deleted

...

Hey Jackle, Coco here!

So I'm really glad I came across this because it's really REALLY good ! I loved your character narration, the way it oozed with personality was just effortless and I kinda envy you on that level because I find doing it really hard. Anyway, I'll definitely be following this to the end, it's gritty and very well written, so pm me when there's more!

*coco

Hello! I haven't read anything before this, but I will comment on what I can.

I only read to the scene break because this is pretty long. But, I did enjoy what I read!

I think you've got a bit of a double-edged sword going on here with your character's voice. I love the way she keeps thinking about things she normally would, yet she is completely strained by grief. At the same time, sometimes the amount of asides she said detracted from the story and made me forget what was going on. It was mostly in the beginning; the rest was pretty good.

Once I got into this, I really liked it. You've captured this character's personality very well, and the way she kept going back to her friend more and more just fit. It would be nice to see a bit more hints of her breakdown, after all that is one very dramatic breakdown. It's understandable but it'd be nice if it was hinted at is what I'm saying.

PM me if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey