I want the Chaos

I don’t want life to be easy
I want the chaos
and the rain
I want the insanity
even if it brings pain

I don’t want to feel numb
I want to feel the passion
the heat
the crazy out of your mind feeling
you get when your in love

I don’t want to play on the safe side
just so I wont get hurt
I want to be wild
mischievous
out of control and free

I don’t want the sun to always shine
I want to feel the winds
that come with the storm
because you can’t have a rainbow
without a little rain

I don’t want perfection
I want to make mistakes
and be proven wrong
I want to be who I am
not who you want me to be

SilentRain wrote:I don’t want life to be easy
I want the chaos
and the rainThat doesn't really go with life and insanity and chaos? Unless it's like a thunder storm of hurricane.
I want the insanity
even if it brings pain

I don’t want to feel numb
I want to feel the passion
the heat
the crazy out of your mind feelingThis is kinda like blank description, we don't know what that really feels like, you know? If you said like, I am kicking off walls, running through the streets, oh when I am in love. (something like that) That can let us see and know what you're saying. That would be a big help
you get when your in love

I don’t want to play on the safe side
just so I wont get hurt Wait what? This line kinda contradicts the line above it. What do you mean?
I want to be wild
mischievous
out of control and free

I don’t want the sun to always shine
I want to feel the winds
that come with the storm
because you can’t have a rainbow Okay, this stanza I like.
without a little rain

I don’t want perfection
I want to make mistakes
and be proven wrong Alright, coolish ending. Let's us know what it's all about.
I want to be who I am
not who you want me to be

You should use some more imagery and images to give us a better understanding of what is happening and HOW it's happening. Because you mainly TOLD us what was happening, not showing what is happening.

You also listed most of this, that makes it kinda boring and things.

Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1.

Hello there!

I don’t want life to be easy
I want the chaos
and the rain
I want the insanity
even if it brings pain

Something was pointed out in this stanza, and it was something that you should really work on. The idea of 'rain' as a symbol or a part of chaos doesn't tie in nicely with what you're trying to say. It's like a blank description that doesn't really hold much meaning and should seriously be improved. Why is the rain chaotic? What will it do to your life? Expand on this and make it a powerful image instead of a rather dull line that doesn't help your poem.

We then move onto the idea of 'insanity'. Again, there is no real life here. You're just mentioning this insanity, then passing by it, as though that's all you really need to say about it. Trust me, it's not. You want the reader to get a feel of insanity and chaos from these lines when you're talking about it, and they really, really don't. Use imagery, use poetic devices. Make it strong and make it capture the reader.

I don’t want to feel numb
I want to feel the passion
the heat
the crazy out of your mind feeling
you get when your in love

Firstly, it's 'you're', not 'your'.
The part I like about this stanza is 'the crazy out of your mind feeling'. It's a nice idea and, if expanded, could work well for this whole stanza. But, again, it needs to be fleshed out with imagery and beautiful descriptions that make the reader really understand what you're talking about and exactly what it feels like. Draw them into this world of emotions with you - at the moment you're just telling them about it in the most basic way possible which isn't really that fun for them.

I don’t want to play on the safe side
just so I wont get hurt
I want to be wild
mischievous
out of control and free

Then make it seem like that in the poem! Show , dear, don't tell.

I don’t want the sun to always shine
I want to feel the winds
that come with the storm
because you can’t have a rainbow
without a little rain

I like the way you link back to the weather here. However, if you're going to have a whole stanza about it, I feel like perhaps the idea of rain should have been better developed at the start, so that it ties in nicely with this stanza here. Again, the idea of 'little rain' seems a little too tame for a poem titles 'I want the Chaos'.

I don’t want perfection
I want to make mistakes
and be proven wrong
I want to be who I am
not who you want me to be

Ahh, okay, so at the end it all comes down to the fact you don't want to conform. I'm not sure if I like this ending, really. Sure, we now know why you want chaos, but it seems like such an ... un-chaotic ending to me. Chaos, in my opinion, is this huge stage of disorder - this ending isn't disordered. It's reasoned and thought out.

Overall:

I like the topic, and some of the ideas you put into it, but I don't feel like it was executed well enough. I would like it if, through your writing, you managed to project this ultimate feeling of chaos throughout it. Perhaps if you used jumbled imagery, broken descriptions, all thrown together (in a thought out way that makes it look chaotic ) you could really get across what you're trying to. However, at the moment it doesn't really work. You're telling us what you want from the chaos, and this becomes a little like a dull list of things that don't capture the reader at all. It's all too ordered, too list-like, that the feeling of chaos doesn't come across at all, and we're left floundering, wondering what you're really talking about by the end. You need poetic devices, you need imagery. You need to pull the reader into a vast, swirling, mass of confusion that tells them what this chaos is and why you want it. They need to go on this rollercoaster with you, and for that to happen, you have to describe what it feels like.

Hopefully this helps, and you'll be able to edit this up to its potential. PM me with any questions!

-Amy

I agree with the others, you need more imagery in this. I think you're focusing too much on the form of the poem than what you're really saying in the poem. You seem to be coloring in the lines and I think that you should break out of the lines and just scribble.

Also, I think you want some punctuation. Maybe if this were a chaotic poem the lack of punctuation would work, but it only adds confusion in this neat, lined up poem. Plus, punctuation is always a good idea.

As to the actual poem, I like the meaning behind it. A combination of letting go and standing out. There's almost a sort of irony in the way it's formatted now; you want chaos, but you're still trapped within boundaries. That is another angle that you could try, but it still comes back to imagery and punctuation.

It really does have all of the elements of a good poem, but don't be afraid to scribble outside of the lines.

- Tatra

Life of danger and chaos? I might have went another way,
Though I have to agree that chaos and pain may not be the best way to live but it is better then a life of solitude and without feelings.
If it takes pain to keep one knowing they are human then so be it.
Anyways great work once again!
-Dawn

Hey there!

Firstly, unlike the other reviewers have said, I like the idea of rain as an imagery. I think it's excellent. Although there's a lot of rain themed poems going around at the moment, I think in yours it works best. I especially love this line of you poem in which you make reference to a lovely image that people can relate experiences and emotions to:

because you can’t have a rainbow
without a little rain

What I like about this poem is the repetition. The:

I don't want...

It explicitly enforces a rebellion against normality and I think that's a true drawing point to your poem. However, to make your poetry come across as more dramatic or more enticing in the other lines of the stanza I'd include a little more imagery. For example, more of the rainbow line! Something a reader can relate to and feel the contrasts of language that you're giving them and thus in return your poem's effect will be larger.

As for punctuation, I don't think it's a problem here! The word choice is good, so your poem has a pleasant, natural rhythm which makes it easy to read and fluent.

you're in love

[/quote]
Little mistakes! Watch out for them.

So, so! I'm going to be a bit of rebellion from the Norm myself and say that I think you've executed this poem very well! Sure, it hasn't quite got any exaggerated themes of chaos, they may only be subtle compared with weather, but the effect is still there! I've come away taking the message, and that's you saying that you don't want everything to be positive, you want some of the negative stuff; or else there wouldn't be any rainbows or silver linings! Haha. I really loved this poem and I think a touch more imagery here and there will secure it among one of my favourites.

Keep writing and hope this helped.
Ben

Hello, SilentRain! I’m Lily, pleased to meet you!

So, I like the idea of this poem. It’s very broad and usually I enjoy more focused poems more but the simple, easy readability of this was enjoyable.
There were two things I really had an issue with.

I don’t want life to be easy
I want the chaos
and the rain
I want the insanity
even if it brings pain

In the first stanza, you rhyme these two words. From that, I was immediately given the impression that the whole poem would rhyme this way but it didn’t. Changing ‘rain’ to ‘storm’ would just be my suggestion.

The only other thing I had an issue with in this poem is that there is now punctuation. Some poems need punctuation and some don’t but I think that this poem could be nice with a few periods and commas to help pace it and clean up the rhythm a bit.

Hope I could help, Silent!

~lilymoore

Alright, what are we getting, milk and tomatoes?

Seriously, this is a grocery list of wants/feelings. I want this, I want to feel that. Blahblahblah. It gets dull really quickly. You only have a touch of imagery, which works well for your poem, but it's not all that original. Linking pain with rain is probably one of the most common things to do. You know in all those movies, when someone dies it's always rainy? Have you seen the Princess and the Frog? If you have, take a look at what I mean (here) if you haven't seen it spoiler alert :O

So, your imagery needs to be original, thoughtful. Making connections between two things that everyone else has made a connection from isn't going to be very original. Or as enjoyable and engaging as something creative, were you compare pain to... I don't know, a dog, a cloud anything.

Also, the occasional comma, would do your poem some good. Place it at where it's most natural to take a breath in your lines. But don't abuse the punctuation either. Just a couple to help things flow smoothly.

Kamas