card and book and flew out the door.

* * * * *



The old librarian looked over the filled out paper after the girl was gone. 'It's time...'



Name: Zalema Phillips

Age: 17

Gender: Female

Birthday: 9/07/91

Home phone: (865) 331-2496

Mobile phone: (1-865) 421-7791

Email: art1stw1t3g0@gmail.com

Guardian: Celina Phillips (mom)

Mothers name: Celina Phillips

Fathers name: Ryan Carlos

Mother’s current occupation: English teacher at E.C.T. College

Father’s current occupation: Unknown

Occupation: Employee at Starlow’s Bakery

Address: 1619 Westdrive rd

City: Knoxville

State: Tennessee

Zip code: 24971

Do you wish to receive regular mail from the library: Yes

* * * * *



I made it just in time; mom was just setting down our pasta when I flew in…literally. “I’m….here….” I said between breathes, it had taken me forever to get here, 1# because I have no idea how I got to the library so I had no idea how to get back, and 2# because the guy I asked for directions was not cooperating. I’m glad I made it here before midnight! Even on a bike it still took forever.

“Zalema, you know the rules, six fifteen, every night.” Mom said, sitting down at the table, I followed her and sat down across from her.

“I know mom, I was at a library, getting a library card,” I said as I pulled out my library card.

“But, sweetie, there is no library in Knox county,” She said as she took the card. No library….? Great, I’m crazy.

“Yes there is mom; it’s just really old,” I explained, “Maybe I was in Maryville or something.” I added thinking to how long it took to get here.

“No, I’m pretty sure there wasn’t any library on the map on Google,” She said handing me back my card, and then I remembered the book I got.

“Here, look at this,” I said handing her the book.

“Sweetie, you have this book,” She said showing me the cover, I gaped like a fish out of water, it read ‘The Faerie Path’ She’s right, I do have that book, but, I could’ve sworn that it said….am I going crazy…?

“You know what mom, I think I’m just going to go to bed,” I said, standing up and walking out of the kitchen. In the morning I’m going to march straight up to the nonexistent library and demand why I have the wrong book and why they were not on the map. Actually, I probably wouldn’t do any of that but still…


[K, I know that it's rough, and I know that some of the information is wrong, I'm pretty sure there's a library SOMEWHERE in Knox county....]
If you held the world in your hands,
What would you change first?
Would you change the format, change the plans?
Or leave it be in the universe?
:Jeanette:




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Hey Jeanette :)

There were many half floors, each with only a wooden latter to reach each one. - I think it should be 'ladder' here and not latter. Also the end of the sentence is a bit weird. I think it may be because you refer to floors as multiple and then say 'one' so it's a bit confusing so maybe think about clearing up this sentence.

There was one sky light and it even had a latter to it! - I think it should be ladder again.

I imagined reading up on the roof, with the wind beating against the face and pulling at my hair - I think this would make more sense if you had it 'with the wind beating against my face and pulling at my hair'.

….ah, that would feel nice. - I don't think you need this tagged on the end of the sentence. It feels a little weird and forced. You could create better effect or effect of her enjoying it by just placing a word or two at the beginning of the sentence describing how she would enjoy this experience.

I remembered my dad saying that I needed some fresh air after unloading all those dusty boxes from the attic that we had missed while unpacking a couple days ago. - This is a pretty long sentence, I think you need to break it up with a comma or put it into two sentences somehow. Grammar isn't really my forte so I can't tell you how it should be.

he had no name tag so I have no idea what his name is. - There is a mix up with the tense here. So far you have been writing in past tense and here you switch to present tense. It should probably be 'I had no idea what his name was'

“Will you be needing a card?” he asked - You use asked and said a lot after the lines of dialogue. I'm not saying you shouldn't use these words, by all means do! But you don't need to put it after every piece of dialogue that is a question. You can just leave it without this kind of tag. There is a question mark so we know that he is asking something. It's just the repetition in close quarters that make it distracting and throws me out of the story.

above their spines while reading the tittles. - It should be 'titles'

I flipped open to a random page and saw a vivid picture - I think this sentence would be better if you put 'I flipped it open to a random page'

There were floating stones—seven to be exact,--encased in a light blue...umm…bubble? - I find the bubble comment tacked on at the end a bit unnatural again. I think you need to be careful with these kind of comments from the character. You do it sometimes in the story and it really works but at other times they just seem wrong and kind of jarring. Maybe you could try something like 'encased in a light blue sort of...bubble' or something like this to make it seem more like a thought process. I know when I think I don't tend to think ummmm.

and the horrible photography or painting, or whatever this is; - I think it would better if you had this as 'or whatever it was' I think this is to do with tenses again.

What the…? - This is another thing where I feel like it's somewhat unnatural. You could merely improve on this and make it sound more like her thoughts by just having 'Disappeared?' or something to that effect.

We have no idea why, she just insist that we have at least one family time of the day. - firstly it should be 'insists'. Secondly this sentence is a bit weird because it appears like she is talking to someone, like the reader. Which I always find a little odd and throws me out of the story because I want to be encapsulated by the story and not suddenly be aware that I am reading a story and being addressed by a character.

“I’m….here….” I said between breathes - It should be 'breaths'

1# because I have no idea how I got to the library so I had no idea how to get back - the number one part should be the other way round. The hash acts as a replacement for the word number. So at the moment it readers one number.

Even on a bike it still took forever. - She had a bike with her? But if she doesn't know how she got there then why would she randomly have a bike? Just confused me a little.

I added thinking to how long it took to get here. - I think it should be 'I added thinking of how long it took to get here' or 'I added thinking of how long it took me to get here'

I could’ve sworn that it said….am I going crazy…? - I think this would be better as 'I could've sworn that it said...was I going crazy...?

Character - I quite like your character so far. She seems fairly fleshed out and as this is only the very beginning I don't know that much about her but rather than that being a bad thing, as it can be, I just feel like I am getting to know her, which is good. Just be careful that she doesn't become too bratty and sure of herself but like I said, at this early stage of the novel I have to reserve judgement on her. But the good thing is that she isn't completely stereotypical and see through from the get go. Just be careful with those little comments in her thoughts, they are kind of like asides in theatre and there is nothing wrong with doing them. Like I said before sometimes you do it and it works, other times it just feels incredibly unnatural.

Pacing - Your pacing also seems pretty good. You have somewhat held back on leaping into the action too quickly, which so often happens when I read stories on here. You are giving the reader time to get to know the character and get into the story, so keep that up.

Dialogue - Your dialogue was fairly good. It felt mostly natural. Except some of the Umms they got a little over-used at the beginning so be careful with that. Also take into consideration what I said about the tags at the end of the dialogue. You don't always have to have tags at the end of pieces of dialogue. Sometimes always adding said or asked at the end of dialogue can ruin the flow of the dialogue and so it becomes somewhat distracting and unnatural.

Description - The description was pretty good. I think you have some weird uses of grammar but like I said I am not a grammar expert so you would have to ask someone else for help with that. Sorry! The description flows well and I like how you describe the spaces that she is in to give the reader a picture of the scene. Just be careful with the thoughts of the character and that they do not become too jarring.

Overall - This was a pretty good beginning to the novel. I can't comment on too much because I don't know what is in your head as a writer with this story but so far so good! It's intriguing and interesting and I look forward to reading more of it!

Hope that helped! PM me if you have any questions :)

Bex x
'The creation of a single world comes from a huge number of fragments and chaos.' - Hayao Miyazaki




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So... She ended up in the library without knowing how she got in the library? And she doesn't feel freaked out about this?

I liked the character, I was just confused by her lack of reaction. Does she think she's dreaming? Is she just sort of overwhelmed? She seems really calm about not remembering how she ended up somewhere.

I could’ve sworn that it said….am I going crazy…?

For instance, this is what concerns her/ tips her off? I would think she'd be a little more upset about stuff before that.

“I’m not gonna write you a love song, ‘cause you asked for it…” Cell phone, right.

This made me gigglesnort.

night.” Mom said

When putting a dialogue tag (he said, she said, etc.) at the end of dialogue, you end the dialogue (unless it's a question or exclamation point) with a comma. Also, pronouns are lowercase when used right after the dialogue. (ex. "You're a genius," he muttered.)

It's early in the story, so I can't say much else about story or characters (though I did like the librarian dude). Looking forward to reading more!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.




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Wow, long comments. Anyways, thanks guys for commenting! I know the story's a bit rough (I actually wrote a couple years ago, and didn't go over it to fix grammatical issues or anything before I uploaded. That would be my fault, sorry), but the positive comments really made me smile, and the more negative ones really helped, so thanks a bunch!
Both of you guys mentioned the Library and how she doesn't know how she got there. I kind of pictured her as just riding around town aimlessly and coming upon a Library. In finding her way home it was just as random. My apologies for not mentioning that beforehand, I really should have gone over the story before uploading.

Thanks again, and I'll work on the character's internal comments :D

:Jeanette:
If you held the world in your hands,
What would you change first?
Would you change the format, change the plans?
Or leave it be in the universe?
:Jeanette:




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Gender Female
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it's by the post office off of cedar bluff.
just an fyi :)
haha
There is no secret left unspoken.



Doors are for people with no imagination.
— Skulduggery Pleasant